Pointless Digressions

On Not being Called for Duets II

2012-03-13T19:43:00.002-07:00

What happened? There I was, sitting by the phone, ready for the call from Phil Ramone or Danny Bennett, or Tony himself, asking me to join Tone on one of the tracks for his "Duets II" album. I dunno, maybe the line was busy, so they called Buble or Josh Groban instead. Whaddya gonna do?

I was ready. I was ready to dance with Tony, the way Sheryl Crow did. I coulda gotten that grizzled Willy Nelson look. I was prepared to dye my hair lime green, like Lady Gaga.

But the call never came.

Well, as they say in sports, there's always next year. I'm ready for "Duets III." "Take my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise..." Hear that, Tone?

Republican Primaries--Ghee and Glee

2012-03-12T21:52:00.005-07:00

When the first group of GOP presidential wannabes--Perry, Bachmann, Cain, and the rest of the party's third- and fourth-string--turned up for the Republican primaries, we thought of the Seven Dwarfs--Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, et al.

As they dropped off, one by one, done in by polls, losing numbers, debate gaffes, and cash runouts, we were reminded of the Agatha Christie novel "And Then There Were None."

Now, as Romney, Santorum and Gingrich go into their last round (with Ron Paul somewhere in the distance) we think of the tigers in the tale of Little Black Sambo, who chased each other 'round and 'round the tree until they all dissolved into a pool of ghee.

But elsewhere--in an oval office perhaps--there is a pool of glee.

Bovine Thoughts on Daylight Saving Time

2012-03-11T17:40:00.003-07:00

A herd of cattle in Saskatchewan was heard discussing the arrival of Daylight Saving Time. Elmer, a studious bull, said "Did you know, friends, that this peculiar idea was first advanced in 1784 by Benjamin Franklin?"

Jenny the Jersey snorted. "What, so he could have more time flying his kite?"

"He was the first to propose the idea," Elmer continued, "but not the last. Someone named George Vernon Hudson, now lost to history, brought it up again in 1895. However, Daylight Saving Time was not put into practice until the years of World War One."

"Not a good time to be a cow," said Harry the Hereford. "Ye've got that rrright," added Aberdeen Angus.

"It was," said Gus Guernsey, popular talk show host of the pasture, "George W. Bush who moved Daylight Saving Time a month earlier."

"Another of W's great ideas," muttered Ayrshire Alice.

"Well," said Elmer, "we can be glad that Saskatchewan has shown the good sense not to be caught up in this foolishness."

"Yes," Jenny concurred. "I do not want any changes in schedule, Milking time is sacred."

Moos all 'round.

All Together, Now--Panic!

2012-03-09T14:52:00.005-08:00

We are in a kind of panic because we have just learned that March 9 is International Panic Day. Here it is half over, and we haven't panicked once.

Well, there's still time. We have trotted out some of our favorite phobias, in hope of creating serious panic. Here is aeronausiphobia--fear of airsickness. We fear being stuck in the centre seat between two people who are rapidly turning green and crying "Where's that bag?"

Then there is neophobia--fear of anything new. And ablutophobia--fear of bathing. And cyberphobia, which is, of course, a morbid fear of computers.

Some phobias come in pairs--among them peladophobia, which is a fear of bald persons (comes from watching "Kojak" at an impressionable age) and phalacrophobia, the fear of going bald oneself.

International Panic Day is co-sponsored by the Sky is Falling Committee. Chicken-licken says "Have a scary day."

Ladies' Day

2012-03-08T19:12:00.003-08:00

Reading list for International Women's Day--or any day: "Drunk with Love," Ellen Gilchrist; "Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant," Anne Tyler; "Wuthering Heights," Emily Bronte; "The Portable Dorothy Parker"; "The Little Foxes," Lillian Hellman; "Return Trips," Alice Adams; "Bushworld," Maureen Dowd; "Plain Text," Nancy Mairs; "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior," Judith Martin; "And Then There Were None," Agatha Christie; "Send Bygraves," Martha Grimes; "Bartleby in Manhattan," Elizabeth Hardwick; "Poets in Their Youth," Eileen Simpson; "The Shadow Knows," Diane Johnson; "Up We Grow," Deborah Hodge; "High Times and Hard Times," Anita O'Day; "Happy All the Time," Laurie Colwin.

Apologies for many notable absentees (Jane Austen, George Eliot, Virginia Woolf, Alice Munro, Hannah Arendt, Joan Didion, et al.) but this is our own quirky list.

We could do a list of great female characters--Lady Brett Ashley, Daisy Buchanan, Carmen, Marjorie Morningstar, Miss Marple, Fanny Yokum. Maybe another time, another International Women's Day--which, in our far from humble opinion, should be every day.

Blackboard Jungle

2012-03-05T11:40:00.002-08:00

While still awaiting the call to mediate the dispute between the BC Teachers Federation and the provincial government, we thought we would share this story of teachers' salaries, or, at least, one teacher's salary:

Some years ago, Ross School in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan had on its staff a bright young vice-principal named Dan Cameron. His future in education seemed assured. But when the school janitor retired, and that job came open, Dan applied for it. It paid more than his position as vice-principal.

Dan did not get the job.

Not much later, however, Dan became a CBC producer, and, he was pleased to learn, this paid even more than the janitor's job.

Glad for Vlad

2012-03-04T18:29:00.003-08:00

Prime Minister Stephen Harper congratulated Russian leader Vladimir Putin on once again taking control of his country. "I'm glad for Vlad," said Harper. "His party really knows how to rig--er, run--an election."

Harper further commented, "I see nothing wrong with someone being president or prime minister for sixteen years, or even longer. Sounds good to me."

Asked about the robocall scandal now developing, with Canadians in fifty-seven ridings complaining of bogus telephone calls possibly leading to election irregularities, the Prime Minister pointed to a sign on his desk: The Buck Stops Somewhere Else.

Meanwhile, Willard Snively, spokesman for the government's official Response and Denial Department, said, "Look, they were robocalls, right? Made by machines. We believe some rogue robots took over the system, like that paranoid computer in Kubrick's Space Odyssey movie. No humans were involved."

Read a Book, Share a Story

2012-02-28T09:48:00.002-08:00

March 1 is World Book Day. In Burnaby, public libraries encourage people to "come in and read a book, share a story."

We are grateful to Garrison Keillor's Prairie Home Productions and American Public Media for a most appropriate quotation. It is from Dublin-born writer Colum McCann, whose "Let the Great World Spin" won the National Book Award for fiction in 2009. McCann said:

"I believe in the democracy of storytelling. I love the fact that our stories can cross all sorts of borders and boundaries. I grew up in a house, in a city, in a country shaped by books. I don't know of a greater privilege than being allowed to tell a story or to listen to a story."

...about those phone calls

2012-02-27T10:24:00.002-08:00

Prime Minister Harper, informed that bogus telephone calls were made to voters in as many as thirty-four ridings prior to the last federal election, said "I am shocked! Shocked that anyone supporting the Conservative Party would be involved in deceit or trickery!"

Meanwhile, RCMP have been asked to investigate who placed an order for 128 Hawaiian pizzas to be delivered at 3:00 a.m. to 24 Sussex Drive.

Gimme that Oscar!

2012-02-25T16:16:00.004-08:00

It's the night before the Academy Awards, and I haven't decided what to wear. Maybe i'll just hang out with Woody Allen instead.

The big question, of course, apart from who's wearing what, is who would win. This starts us thinking of performers who should have won but didn't, and there is a long and noble list.

Start with Peter O'Toole, who should have gone home with gold for "Lawrence of Arabia." And Paul Newman, who deserved an Oscar for "The Verdict" in 1982. (He got one the next year for a much smaller film, "The Color of Money." It was one of those "sorry about last year, guy" awards.)

Which, it is said, was the reason James Stewart was voted best actor for "The Philadelphia Story," despite playing what was really a supporting role in that 1940 classic. The real star, Cary Grant, wasn't even nominated. Among the performances Stewart beat was Henry Fonda's in "The Grapes of Wrath." Stewart was the choice, it was said, because he hadn't won the previous year for "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." Hey, we all know Stewart was a terrific actor, but "Philadelphia Story" was not "Vertigo."

Then there was Richard Jaeckel, who played supporting roles in a gazillion movies over fifty years, and was nominated in 1971 for his wonderful performance as Oregon logger Joe Ben Stamper in "Sometimes a Great Notion." Should have won. Didn't.

Finally, perhaps leading the list of should-have-wons, is Peter Sellers for his three-character tour de force in "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb." Sellers played an RAF officer, the US President, and the crazed Nazi scientist Dr. Strangelove, all with impeccable accents. It was a dazzling performance in Kubrick's 1964 black comedy, and while there were other worthy nominees that year--as almost always there are--Sellers's work hit a standard nobody knew was there.

So wherever Peter Sellers is tomorrow night, we presume he will be sipping Pimm's Cup and sympathizing with the also-rans.

Cracked, but not yet Breaking, News

2012-02-21T19:43:00.002-08:00

Okay, has anyone else noticed that Rooney Mara, star of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," looks like a reincarnation of silent film star Louise Brooks ("Lulu," "Pandora's Box"). Huh?

BC Finance Minister Kevin Falcon delivered the provincial budget today. In the spirit of restraint, he skipped the tradition of buying a new pair of shoes. Several observers thought, however, he might have sprung for a new haircut.

Chinese and Russian governments, standing firmly behind the vicious if nerdy looking Syrian leader, said, "So he's killing his own people. What's the big deal?"

Finally, Rooney Mara's performance in "The Social Network" was so pleasurable, we are pulling for her to win the big one on Sunday, even though she is facing the formidable Meryl Streep and Viola Davis. Academy voters, please note.

Re: Lent

2012-02-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

Carnaval is underway in Rio de Janeiro. Unable to make it this year, we have elected to stay home, don our costumes, drink pina coladas, rent "Black Orpheus", and play "The Girl from Ipanema" at high volume.

The Brazilian celebration is, of course, the prelude to Lent, forty days of fasting, preferably in sackcloth and ashes. The word "Lent" derives from an Olde English word meaning, simply, "spring." The custom of fasting at this season was instituted in the fourth century.

But before Lent begins (this Wednesday, February 22) there is Shrove Tuesday. This was once the big day for cockfights in England, but that has given way to the more benign tradition of making and eating pancakes. In some parts of England, there still are pancake races and pancake scrimmages.

We leave you with this verse, appropriate for the season:

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

If the licker don't get you,

The wimmen must."

Murphy's Law

2012-02-19T14:07:00.001-08:00

If Cal Murphy had been the author of Murphy's Law ("Anything that can go wrong will go wrong") the law would have been "Play hard and you'll win."

Murphy, who died in Regina last week just shy of his eightieth birthday, played hard and often won: he had nine Grey Cup rings.

Born in Winnipeg, but raised in Vancouver, Cal Murphy played for the Fighting Irish at Vancouver College, the UBC Thunderbirds and, briefly, the BC Lions. But it was as a coach, not a player, that he will be remembered. He was head or assistant coach for schools from the University of Hawaii to San Jose State and for teams from the Chicago Enforcers to the Frankfurt Galaxy. He coached the Lions for a time, but his greatest run--fourteen years as coach and general manager--was with the Winnipeg Bluebombers.

Several years ago, Cal Murphy was one of a group of Vancouver College grads who had earned success in diverse fields pictured together in a school poster. The copy line read "You can get anywhere from here." Murphy did. And now, the tough coach ironically dubbed "Kindly Cal"joins Annis Stukus, Bud Grant, Jackie Parker and others from Canada's coaching fratermity at the Great Gridiron in the Sky.

The Urge to Propose

2012-02-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

This is St. Valentine's Day, when many a man feels the compulsion to kneel and propose wedlock.

Let us hope they fare better than Edward Gibbon, author "The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire." Gibbon, on a terrace with Lady Elizabeth Foster, dropped to his knees and asked her to marry. Lady Elizabeth declined, and said, "I bid you to rise." Unfortunately, the roly-poly Gibbon found he could not.

It is not recorded how the portly historian eventually was moved. Perhaps by a horse-drawn cart, the 18th century equivalent of a tow truck.

China/Canada Trade Agreement

2012-02-11T12:50:00.000-08:00

Prime Minister Stephen Harper capped his successful China venture by announcing a major trade agreement, signaling, he said, "a new spirit of friendship between our two great nations. As for our former friend in the White House, I just want to say nyah nyah nyah."

Pressed for details regarding the historic China/Canada trade, he said, "It's a win-win for both sides. They are sending us two giant pandas. We are trading them John Baird and Bev Oda."

A spokesman for the pandas said "We were hoping for Feist and Rex Murphy, but we'll take what we can get."

What the Dickens!

2012-02-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

February 7 marked the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Dickens. To celebrate, several of his creations gathered at Mr. Pickwick's club for a pint and a pipe.

Everyone had great expectations for the party, and it was indeed grand. Oliver Twist and Little Nell sang a duet, Tiny Tim did a tap dance, Martin Chuzzlewit and Barnaby Rudge played darts, Sidney Carton proposed a toast, and Ebenezer Scrooge said he would stand drinks for all.

However, when the bill came around, Scrooge found his pocket had been picked. He had, he remembered, been sitting beside the Artful Dodger.

Mahmoud vs. Bart

2012-02-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

The government of Iran has banned the Simpsons. Homer, Bart and company have been declared unacceptable by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad & Co. for their blatant presentation of the American way of life.

Spiderman and Superman are okay with Mahmoud and the Mullahs (sounds like a 1960s rock group) because they appear to be supernatural forces aiding humanity.

No word so far on Blondie, Garfield or Rex Morgan, M.D.

Wonder Woman, however, is definitely out. It is believed that the sight of the super heroine, minus bhurka, could lead, among young Iranian men, to an uprising.

Post-Super Bowl Comfort for the Patriots

2012-02-06T07:47:00.000-08:00

Coach Belichick and QB Tom Brady of the New England Patriots, undoubtedly sore after their four-point loss to the New York Giants, might take comfort from the words of the legendary Vince Lombardi (for whom the Super Bowl trophy is named).

Coach Lombardi said, "We never lost a game. We just ran out of time."

The Hundred-Buck Burger

2012-02-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

A Vancouver eatery named Dougiedog has created what the market has long demanded: the $100 burger.

This culinary breakthrough, the fast food equivalent of landing on Mars, begins with a foot-long bratwurst doused with a Cognac that goes for $400 a shot. We presume the dog gets an eye-drop. Added to the century-note dog are lobster and truffle oil. Maybe foie gras as well--we lost track after the Cognac.

This may herald an upward trend throughout the old-fashioned comfort food chain. Expect soon to see the $75 mac and cheese, the $90 tuna noodle casserole, the $110 poutine, the vintage root beer float at $500 a shot.

Watch for the Pointless Digressions food cart on a corner near you. All major credit cards accepted.

Feboobery

2012-02-01T18:41:00.000-08:00

We have arrived at the month radio announcers dread: February.

The reason: they find it difficult to pronounce. Such multi-syllabic challenges as Fatareh Motamed-Aria, anthropocentrism, and Skwxwu7mesh roll trippingly off their golden tongues, but February puts them into a cold sweat. The word comes out as Feboobery, Fooberry and Ferooery.

Why, they lament, is this month so named? Why not a simple name like May or June? Answer: February was the month of purification among the ancient Romans, who, as we all know, badly needed purifying. The month takes its name from the Latin word "februo," meaning "I purify by sacrifice."

The Wise Old Disc Jockey has these words of comfort for tongue-tied announcers: "If February comes, can March be far behind?"

Let them eat cake--chocolate cake

2012-01-28T14:34:00.000-08:00

January 27, we have only now learned, is National Chocolate Cake Day, at least among our friends to the south. It is claimed that chocolate cake had its origins in Massachusetts in 1765, but we are taking this with a grain of creme de cacao.

Possibly the most elegant variation on the basic chocolate cake is the deservedly famous sacher torte, created by the chef of an Austrian prince in the nineteenth century. Most appealing, with a chilled dessert wine.

A viewer has complained that while there may be a national salute to chocolate cake, there is none for the chocolate martini, the chocolate Coke, the fudgsicle, or chicken mole.

And this just in from a heavenly source: "Where's the day for angel food?"

Newt Moons the US

2012-01-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

As his backup group, The Newtones, hummed "Oh, You Crazy Moon," former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich declared that if elected president, he will establish a base on the moon. Gingrich, hoping to receive the Republican Party's nomination for the presidency, said also that he would push for more flights to Mars. "Because," he said, "we love their chocolate bars."

President Obama congratulated Gingrich on what he called his "spacey thinking" and his ability to think "not only outside the box, but outside the planet. Even if Speaker Gingrich fails in his bid," said the president, "we would be happy to accommodate his dreams of space travel and put him on a flight to Pluto."

Supporters of Gingrich now proudly identify themselves as Moonies.

Burns in Winter

2012-01-25T15:29:00.000-08:00

Much atthol brose will be consumed today, along with the haggis, and there will be countless recitations of the poems of Robert Burns.

On Robbie Burns Day, most will remember the romantic verse ("My Love is Like a Red, Red Rose") or the whimsy ("To a Wee Mouse") or the patriotic ("Scots Wha Hae Wi' Wallace Bled"), but we are grateful to the Reverend Douglas Fenton for alerting us to the less familiar "Winter's Dirge." Here is the middle stanza:

The sweeping blast, the sky o'ercast,

The joyless winter day

Let others fear, to me more dear

Than all the pride of May.

The tempest's howl, it soothes my soul,

My griefs it seems to join;

The leafless trees my fancy please,

Their fate resembles mine.

Another Glenfiddich, please.

Steve Delivers the Message

2012-01-25T09:12:00.000-08:00

Prime Minister Stephen Harper and entourage emplaned for Davos, Switzerland to attend the World Economic Forum. The Prime Minister's Office reports that Mr. Harper will entertain world economic leaders with his rendition of the Wilf Carter favorite, "I Miss My Swiss/My Swiss Miss Misses Me." It is believed that the Prime Minister has been taking yodeling lessons.

Later, in a keynote address, Mr. Harper is expected to deliver a stern message to his counterparts in the European Union. "However," said a PMO spokesperson, "he will do this in song." The song chosen is the Steve Allen cult classic "You Gotta Have Something in the Bank, Frank."

Meanwhile, the meeting of Mr. Harper and cabinet ministers with leaders of Canada's First Nations has drawn mixed reviews. "On reflection," said the PMO spokesperson, "it may have been a mistake for the Prime Minister to come dressed as the Lone Ranger with John Baird as Tonto. However, we are assured that our native brothers will get a fair shake from this government."

Mr. Harper concurred: "Honest Injun."

Pointless Fans Rise Up, Cow Congess

2012-01-18T17:40:00.000-08:00

An unprecedented Internet revolt was carried out today by millions of fans of this blog. Threatened by the implications of proposed legislation in the United States--the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA)--legions of Pointless Digressions followers from Tahiti to Tuktoyaktuk bombarded the US Congress with threats of their own; e.g., we will stop watching "Cupcake Wars," we will enter Bev Oda in the Republican primaries, we will flood your airwaves with Stephen Harper performing the Anne Murray Songbook. One protester Twittered, "PIPA is a pip! What intellectual property do they have to protect? Reruns of The Jetsons? Nixon's State of the Union addresses? The Best of Sonny and Cher?"

Thoroughly cowed, the sponsors of SOPA and PIPA immediately retreated. "What were we thinking?" said one. "It must be that free wine they give us in the Senate cafeteria," said another. "Let's get back to our real job, blocking anything reasonable proposed by the President."

Meanwhile, the Pointless Digressions fans have formed an organization of their own: Keep Our Online Koming (KOOK).

The Immortal Fred on Tobacco Road

2012-01-16T18:02:00.000-08:00

In one of its "let's look back" features the Vancouver Sun noted that on January 16, 1953, nine VPD officers charged into the Avon Theatre and carted away cast and crew of "Tobacco Road," a stage version of the Erskine Caldwell novel. It was reported that an "enraged citizen" had called to say the play was obscene.

The play's director urged the audience of 1,000 to stay in their seats, and before long, the cast returned, still in costume, fake beards and all, having paid or had paid for them $100 bail money. The play went on, and through its Vancouver run played to SRO houses.

What the Sun did not report, and what was not known, to the audience or the police, is that the call by an "enraged citizen" had been orchestrated by publicist Fred Hill, who saw this as a way to grab attention and fill seats.

Fred staged a number of imaginative publicity stunts in Vancouver and, as an actor, toured in a long-running production of "The Drunkard." He then departed for England, where, among other activities, he worked hard to give actor Oliver Reed a gentler image and had Tony Jacklin drive a golf ball off a highrise development into the Thames. In his spare time, he claimed to have discovered the identity of Jack the Ripper.

One of our favorite Fables of Fred: one afternoon he had some serious dental work performed. That evening, he attended a performance at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. Uncomfortable with his new teeth, he kept trying to push them into place. At the intermission, a matron next to him said, "I hope that in the second act you will cease that annoying clicking." "In that case," said Fred, "you hold them." And handed her his teeth.

Cracked,But Not Breaking, News

2012-01-13T18:10:00.000-08:00

A second district in France has outlawed the designation "mademoiselle," stating that it is discriminatory. Anyone caught singing "Mademoiselle from Armentieres" will be sent to the guillotine.

A front row concertgoer in New York recently disrupted a performance of Mahler's Ninth Symphony when his cell phone began playing a marimba ring tone. New York Philharmonic conductor Alan Gilbert halted the orchestra until the cell phone was silenced. We, however, have always felt that the Mahler Ninth needed a marimba.

Meryl Streep has received praise for her performance as Margaret Thatcher in "The Iron Lady," while the film's depiction of the former British prime minister has been assailed, in loyal Conservative quarters, with obloquy. Ms. Streep, undaunted, travels to Canada for her next portrayal of a powerful PM: John Diefenbaker.

Steve's China Adventure

2012-01-12T11:40:00.000-08:00

Prime Minister Stephen Harper has announced he will visit China, an event heralded by Chinese media as "the most exciting since the visit of Richard Nixon."

The PM has been studying intensely for this important meeting with the world's fastest growing economic power. He has been rehearsing "Chopsticks" at the keyboard, learning Confuciunisms from old Charlie Chan movies ("John Baird," he says, "can be Number One Son"), and ordering dim sum in the parliamentary dining room. His favorite dish is chicken feet. "Chicken feet," he laughs, "that's what I used to call Dion and Ignatieff."

He had been hoping to sing "On a Slow Boat to China" in Beijing, but the estate of composer Frank Loesser has secured an injunction preventing this. Instead, he will perform a song of his own, one chorus of which follows:

"While you folks strive and toil

We're the ones who've got the oil.

You and me should have a chat

When we get the stuff to Kitimat."

Foreign Fomenters

2012-01-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

In recent times, unrest in various countries has been blamed, by the countries' leaders, on "external sources," foreigners, radicals, even terrorists who have entered their land to foment dissent.

This is the story being told by Syria's Basher al-Assad, as it was by Muammar Gaddafi (remember him?) and now, Canada has joined the club, as Natural Resources minister Joe Oliver claims that opposition to the proposed Enbridge pipeline has been orchestrated by (shudder!) non-Canadians.

Two points: 1. Joe (and al-Assad, et al.) have no problem accepting funds from outside their countries, but that's it. Send the money and stay out of our stuff. 2. Joe (et al.) are unwilling to admit there may be genuine opposition from citizens of their own lands. This is known as denial.

Although, who knows? They may be right. there may be a sinister international syndicate--Foreign Fomenters, Inc.--ready to come in and mess up any country.

Check out their website.

Watch out for those Socialist Billionaires!

2012-01-09T15:51:00.000-08:00

Joe Oliver, Canada's Minister of Natural Resources (not to be confused with legendary jazz cornetist King Oliver, whose straight name also was Joe) complained today of environmentalists and others opposed to a pipeline that would carry oil from Alberta to the Pacific.

These people, said Joe, appear to be motivated by ideology. A curious charge for a Harper Conservative to make. What Joe meant was that the environmentalists' ideology is different from the Conservatives' ideology, which would make it wrong, if not totally evil.

Then Joe unleashed a warning: the protesters, he said, are being funded by Socialist billionaires in the United States. We didn't know there were a lot of Socialist billionaires in the United States. But if you meet one, please give him our number. Our motto: "Ideologies-R-Us."

Canucks vs. Bruins redux

2012-01-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

Saturday's hockey game in Boston brought together for the first time since last year's Stanley Cup finals the Boston Bruins and Vancouver Canucks. It aso produced some extraordinary moments, including a hit on Sami Salo by Brad Marchand that caused Global TV sportscaster Jay Janower to call Marchand "that little four-letter something you seldom hear on television."

But our favorite post-game comment came from Bruins coach Claude Julien, who said, "If guys start protecting themselves the way Marchand did maybe guys will stop taking runs at other guys because that's the consequences you end up paying for taking runs at guys." Got that, guys?

Neither CBC nor TSN carried the game; it was left to Sportsnet to come through. Canucks coach Alain Vigneault, tongue firmly in cheek, said it could not have been an important game, as no major network bothered to pick it up.

One would have thought that network programmers might have anticipated a hot contest between last year's Stanley Cup rivals--especially when a look at the schedule revealed it would be the only regular season match-up of Canucks and Bruins.

But there's always post-season and playoffs. Anyone for another round of Bruins vs. Canucks?

The Feast of Epiphany

2012-01-06T16:25:00.000-08:00

January 6, Christians celebrate the Feast of the Epiphany, and the church calendar moves into what is known as the Epiphany octave. It is the period for remembering, and thinking about, the journey of the Magi (Wise Men, Three Kings) to see the Christ child.

In addition to the Biblical account, there are a number of literary improvisations on the story of the Magi, the best known, probably, being T.S. Eliot's poem ("A cold coming we had of it/Just the worst time of the year/For a journey"). But there are other writings attuned to Epiphany, and two of the most rewarding are "Journey of the Magi" by Paul William Roberts and "The Four Wise Men" by Michel Tournier.

Roberts, primarily a journalist, who lives in Toronto, tells the often funny story of his retracing, by car and camel, of the Magi's route, from Iran through Iraq and Syria to Israel. Tournier's novel is fanciful, a bit fantastic, and ultimately profound and moving.

A work we remember with great pleasure, but have mislaid, even forgotten its title, is a charming narrative poem that ends with the Magi returning home, but leaving a camel for the child and his friends to ride and play with in the great sandbox of the desert.

We wish us all, in the year 2012, a few epiphanies of our own.

Breaking News

2012-01-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

Economic statisticians reported today that Canada's top CEOs (Costly Excessive Oligarchs) had earned as much, in the first two and one-half days of 2012, as the average Canadian will earn in the entire year. We think that shows that the CEOs deserve an extra-long coffee break this afternoon.

In British Columbia, the provincial government's program to help smokers give up nicotine is proving effective. However, a recent analysis of the patches distributed by the Christy Clark regime indicate that they also contain a powerful anti-Adrian Dix drug.

The situation in the Persian Gulf grew tense today as US aircraft carriers gave the Iranian navy the Clint Eastwood stare. A spokesman for Iran retorted, "What the Americans do not know is that we have developed a gigantic nuclear falafel."

Finally, latest polls from Iowa show the favorite in tonight's Republican caucus vote to be Bart Simpson.

What, 2012 already?

2011-12-31T16:37:00.000-08:00

A quiet moment before the bells ring, the sirens wail, the fireworks explode, partyers on the floor above start singing "Auld Lang Syne," the neighbor next door comes by to borrow a cup of gin, and the police arrive. As Fats Waller put it so memorably, "The Joint is Jumpin'".

January 1 was not always the beginning of the year--ancient Romans got their calendars going in March. The English did not take January 1 as New Year's Day until 1752. Presumably that was the year they discovered Champagne.

The making of resolutions is a custom that seems to endure. One that did not last was the bribing of magistrates--we are not making this up--which was abolished by law in 1290. However, you may still find someone in elected office willing, for old time's sake, to accept a packet of cash slipped under the table.

Enjoy the holiday. And should you find you have celebrated not wisely, but too well, take heart from the words of Jack Wasserman: "It is better to have a morning after than to never have a night before."

Blessings on you, Brother, and take that!

2011-12-28T19:04:00.000-08:00

It has been reported that a fight broke out between priests at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. Fifty to sixty reverend battlers of Greek Orthodox and Armenian faiths began swinging broomsticks. They were heard calling to each other, "Peace to you, Brother!" Whap! "Yeah, same to you, fella." Bash!

In Pyongyang, North Korean police arrested dozens of citizens after the funeral cortege of Kim Jong Il passed by. The arrestees were charged with underacting.

And in the Agitated States, the lineup of candidates for the Republican presidential nomination was increased today by the entry of Grumpy, Dopey and Sleepy. Grumpy is currently leading in the polls, but all those running are nervous about the anticipated entry of Larry, Curly and Moe.

Fans by Age Groups

2011-12-26T20:10:00.000-08:00

Watching, with pleasure, Leonard Cohen's London concert, we noted that Cohen, age 77, is the Justin Bieber of the septuagenarian crowd. Bieber, of course, is the favorite of the tweenies.

Tom Jones devotees used to throw various items of lingerie at the Welsh belter. At Bieber concerts, they throw training bras. At Cohen performances, they throw supp-hose.

In the middle of these age groups, we find Michael Buble. What do fans throw at his concerts? Cannoli.

Scrooge Redux

2011-12-24T19:26:00.000-08:00

Cadwallader Scrooge, great-nephew of Ebenezer, woke in the wee small hours to the sound of rapping on his door and the dragging of chains. He knew, it being Christmas Eve, that it was Steve Marley, great-nephew of Dickens's Marley, and the notorious purveyor of fraudulent Sri Lankan junk bonds, back to haunt him again.

"C'mon, Steve," said Scrooge. "Give it a rest. I had a late night. Too much Brand X egg nog."

"Be warned," intoned Marley, giving it his best Ken Nordine imitation, "three ghosts will come to visit you this night."

"Tell them to make an appointment," said Scrooge. "Have their people call my people."

Marley dragged his chains away, off to torment various MPs, MLAs, premiers and prime ministers. A long night ahead.

Scrooge had drifted off, dreaming of old Esther Williams movies, when a spectral presence appeared at his bed. A spectral presence in the form of Bernie Madoff.

"I," said the figure, "am the Ghost of Christmas Past. Look back, O Mortal, to those times when you left meagre, insufficient tips in restaurants, at hair dressers, and shoe shine stands. Should you not mend your ways while there still is time, you will spend eternity as a bus boy in Hades."

Scrooge reached for the Grey Goose vodka under his bed and went back to sleep. For a moment. Came then another knocking at his door, and a voice ringing out,"Cadwallader Scrooge! I am the Ghost of Christmas Present."

Scrooge replied, "Sorry, buddy. You have the wrong address. The man you're looking for moved last year. Check your address book."

"Sorry, guy," said the ghost, and departed.

Scrooge was back in dreamland, playing the lead role in a 649 commercial, when the next visitor appeared. "I," said a juvenile voice, "am the Christmas Future." A figure appeared in the guise of Justin Biebert.

"What," said Scrooge, "I couldn't get Lady Gaga? I couldn't get Feist?"

"You get what you deserve," said the ghost, as he suddenly transformed into Robert Goulet. "And here is what awaits you. Elizabeth May as Prime Minister. Rick Mercer as Governor-General. Twenty-four-hour 1970s elevator music. A pipeline running through your bedroom. A tax audit. Nothing on television except adult diaper and walk-in bathtub commercials. An investigation into..."

"No, no," cried Scrooge. "Stop! Tell me what I can do to prevent this."

"A simple gesture of generosity," said the ghost, "Merely sign over your shares in Apple, Microsoft and RIM to Ghosts.Inc."

"Where do I sign?" gasped Scrooge.

The ghost smiled, handed him a pen, and said, "Sign here."

Bobby Lou Sings!

2011-12-21T14:24:00.000-08:00

News that pop crooner Michael Buble had suited up for practice with the Vancouver Canucks was followed today by an announcement that Canuck goalie Roberto Luongo is scheduled to sing with the Buble band. "That's right," said Buble's manager, "we're all eager to hear Roberto's signature song, 'The Ballad of Bobby Lou'."

And there's more show biz excitement for the Vancouver team. The entire Canuck lineup will appear in an upcoming Michael Buble video, dancing a routine from "Chorus Line." Canuck coach Alain Vigneault said, "We've been working on the choreography and we've got some pretty slick moves. I think you'll be surprised."

"You bet," said Henrik Sedin. "Eat your heart out, Dave Bolland."

Zat You, Santy Claus?

2011-12-16T18:11:00.000-08:00

Late one cold December night, as the embers in the fireplace glowed and the brandy in our snifters warmed, a great clatter and considerable profanity came from the chimney. And suddenly standing there, covered in soot and with a bird's nest on his toque, stood Santa Claus. A spectacularly unkempt and un-jolly Santa Claus. A Santa Claus who looked like Nick Nolte.

"Uh--is that you, Santa Claus?" I asked.

"Who the #&*$& comes through the chimney?" he said. "And is it too much to ask that you get the $#@&*% thing cleaned once a year?"

"Perhaps," I said, "I could offer you a restorative brandy?"

"Just tell me where the liquor's kept," he said. "I'll serve myself."

As he stood by the liquor cabinet drinking a rare Glenfiddich from the bottle, we were interrupted by a commotion at the entrance door. Standing there dripping on the Aubusson carpet was a bedraggled creature in a green elf outfit. A creature who looked remarkably like Christian Bale.

"My head elf," said Santa. And to the elf, "Where you been, pal? Stop at a strip joint somewhere?"

"Had to park the freakin' reindeer. Not easy in all that %#$*& snow. But listen, man, where are the chicks?"

"This isn't the place. I know I promised you the sorority residence again, but after last year, they've made it a no-fly zone. I ask you, what kind of Christmas spirit is that?"

"What a drag. Hey, Donner and Blitzen are a little peaked after all that egg nog. Okay if I bring them in?"

The door swung wide and two wobbly reindeer slumped in. I must report that the reindeer had not been house-broken. Goodbye, Aubusson carpet.

"Is that all the booze you've got?" said Santa, throwing another empty into the fireplace.

"I thought," I said, "the usual treat was cookies and milk."

"Are you serious, man? On a run like this?"

"Remember when we used to hit Miles Davis's place?" said the elf. "That was cool."

"Very cool," said Santa.

"One year we didn't get back to the Pole until January."

"Ma Claus was already talking to her lawyer."

"Good thing you brought her some of that Liz Taylor jewelry."

"She said to me, 'Now this is the kind of ice I like.' Okay, Elf, time to move. With luck, we can make the late show at The Penthouse."

Reaching into my teak humidor, he extracted a half-dozen hand-rolled Cuban cigars. "You got good taste, fella," he said. "We'll be back. Maybe bring some of the other elves."

And then, before vanishing up the chimney, he pressed a finger to his roseate proboscis and said with a wink--or, perhaps, twitch--of his eye. "Stay cool, dude."

"What happened," I said, "to Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night?"

"Oh, man," he said, "that is so last Christmas."

Mike's socks

2011-12-13T20:50:00.000-08:00

Superstitions abound in sports, and one that worked for Mike Benevides involved his socks.

Benevides, today named new head coach of the BC Lions, told reporters that as defensive coordinator he wore the same pair of socks for the Lions' last eight games. It is not known if in tight situations he walked close to the opposing team's bench and took off his shoes.

Coach Benevides said that following the Lions' Grey Cup win, he had the lucky socks incinerated. Or someone did.

We believe he should have had them bronzed.

Pointless Christmas Gifts

2011-12-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

Got your gift list checked off? Got what you need to thrill all those special folks in your life? Or do you suffer from mallphobia and can't face the crowds and bad background music? in that case, fret no more! Our Pointless Presents Panel has put together a sure-to-please gift list for those who have everything. (Or nothing--works both ways.)

* Angie and Joe Fighting Dolls! Miniature replicas of Joe Kapp and Angelo Mosca. Wind them up, and they slug it out. Batteries not included.

* "Even Stephen"--the PM's great follow-up CD to his Grammy-nominated "Grievin' Stephen." Special guests: Celine Dion and Rob Ford.

* The D.B. Cooper Getaway! Here's the adventure of the year! A parachute drop into the forests of northern Oregon, with a sack full of make-believe money! Better than bungee jumping!

And still available: Pointless Digressions baseball caps, tee-shirts and coffee mugs, all made in North Korea!

You can order without leaving your home! Unless, of course, you want to leave your home, a condition known to many at this time of year. For you, we offer inclusion in the Witness Protection Program! Think of it--new identity, new address, attractive false hair! Your creditors can't find you! Your relatives can't find you! for details, call 1-888-GETMEOUT.

Call now! Operators are waiting!

Newtering the Country

2011-12-11T14:42:00.000-08:00

Canadian Environment Minister Peter Kent has proclaimed the accord reached at the Durban, South Africa, conference on climate change "fair and balanced," which shows that the minister either has a fine sense of irony or spends a lot of time with Fox News.

And now, to the U.S., where televised debates among Republicans hoping for their party's presidential nomination are still trailing "Cupcake Wars."

Backers for Newt ("Whaddya mean, I coulda been a contender? I am a contender!") Gingrich are growing in number, especially among those who believe Harold Robbins deserved the Nobel. They have now formed an alliance known as the Newters. "When Newt becomes president," said one, "we'll Newter the whole country!"

Recalling Irving Berlin's "I Like Ike," the Gingrich team has released a new campaign song. Titled "You're a Beaut, Newt," it beat out "You're So Cute, Newt" and "We Salute Newt." A video has been filmed, featuring Kelsey Grammer in his Sideshow Bob persona as lead singer, with backup by a trio called The Newtettes, representing the present and former Mesdames Gingrich.

A new political genre--the attack song--has also been produced by the Gingrich team. So far, it has songs attacking Governors Perry and Romney, employing their first names, Rick and Mitt. Unfortunately, the lyrics have been deemed unsuitable for general audiences.

Newt's Inventions

2011-12-11T12:01:00.000-08:00

Republican hopeful ("I can come back!") Gingrich was criticized today for saying that Palestinians are an "invented people." A Palestinian commentator retorted that is Newt who was invented, and that he is really a reject from Edgar Bergen's dummy factory.

Some suggested that Gingrich's statement was a shameless ploy to draw the Jewish vote. "They're all meshuga," said the ex-Speaker of the House, adjusting his yarmulke. "Just because I show a little chutzpah? Please! Now pass me my knishes and celery tonic."

Border Security and Mr. 40 Percent

2011-12-07T17:51:00.000-08:00

Prime Minister Stephen Harper met with US President Obama today. It took some time for Mr. Harper to get into the United States. He had to convince the border guards that he was not really a Taliban terrorist disguised as an overweight Canadian politician.

While in Washington, Mr. Harper commented on the unhappiness in Russia following the recent disputed election. "They're upset that Putin's party got a little less than fifty percent? Heck, we got in with forty percent, and look at the job we're doing."

It was noted that the Russian leader was seen recently crooning "Blueberry Hill" with a Moscow doo-wop group. Mr. Harper advised, "Keep it up, Vlad. But you might want to get some newer material."

The Prime Minister then exited the Oval Office, singing "I'm Hip."

Good Golly, Coach Wally!

2011-12-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

Wally Buono, forever (at least for now) referred to as "the winningest coach in CFL history," has announced his retirement as head coach of the BC Lions. He will still be around, however, as general manager of the team and vice-president, football operations, and he may turn up to accept the Annis Stukus Trophy for a fourth time as Coach of the Year.

The odds favor Mike Benevides, longtime Lions defensive coordinator, as Buono's successor (although Jacques Chapdelaine, the offensive coordinator, may be saying, "What am I, chopped liver?") and a long shot is ex-Lions QB Dave Dickenson, now offensive coordinator for the Calgary Stampeders. But Wally may surprise us all again, and appoint an unknown high school coach from Five Flats, Arkansas.

The real reason Coach Buono is stepping back, some say, is that if he wins many more Grey Cup rings (he has seven--two as a player, five as a coach) he will have to grow more fingers.

Meanwhile, it has not been confirmed that BC Place will have its name changed to Wall-Mart Stadium.

For PD Sports, Slap Maxwell reporting.

What You Don't Hear from the Santa Claus Parade

2011-12-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

Vern Clogsdale, distressed husband: "I can't believe it--my wife ran off with a reindeer!"

Sgt. Brock Largefeet, VPD: "We apprehended a gang of pickpockets dressed as elves."

Al Klatzmir, patron of the arts: "My favorite float was the Penthouse Pole Dancers, wearing toques and tinsel, and sliding down a giant candy cane."

Sgt. Brock Largefeet: "We found several persons seriously impaired from smoking fermented cedar needles."

S. Claus: "I'm calling my agent. Next year I want a better gig. Maybe 'CSI: North Pole'."

Sgt. Brock Largefeet: "We are taking S. Claus in for questioning."

Cookbook Etiquette

2011-12-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

Arranging cookbooks on a shelf is something like placing guests at a dinner party. How are the seating combinations going to work? Will they charm or repel each other? Is it safe to put Anthony Bourdain's "Kitchen Confidential" next to Susan Mendelson's "Mama Never Cooked Like This"?

Will Bobby Flay and Julia Child get along? What will Jamie Oliver and Joanne Kates have to talk about? Are Denny Boyd's "Man on the Range" and Laurie Colwin's "Home Cooking" a good pairing? Will Emeril be captivated by Barbara-jo McIntosh's "Tin Fish Gourmet"? Can James Barber's "Peasant's Choice" be a compatible match for Jane Brody's "Good Food Book" or will she turn to Pierre Dubrulle?

We still have to seat Nero Wolfe, Vij, Caren McSherry, Mark Bittman, and--wait! Madame Benoit is running away with Keith Floyd!

Blow by Blow with Angie and Joe

2011-11-26T17:24:00.000-08:00

It turns out the great match this Grey Cup weekend is not between the Lions and Bluebombers, but between Joe Kapp and Angelo Mosca. Fists, flowers and canes flew at the Grey Cup alumni lunch.

It was the first encounter between Angie and Joe since the mid-1960s, when Kapp was the Lions' fleet quarterback and Mosca was a juggernaut lineman for the Ti-Cats. Apparently the warm feeling between the two has endured for almost half a century.

The dust-up between the two 73-year-olds has given reality TV producers a host of new ideas. Vance Loudermilk, President of Banal Productions, says, "We already have it on our radar. We're thinking of scheduling a show called 'Septuagenarian Sluggers.' I can see it now--two grizzled geezers battling it out over their walkers!"

Loudermilk is not alone. Also expressing interest is Royce Vinderlost, whose hit shows include "Mud Wrestling with the Stars" and "Celebrity Memory Loss."

Meanwhile, an Ottawa-based production company is considering a show in which old political rivals would duke it out. Burt Popoff of Lowcost TV says, "Imagine getting John Turner in the ring with Brian Mulroney! Or Paul Martin with Jean Chretien!"

A source close to the current Prime Minister says there are no plans for Mr. Harper to pull on the gloves with Michael (Ali) Ignatieff. However, there is talk of a musical venture: "Sing Along with Steve."

Shock and Delight Your Friends!

2011-11-25T10:48:00.000-08:00

Available now--the Complete List of Banned Words!

Yes, viewers, for the first time you are able to own the complete list of words and phrases branded obscene or objectionable by the government of Pakistan! Contains many words known only to Pakistani censors!

Be the first in your peer group to employ these rude vulgarisms! Impress, surprise, shock and delight your friends! Watch their ears fall off in admiration!

Send only $19.95 for the Complete List! And, here's the bonus: we'll send you two lists, the second free! One for you, plus an ideal gift for a potty-mouthed friend or relative!

The Complete list of Banned Words--not sold in stores. Only $19.95, plus a four-figure tax payable to the government of Pakistan.

Call right now for your Complete List of Banned Words! Operators are waiting!

(Not recommended for use on social media. Remember: Watch how you text/Or your head may be next.)

Sad Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

The saddest symbol of the American Thanksgiving this year is the painting on the cover of the November 21 edition of The New Yorker.

This is not the typical Norman Rockwell painting of a happy multi-generational family gathered around the festive board; instead, it is a tableau as bleak and lonely as any by Edward Hopper.

The scene is a slightly below average cafe, with a table set for a solitary diner: chunky water glass, one limp flower in a glass bottle between salt and pepper shakers, a square of butter on two slices of processed white bread, and a plate holding one drumstick, a pool of gluey gravy in a mound of instant mashed potatoes, and the obligatory sides of carrots and peas. The lone diner is not seen.

The painting is by Wayne Thiebaud. Its title, appropriately, is "Turkey Dinner."

Homage to St. Cecilia

2011-11-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

Belated homage. November 22 is the feast day of St. Cecilia, and it seemed to us that insufficient attention was paid. We're sure that Rupert Lang, Patrick Wedd and other organists will have had this second century singer-saint in mind, for it was she who invented the organ.

Cecilia is the patron saint of music--it is said an angel fell in love with her musicianly talent. She is also the patron saint of the blind, for she herself was blind. Her husband was Valerian, who honored Cecilia's vow of chastity. Both were given the crown of martyrdom, brought from Paradise by the angel.

In London, on St. Cecilia's Day, the Worshipful Company of Musicians processes to St. Paul's Cathedral for divine services. Would that we could see such processions everywhere, for, as Dryden versified:

"At length divine Cecilia came

Inventress of the vocal frame."

Another great $#%&* idea from Pakistan

2011-11-21T14:30:00.000-08:00

Gregor Robertson, re-elected Mayor of Vancouver, told followers, "I am very $#*+& happy."

Meanwhile, Guardians of the Nation's Morals in Pakistan have released a list of 1600 words deemed "obscene" or "offensive," which must be excised from text messages and other social media. Some of the words appear to be known only to the censors, and there is a strong belief that they made them up. This seems to call for an investigation by the Official Pakistani Regulators of Thought Processes.

Asked for his opinion on the Pakistani ruling, Mayor Robertson said, "I think it's a very sound $#@%&* idea. I wish we could have used it on those #$@&*+ NPA commercials."

Report from the Twilight Zone

2011-11-18T18:53:00.000-08:00

"Breaking Dawn," the penultimate film in the "Twilight" series, which chronicles the love life of a vampire, has just opened in theatres across North America and Transylvania. Appropriately, the initial screaming--uh, screening--was at midnight. For a report, we go to our resident cinematiste, Byron "Thumbs Up" Applethorpe. Over to you, By:

"Well, P.D., it was an experience. I attended the screening with my new lady friend, Vladima. Frankly, I was a bit confused. I thought the movie was 'Braking Don,' a biopic on the great Kettle Valley brakeman Don 'Switcher' Bloomer. I was wrong.

"When we were seated, I asked Vladima if she'd like anything from the confection counter. 'Yes,' she said, 'a big orange: blood orange.'

"The film rolled on, and I confess, gripping as it was, my mind wasn't on the movie. That Vladima brings a new meaning to the word necking.

"After the show, I suggested we go for a bite. She said,'I'm always ready for a bite. But I must be home before sunrise.'

"We went to Sloppy Ed's for snacks, and everything was going fine until my roasted elephant garlic appy arrived. Vladima took one whiff and split.

"So, I ate both our orders and went home. My roommate said, 'Hey, By--what's that on your neck?'

"I said, 'Is it a hickey?'

"He said, 'No, it looks more like two small puncture marks.'

"That's it for now, P.D. I have to run--I have a sudden irresistible craving for blood sausage. "

Watch out! Here come the Octogenarians!

2011-11-17T18:50:00.000-08:00

Recent statistics reveal that the fastest growing age group in Canada is post-85. You may wonder what this means for our home and native turf. Here are a few indications of the future:

* Radio stations devoted entirely to the music of Lawrence Welk, Russ Morgan, and Shep Fields' Ripplin' Rhythm

* All-night raves devoted to crazed whist parties

* A rush on bolo ties and supp-hose

* Interprovincial whittling competitions

* A National Horseshoe League

* The replacement of Justin Bieber and Sidney Crosby as fan favorites by the two geezers in the TD Bank commercials

Be ready--it's coming! The onslaught of the Octogenarians!

Fall Football

2011-11-13T19:24:00.000-08:00

And so the long-reigning (well, two seasons) Alouettes are headed earlier than expected to the golf course, while in Alberta, it was good to see former St. Thomas More teammates Jon Cornish and Calvin McCarty perform well on opposing teams.

Good to have Hamilton Tiger-Cats back in the playoffs, but can they hold off Buck Pierce ("toughest man in the CFL") and the mighty Bluebomber defence?

As for the Western final, BC Lions vs. Edmonton Eskimos--well, we don't want to jinx it, so we'll remain silent.

Today, according to the Writer's Almanac, is the birthdate of both St. Augustine and Robert Louis Stevenson. Recommended reading tonight: the "Confessions" and "Treasure Island." (We were going to suggest "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde," but that might interfere with your sleep.)

Notes from Slap Maxwell, sports, and Ashley Cartwright, arts.

Justin and Sid

2011-11-09T18:35:00.000-08:00

We thought we had run into Sidney Crosby in a shopping mall the other day, but it turned out to be merely a life-size cardboard replica of Sid the Kid. Not long after that, we found ourselves face to face--well, not quite face to face, due to height differences--with Justin Bieber. Another stand-up cardboard cutout.

We were reminded of an incident involving Al Pollard, one-time BC Lions running back and CKLG sportscaster. Al had taken on a job as manager of Oscar's Steak House on Georgia Street in Vancouver. In the lobby was a life-size image of Al in his Lions uniform. One evening, a couple of patrons who may have over-spent their time at the bar kidnapped the cardboard statue and began lugging it across the street to the Ritz Hotel. Enraged, Al took off across Georgia, dodging traffic the way he had dodged tackles, and brought down the miscreants on the steps of the Ritz. Satisfied, he tucked his cardboard self under one arm and walked back through the traffic to Oscar's--where, we hope, the crowd cheered and bought him a drink.

Note to fans: the cardboard cut-outs of Justin and Sid do not sign autographs.

See How They Run

2011-11-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

There seems to be some strange compulsion this fall driving people to run for public office. In Vancouver, some thirty people, a busload, have tossed their hats (or wigs or nose rings) into the municipal election. Nine persons have claimed they are the rightful heirs to the NDP national leadership. And in the United States, at least eight characters--the usual suspects--are fighting knife and mud-ball for the Republican presidential nomination. Now it has been reported that a parrot named Wilmer has launched his campaign to take over the US Oval Office, with strong Tea Party support.

And this just in: a surprise candidate for mayor of Pitt Meadows is a Mr. G. Papandreou. Ouzo for all!

Football News and Famous Birthdays

2011-11-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Montreal Alouettes are waking up this morning saying, "It was just a bad dream, wasn't it? We didn't really lose 43-1 to the Lions, did we? Tell me it was just the poutine working."

In further football news, it was good to see two young Canadians--Jon Cornish of the Stampeders (formerly of St. Thomas More, Burnaby) and Andrew Harris (three touchdowns!) of the Lions--have such a good day.

And now, on to birthdays, and a salute to famous Scorpios who entered the world on this date, if not in the same year. In no particular order, they include John Philip Sousa, Adolphe Sax, Charles Dow, James Jones, Harold Ross, Sally Field, James Naismith, Jim ("Fibber McGee") Jordan, Thandie Newton, Suleiman the Magnificent, and Johanna the Insane. And closer to home, as newscasters like to say, award-winning children's book author Deborah Hodge. A happy day to all, wherever they may be.

Happy 75th to the People's Radio Network

2011-11-03T00:11:00.000-07:00

The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation is celebrating its seventy-fifth anniversary, and it is time to remember some of the programs and performers who have popped out of our radio speakers over the decades.

Knock knock!

"Who's there?"

"It's the Happy Gang."

"Well--come ooonn in!"

"Keep happy with the Happy Gang,

Keep happy, start each day with a bang!

A happy Thursday to you

From the boys and Miss Stokes--

We hope you like our music

And our songs and our jokes,

Yuk yuk yuk yuk."

And we remember with fondness the stories of "Just Mary;" Andrew Allan's Stage series (radio drama, whether from Toronto or Winnipeg, was wonderful, and Len Peterson of Regina wrote great radio plays); "Harmony House" and "The Burns Chuckwagon" from Vancouver, produced by Bill Bellman; Bob Smith's "Hot Air;" and Lorne Green's ne plus ultra eight o'clock newscasts.

Some say it was the railway that united Canada, and they may be right. But in another way, what drew this country together, in a shared consciousness, was the CBC.

The Hairy Lip Club

2011-11-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

We have entered the month of Movember. That is not a typo. "Movember" is what this month has been renamed, to launch a national moustache-growing event. The intention is to raise awareness and funds for male health issues, primarily prostate cancer.

Men across the country have donated their upper lips for the cause. The most popular moustache styles are, in ascending bristly order: the Harold Macmillan, the Yosemite Sam, and the Salvador Dali. The Errol Flynn and Teddy Roosevelt did not make the cut.

In other news, the BC Lions meet the Montreal Alouettes Saturday in what promises to be one of the most exciting games of the CFL season. If the Lions club once again blacks out TCN coverage, fans plan to show their appreciation by pouring hot fudge through the roof of BC Place.

And in Greece, Georges Papandreo, the big sagonaki, announced a referendum on the nation's financial issues. Voters will be asked if they approve a plan to cut wages, lay off workers, reduce benefits, and raise taxes. Watch for Mr. Papandreo soon to be running a curbside souvlaki stand.

And now, prepare to celebrate Movember--grow a moustache! (Not you, madam.)

Hallowe'en Tale

2011-10-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

When George Edwards fell asleep, he was very tired. It had been a long week of meetings and travel, and he had followed his usual Scotch and water with a carafe of St. Emilion at dinner, so what happened that night might have been a dream.

He hoped it was.

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, Edwards felt the bedcovers pulled away from him. He began, irritably, to adjust them. And then he heard a soft voice--a woman's voice--saying, "Ralph--I knew you'd come back." She pronounced the name "Rafe." Edwards felt something silken press against him, arms curve around him.

He sat up at once, pushed back his eyeshade, reached for the light switch. Whatever was happening, he wanted no part of it. He was a responsible man, vice-president of an insurance company, warden of his church, a Kiwanian, a married man preparing to give his eldest daughter in marriage next month.

"Madam," he said, "I believe you are in the wrong room." The light came on, and he had only a glimpse of a woman in a blue ball gown fleeing through the door. Or vanishing through the door.

Shaken, he arose, took two of the pills his doctor had prescribed, told himself he would give up red wine, and went back to bed.

When the telephone rang at the hour he had requested, he got up, still groggy from the pills, ordered poached eggs and whole wheat toast from room service, and stepped into the shower, turning the water first very hot and then very cold.

When Edwards had eaten and dressed, he felt in control of himself, and dismissed the nighttime incident as a bizarre dream, but not one he would recount to Martha.

The bellhop who carried his bag from the front desk to the taxi stand looked too old and bent, Edwards thought, to be doing this, but he knew many seniors and retirees had returned, by choice or necessity, to work.

The man was also annoying familiar. "Well, sir," he said, "sleep all right last night?"

"Satisfactorily," said Edwards.

"No disturbances then?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Wasn't a lady invade your privacy, come for a late night visit?"

"See here, what are you getting at?" Edwards noticed a peculiar odor about the man--poor personal hygiene, he thought, and moved a step away.

"Well, sir, it's just that you was in 1402, and strange things have happened in that room over the years, always on the same date."

"Um--what sort of strange things?"

"Well, single gentlemen check in, and they say that sometime in the middle of the night a woman wearing a long blue dress comes waltzing in, says she's looking for a fella named Rafe."

"This has happened a number of times?"

"Oh, whole lot. Story is, there was a couple from Boston staying in 1402. Honeymooners. One night, fella says he's going down for cigars. Never comes back."

"And now...?"

"Now she turns up once a year, same date, looking for him. Don't suppose she'll find him, though."

They were at the curb, and the taxi first in line had pulled up beside them. "You seem to know the story well," said Edwards.

"Oh, I should," said the bellman. Edwards noticed that the man was now standing erect, and the old fogeyisms in his speech had been replaced by crisp, Gielgudian diction. "I saw them that evening, carried their bags, and detected a certain weakness in the man. When he came down for cigars, I told him of a private club where he might enjoy many other pleasures.

"And," said the man, as his eyes turned a peculiar orange, "for a short time, he did."

Most unpleasant, thought Edwards, handing the man a bill and taking his bag. "When," he said, "is all of this supposed to have occurred?"

"In 1921. Have a safe trip, home, Mr. Edwards." And then he was gone, leaving only the pungent smell of sulphur.

"Hey, buddy," the cab driver called, "you gonna get in or just stand there talking to yourself?"

Scary Stuff

2011-10-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

As Hallowe'en approaches, we feel it is our responsibility to direct you to entertainments that will scare you out of your socks. Or, if you are not wearing socks, out of your goose-bumped skin.

Let us look first at stories. A favorite here is "The Phantom," Lee Falk's comic strip about "The Ghost Who Walks," but while clever, not really scary. There is Henry James's "The Turn of the Screw," which is about as black as it gets, and, on the flip side, Thorne Smith's "Topper," an ectoplasmic romp. A revered archbishop passed along the classic ghost stories of M.R. James, there is the always reliable Stephen King, and Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House" should produce some chills. But for our money, trivial as it is, the best (and most urbane) ghost story is "The Green Man" by Kingsley Amis. (We hear a ghostly clapping somewhere.)

Music: Programmers always go for the obvious, like "Danse Macabre" and "Night on the Bare Mountain," but a truly scary piece of music is the score from Hitchcock's "Spellbound," once the theramin sets in. One of our contributors played this late at night at his radio station to keep himself awake; terrified, but awake. And if you want to boogie, there's "Monster Mash."

Now, coming to films for the haunted night, there are many spooky offerings and some ("Ghostbusters," "My Favorite Ghost") that are pretty funny. Some, too, that are romantic; e.g., "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir." But best of all is "The Uninvited," which is ghost story, mystery, and romance. Who can forget Ray Milland climbing those stairs, candalabra in hand?

(Okay, there is one more movie, but it is so scary I can't tell you about it.)

A good evening to all spirits hovering.

3-Day Novel News

2011-10-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

Melissa, mistress of the 3-Day novel Contest, has reported initial results of this year's literary marathon. (It was the thirty-fourth--one wonders how many of those who entered in Year One are still whacking out words.)

Over the Labor Day weekend 548 writers produced manuscripts totaling 13 million words. Entries came from Canada, USA, UK, Australia, France, Germany, India, Ireland, Kuwait, Mexico, Serbia, Spain and Switzerland. Increasingly bleary-eyed judges are now wading into this pile of words, and hope to announce the winner in late January.

Clyde Bicklethorp produced a work of 100,000 words in which, emulating Jack Nicholson's character in "The Shining," he repeated the line "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" ten thousand times.

Brad Gassenhoop submitted what he termed "conceptual literature," similar to that brief gallery trend known as conceptual art. This meant that Brad simply wrote his idea for a novel: multi-generational family saga taking place on two continents and involving war, mystery, humor, and lots of sex. "It's all there," said Brad. "Who needs to write the whole thing out?"

A wave of the ink-stained hand to all those now preparing for the 35th 3-Day Novel Contest in 2012. Masochism knows no bounds.

St. Crispin and Crispian

2011-10-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

If you were planing to take your Manolo Blahnik stilettos or your Fox & Fluevog chukka boots into the cobbler today, forget it. He won't be there. Today is the feast day of Crispin and Crispian, patron saints of shoemakers, and traditionally a holiday for those in the craft.

Crispin and Crispian were brothers, born in Rome, who traveled to Soissons, France in the year 303 to introduce Christianity. While there, they supported themselves by mending shoes. (Soles and souls--a little ecclesiastical humor, ha ha.)

Today, their names are better known for the speech Shakespeare gave Henry V on the eve of the Battle of Agincourt: "And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by/But we in it shall be remembered."

A good day to all, and especially shoemakers and menders.

Raising the Roof

2011-10-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

This department has received a copy of a letter sent to Raising the Roof Ltd. by a gentleman who does not want his name made public for fear of reprisals, but does wish to make his predicament known. Without further editorial comment, here is his letter:

Dear Sirs:

I was pleased when our strata council selected your firm to repair the roof of our apartment complex. I thought we couldn't do better than a company whose slogan is "When It Comes to Roofing, We Top Them All."

And I must say your team did a fine job, although I often wished they had not set up their base directly above us and tuned their radio to "The Hawaiian Heavy Metal Hour" at 7:00 a.m.

But, they did their job and did it well. Then I was most impressed when your customer relations people sent a letter inviting us to alert them to any deficiencies in the workmanship.

Well, sir, I have no complaints regarding the workmanship, none at all. But I do have one small concern. It's Ralph. You may know who I mean--stocky fella, big moustache, not much on personal daintiness. Ralph was working just above our deck, when one day he heard me shaking a pitcher of Martinis. He called, "I'll be right down."

Of course, I thought he was kidding, but a minute later, he swung through the patio door, and said, "Hope there's not too much vermouth in there." I guess the Martinis must have been okay, because Ralph drank the whole shaker. Then he hit the refrigerator. "Got any brie?" he said. "How about prosciutto? And you really should get better olives."

Now, I'm as hospitable as the next person, so I tried to make Ralph feel welcome, even playing him my Willie Nelson gold album, while checking my watch from time to time. But came eleven o;clock, Ralph gave a big yawn and said, "Tough day. Think I'll get me some Zs. Got some blankets in the closet?" And he stretched out on the sofa and started to snore. Sounded like an enraged bull elephant.

In the morning, Ralph said, "Not much for me. Just a latte and a chocolate croissant, and maybe a papaya. Although come to think of it, I could go an Eggs Benny. Morning paper here yet?"

Well, sir, that was three weeks ago, and Ralph is still here. He has emptied the liquor cabinet twice, doubled our food bill, and now he has started wearing my clothes. "Lucky we're the same size, ain't it? Although I am a much more virile guy, if you know what I mean," he says, winking at my wife, Velma. I kind of don't like the way he looks at Velma.

So I wonder--is there any chance you could come around and collect Ralph? I have to say that while I appreciate the work you've done on the roof, I would rather have a drip in the ceiling than a jerk in the room.

Yours truly.

F______ P______ -- floored by the roofer.

2011-10-22T15:42:00.001-07:00

The Big Pink Machine

2011-10-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

This month the Canadian Football League is targeting breast cancer; thus there is more pink on the turf than we have seen since Jack Hutchinson coached a UBC girls team in the Powder Puff League.

The players, even 300-pound linemen who look ready to bite off an opponent's arm, are wearing pink--pink socks, pink chin guards, pink wrist bands; the coaches are wearing pink--pink baseball caps, pink scarves, pink tee shirts; the broadcasters are wearing pink--pink ties, pink pocket puffs, pink toques; even the officials are wearing pink--pink whistles on pink cords, and they are throwing pink flags. Pink wigs have replaced watermelon helmets, and the white stallion that races around MacMahon Stadium whenever the Stampeders score a touchdown had its mane tinted pink. We have to report that the horse looked embarrassed, probably thinking "What are the guys gonna say back at the stable?"

In other news, there has been an infestation of bedbugs in some Burnaby libraries. A Ms. T. Gaudet of Nanaimo comments, "This will probably discourage people from reading in bed."

We leave on a chorus of that western classic, "The Mean Old Bedbug Blues."

Sing it again, Tony

2011-10-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

Tony Bennett, only octogenarian ever to top the Billboard charts, spoke generously today about the singers who perform with him on his "Duets II" CD. He described Michael Buble as "a great entertainer..perhaps the Louis Prima of today." This may surprise Buble, who will now have to imagine himself singing "Bingo Bango Bongo, I Don't Want to Leave the Congo" and duets with Keely Smith, backed by Sam Butera.

A shelf of fine recordings has come from Mr. Bennett. Among the choicest are the Rogers and Hart set he made with George Barnes and Ruby Braff, his duets with Bill Evans and with k.d. lang, his stomping, knockout performances with the Basie band, and the little known, happy accident of his songs with a Stan Getz quintet (available on a double CD called "Tony and Jazz").

Sometime in the 1960s, when Mitch Miller was A&R director of Columbia Records, he got Tony to sing the Hank Williams lament "Cold, Cold Heart." It sold a gazillion copies. But one day, Bennett says, he picked up his telephone and heard a voice say, "Mr. Bennett? Hank Williams. Are you the one who's ruining my song?"

In Tony Bennett's honor, we will pop the cork on a bottle of Asti Spumante.

And in other news...

2011-10-18T20:49:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to RCMP Supt. Mike Diack, who on television this evening, pronounced "resources" correctly'; i.e., accenting the second syllable.

A Mr. Garner, late of this planet, noted, with his usual prescience, a tendency of speakers to lean on the first syllable of words beginning with "re" leading to "ree-sources, ree-peat, ree-inforcements, etc." He blamed this on Wynton Marsalis.

Congratulations also to Katie Malloch of CBC Radio 2's "Tonic," the best, if not only, jazz deejay in the country (if not the world, but who knows what they're spinning in Pago Pago?) Ms. Malloch tonight announced a new euphemism for someone having departed this world. It is: "crossed the rainbow bridge." Which, of course, we all hope some day to do.

Finally, federal Agriculture Minister Rob Zitz (sounds like a call for Clearasil) said that junking the Canadian Wheat Board and allowing farmers to bargain on their own would be better for them. And who can argue? Remember what clever Jack got by trading his cow for a sack of beans.

Hallowe'en and other scary things

2011-10-17T19:11:00.000-07:00

Hallowe'en approaches, and our gang has settled on masks and costumes. Well, almost. We have elected to go as the half-dozen hopefuls for the GOP presidential nomination. Our problem: everyone is fighting to go as Michelle Bachman. This is a switch on last year, when we were dressing up as Stephen Harper and his cabinet ministers. No one was willing to go as Tony Clement. Not even Tony Clement.

In literary news, Margaret Atwood, known to her old UBC colleagues as Peggy, has stated that she does not write "science fiction" (despite such other-worldly novels as "Oryx and Crake"). She writes, she says, "speculative fiction." Which means, we presume, that she writes stock prospectuses and IPOs.

It has been reported that Canada's finance minister, Jim Flaherty, delivered in Ireland today what has been called a "blistering speech" attacking European governments for not dealing effectively with their financial crises. At the Dublin airport, Flaherty was divested of all his Euros and received a coded message from Prime Minister Harper saying, "Go easy on the Old Bushmills, Jim."

Searching for Muammar

2011-10-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

The search for deposed Libyan strongman Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi has been complicated by the numerous spellings of his name. He is known as Gaddafi, Qadhafi, Khadafy, Gathafi, and several other surnames.

NATO Commander Sir Oswald Blinken-Trout said, "How do we know what name he will sign when he checks in to a hotel?" Foreign affairs analyst Wilfred Bruggenhoff speculates "Gaddafi may actually be seven different people."

Meanwhile, there are unconfirmed reports that Gaddafi/Qadhafi has been seen at a Tim Horton's, dipping doughnuts with Jimmy Hoffa.

Investment News

2011-10-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

I tried to call my broker to sell my stock in Research in Motion, but couldn't get through on my BlackBerry.

Quick! Grab the remote!

2011-10-12T08:19:00.000-07:00

Television commercials for products we would rather not think about while dipping into our bag of Fritos:

-- Adult diapers

-- Cold sore remedies

-- Septic tank removal systems

We have to go now, to watch Pat Boone deliver our favorite walk-in bathtub commercial. Splish splash!

Turkey Lurkey escapes the axe

2011-10-10T11:48:00.000-07:00

The notorious Turkey Lurkey (aka "Smirky" Turkey), escape artist from several high security farms, has been taken into the Witness Protection Program. Orville Fishburne, director of relocation, said Lurkey had provided valuable information allowing the bureau to close down many operations that were marketing soy peanut butter as smoked turkey.

Lurkey has been given the identity "Sam Peacock" and sophisticated cosmetic surgery, including the attachment of a multi-colored, iridescent tail. He said, "Wait till the dames see this! They will be like totally wowed!"

The location where Lurkey/Peacock now resides remains a secret. Some say it is a vegan commune, while others believe it is the same spot where Igor Gouzenko was hidden for many years. Wikileaks speculates that it is somewhere near Lantzville, BC, and that the renegade gobbler has been seen occasionally sitting in with a local jazz ensemble.

Sheriff Rudy McGonigal vows to never give up his search for Lurkey. "And when we find him," says McGonigal, "we're going to have turkey jerky."

And this just in: Residents of a turkey breeding farm in Saskatchewan report they are being terrorized by a ghostly flock of headless turkeys. Several have fled their homes, saying, "We couldn't stand the incessant gobbling any longer."

We have Good Nudes and Bad Nudes

2011-10-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

ESPN reports enormous interest in its photograph of Ryan Kesler minus his Vancouver Canucks uniform. Hockey fan Elmira Framitz said, "We heard Ryan had a hip problem, but that hip looks good to me." Adelaide Grimster said, "I'm ready for a body check any time he wants to deliver it!"

However, while ESPN enjoys great success with the undraped Kesler, "60 Minutes" says that so far, there has been little demand for its nude photo of Andy Rooney.

Homicidal Laundry

2011-10-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

You may remember HAL 2000, the paranoiac computer in Stanley Kubrick's otherwise hilarious "Space Odyssey." Well, Gentle Reader, we have now met its match: the homicidal home laundry.

At first we thought the automatic clothes washer was content to simply swallow hosiery, laughing cruelly as members of the household tried to match one Argyle diamond with one Mickey Mouse sock. Then it began attacking lingerie, forcing us to improvise with paper towel and Saran.

But now, it has moved on to savage attacks on all manner of garments; it has become the Ferocious Fabric Fiend. In these haunted precincts, it is known as "the Ripper."

We are now using a washboard, left over from our days with the Grand Ole Opry, and a dented basin picked up at a neighborhood yard sale.

Cleanliness may be next to Godliness--but not with the Ripper. We pray it will not soon begin roaming the apartment, seeking new victims in dresser drawers and closets.

At least you could reason with HAL 2000.

Chess, anyone?

2011-10-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

BC Place--the new gazillion dollar structure with a roof that works on the garage door principle--opened this week, and several brawny football players said, "Man, this is nice!" For there they were in a well-lighted, temperature-controlled, wind-free environment to play their game. No more the wind that rushed through what used to be called Taylor Field, no more the frozen surface of Commonwealth in November, no more the challenge of rain or fog at Empire. And no more the game as it was intended to be played.

Football is meant to be played outdoors, with the weather, whatever it may be, adding to the drama and the unpredictability of the contest. With the rise of enclosed stadiums, football has become, in many cities, as protected as a game of chess. Even kids shooting marbles play in real weather.

As for the fans, luxuriating in their super-posterior-width cushioned seats, we doubt they enjoy the same visceral satisfaction as fans standing on the sidelines in the rain or huddled in mufflers in the stands, clutching Thermos bottles filled with restorative beverages.

A Mr. Garner, late of this planet, once spoke of golf in much the same way, saying that while most players hope for a balmy day on the links, the game was invented in Scotland, and played on blustery, bone-chilling moors.

Time to get real, sports fans. Or stay home and read "Paper Lion" and "Golf Dreams."

Drinking with Hemingway

2011-09-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

The current issue of Vanity Fair has an article by A. Scott Berg titled "The Hunt for Hemingway." In it we learn that Hemingway's unknown correspondence is to be published (a collection called "Selected Letters" came out in 1981). What remains is, we are told, enough to fill sixteen volumes, which will be released over the next twenty years.

The irony of this is that Hemingway made very clear his wish not to have his letters published. Nor did he want unpublished material or works in progress to be made public, but that has never stopped those who might profit from their publication.

Berg writes that more than 3,000 documents have been found in Hemingway's Cuban residence, Finca Vigia. Hem, if you really didn't want it published, you should have burned the stuff.

Of more practical value in the Vanity Fair piece is the listing of the contents of Hemingway's Finca Vigia bar: Schweppes Indian Tonic, Gordon's gin, Old Forester bourbon, Campari, Bacardi rum, and El Copey Agua Mineral.

When the letters come out, Hemingway fans will read them. We'll feel guilty, but we'll read them. Some Old Forester bourbon may ease the guilt.

Rioters promise advance information next time

2011-09-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

Vancouver Police Chief Jim Chu has defended his force's failure to prevent the post-Stanley Cup riot, saying the police were not given advance information that a riot was to take place.

Officials of Riots 'r' Us have apologized, and say that the next time a riot is planned, they will issue a news release. For continuing information, Chief Chu and other interested parties are directed to civildisobedience.com.

On the international stage, Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the United Nations assembly today and railed at GQ magazine for again failing to make its Top Ten Best Dressed list.

More Leaked Photos!

2011-09-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

Our hi-tech wizard, Melville Rimster, reports more leaked photos are creating uproar in Celluloid City!

This past week, fans were shocked at the release of photographs of Scarlet Johansson with a poorly positioned bath towel. The purloined pics apparently were obtained by a person hacking into the actress's cell phone. A spokesperson for Ms. Johansson said, "At first we were taken aback, but realized later that the photographs send a strong message to impressionable youth about regular bathing."

Now the film world has been rocked by the release of intimate photographs of Ma and Pa Kettle! The racy images depict Ma in her peekaboo flannel nightie and Pa in his Burt Reynolds style plum-colored long-johns.

The photographs were hacked from the Kettles' hand-cranked wall phone, which is still on the party line. "And," says our informant, "these folks really know how to party."

Hollywood is now bracing itself for the threatened release of yet more inside photographs--this time of Lassie and Trigger!

Making the list--badly dressed, but happy

2011-09-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

Always pleased to find something easily plagiarized, we turn to a fellow blogger to learn about the ten happiest toilers. The top four, guaranteed to keep one in a constant state of euphoria, are clergy persons, firefighters, physiotherapists, and authors.

We have tracked down the man said to be the happiest person on earth. He is Archdeacon Roland J. Canticle, Anglican clergyman, volunteer firefighter, trained masseur, and author of "Hose and Ladder to Salvation."

Contacted by our staff, Archdeacon Canticle, bouncing on the rectory trampoline, said, "I am so happy I worry that Heaven may be a letdown." The Venerable Roland was immediately knocked off the trampoline by a lightning bolt, but he called out, "I'm still happy!"

The other list of note today is a ranking of the worst-dressed cities in the world. Vancouver comes in at #3. Our Fashion Editor, Quincy Malaprop, takes great umbrage at this.

"Some," he said, "may fail sartorially, but I believe I have set the standard for elegance in this natty burg." As he spoke, Quincy was wearing a suit tailored from gerbil suede over a Vancouver riot jersey and a classic necktie that lights up in the dark and says "Kiss Me Quick."

Greetings, Mr. Benchley

2011-09-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

September 15 was the birth date of Robert Benchley, writer, wit, actor, Algonquin Roundtable member, hanger-out with Dorothy Parker.

He said, "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."

Benchley's classic short films turn up occasionally on Turner Classic Movies, and he can often be seen providing nuggets of wit as a supporting player in 1940s comedies. Benchley himself was played in "Mrs. Parker and the Wicked Circle" by Campbell Scott, who looks nothing like the short, plump, moustachioed writer, but pulled off Benchley's routines with great aplomb.

Our favorite Benchley story: he was leaving a nightclub slightly the worse for wear and saw a uniformed man he assumed to be the doorman. He asked him to call a cab. The heavily gold-braided gentleman turned indignantly and said, "Sir, I will have you know I am an admiral in the United States Navy." "In that case," said Benchley, "call me a battleship."

3-Day Marathon--the Aftermath

2011-09-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

Tattered survivors of the 2011 3-Day Novel Contest have begun to straggle in. It is a sorry sight, as the literary marathoners drag themselves across the finish line.

Vernon ("Vermin") Klipnagel said, "I was doing good until I was tripped up by a dangling participle."

"You mean you were doing well," said Agatha Hemlock-Smythe.

"Everyone's a #*#&* editor," said Vernon.

"The syntax was hell out there," gasped Rodney Riverton. "I was thrown by a misplaced modifier."

"How many pages did you complete?" asked Agatha.

"Three," said Rodney. "Topped my record for 2010."

"Not exactly 'War and Peace'," snickered Willis Snively.

"No comparison," said Rodney. "Tolstoy had a whole week to write that."

"Well, that's it," said Vernon, rubbing Tiger Balm on an intransigent intransitive. "I'm done, through, never again."

"Never again?" said Agatha.

"Well," said Vernon, "at least not until Labor Day 2012."

3-Day Novel Triathlon

2011-09-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

This is the weekend--the thirty-fourth weekend--for the 3-Day Novel Contest. Entrants are required to write a novel in 72 hours, from 12:01 a.m. September 3 to 11:59 p.m. September 5.

Many writers have been in training for months for the annnual Literary Triathlon. Burgess Vanderwort says, "I read the complete works of Anthony Trollope twice and did weight-training with the novels of James Michener. I am now sharpening one hundred H2B pencils to a lethal point."

Edith Buglethorpe says, "I followed the advice of my personal trainer and started gradually, writing words of one syllable. I worked up to sentences, then paragraphs, but hit the wall at the novella. But now, with a keg of Faulkner bourbon and an oxygen tank beside me, I'm ready to go."

3-Day contestants are free to write wherever they wish. Some write in tree houses, some in bus depots, some in public rest rooms. Some have taken on unusual challenges. Farley Wotherspoon, for example, has elected to write his novel in rhymed couplets. Amos Dooville plans to write his backward, in the manner of Leonardo da Vinci's mirror writing. "I may not win," he says, "but the judges will remember me."

We wish them all luck. Load up on the benzedrine and industrial strength coffee, and get your call in to Muses 'R Us.

What's in your Glimmerglass?

2011-08-26T22:32:00.000-07:00

Mr. Ian Garner of Ripe, U.K., our roving opera correspondent, has taken up the challenge of New York's Glimmerglass Festival to blend operas and beer.

Mr. Garner has stirred the brew to bring Mozart, Rossini and Britten into the pub with these works:

"Die Entfuhrung aus dem Ser-ale"

"La Donna del Lager"

And our favorite for a pint: "Billy Budweiser."

Our Ripe reporter also suggested an aria, "Lager al Factotum," Figaro's show-stopper from "The Barber of Seville," with this notation: "Lager ma non Troppo"--lager, but not too much, which he writes, "is always good advice, I think."

Ray Noble addendum

2011-08-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

Further to notes on composer-bandleader Ray Noble, posted a few days ago, this item:

On one of his last albums ("Dream a Little Dream," 1994) Gerry Mulligan included a ballad he called "Noblesse." In the liner notes, Mulligan wrote "Ray Noble was a song writer and a band leader for whom I had great admiration. He came here [to the USA] in the Thirties from England, and subsequently his band was home to many famous musicians of the time, including Benny Goodman, Tommy Dorsey, Jimmy Dorsey, Claude Thornhill, and many more. He wrote a number of memorable tunes, of which the best known to jazz audiences is 'Cherokee.' 'Noblesse' is my tribute to Ray Noble."

Arias & Suds

2011-08-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

The Glimmerglass Festival, an annual summer opera event on Oisego Lake in northern New York, has launched a competition involving beer. No, not how much can be consumed, attractive as that might be to some. This competition is for the creation of a new beer.

Francesca Zambello, festival artistic director, says, "Opera and beer have a long history, with many drinking arias and choruses. One of the gems of our area is the superb Brewery Ommegang, and I am proud our organizations can work in tandem to create one special brew."

Amateur brewmasters are asked to "describe your perfect beer, one that brings together your appreciation for both opera and beer." For the whole frothy story, go to glimmerglass.org/the-festival/beer-creation-contest/.

This summer's festival is staging four operas, including "Medea" and the not-quite-opera "Annie Get Your Gun," with--wait for it--Wagnerian superstar Deborah Voigt as Annie Oakley. We look forward to her rendition of "Anything You Can Brew, I Can Brew Better."

Program suggestions for festival planners: "The Brewer of Seville," "The Bartered Brewer," "Die Meisterbrewer von Nuremberg," and anything by Giacomo Meyerbeer.

And now I believe it's your turn to spring for a round.

Noble Ray Noble

2011-08-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

Listening the other evening to a performance of "The Very Thought of You" by Kenny Barron and Charlie Haden, we thought again of Ray Noble, who composed that song, along with some sixty others, but is, it seems, seldom remembered in the way that, say, Hoagy Carmichael and Cole Porter, are remembered.

Jazz musicians admire Noble's noble work, from "Cherokee," a great vehicle for both Charlie Barnet and Charlie Parker, to "The Touch of Your Lips," one of Bill Evans's favorite ballads. Among Noble's other songs: "I Hadn't Anyone Till You," "Love is the Sweetest Thing" and "Goodnight, Sweetheart," always the last number played at 1940s high school dances. (Or so we are told by persons who recall that era.)

Noble's first success--at age twenty--was as an orchestrator. At twenty-two, he was music director of the record company that is now EMI. Born in England, he moved, in 1934, to New York, taking with him singer Al Bowlly and drummer Bill Harty. He put together a band that included Claude Thornhill, Will Bradley, Bud Freeman, Charlie Spivak and yes--Glenn Miller. They opened at the Rainbow Room atop the RCA/Radio City Building, a gig leaders would have killed for. Increasingly rare recordings can still be found.

Ray Noble became best known to the world at large as music director for Edgar Bergen's network radio show, in which he, along with Nelson Eddy and others, became foils for Charlie McCarthy's lethal humor. He even wrote the Mortimer Snerd theme--not on quite the same plane as "Cherokee."

Remembered now are those lovely ballads. Let's hope their composer will be remembered as well.

Name Change for Right Wing

2011-08-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

The extreme right wing of the US Republican Party has announced a name change, to further differentiate its policies from those of the Democratic Party. Spokesperson Erwin Stroud said, "From this time on, our candidates will proudly bear the title 'Americans Not All Liberals,' or ANAL."

Stroud continued, "We believe that voters who support such candidates as Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann and Newt Gingrich will embrace ANAL."

And now, today's Travel Tip: When boarding an airplane, make sure you are not seated next to Gerard Depardieu.

Literary Quotation grabbag

2011-08-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

Another slow day at the Digressions Depot, therefore a clutch of quotations:

"The ideal view for daily writing, hour on hour, is the blank brick wall of a cold-storage warehouse." -- Edna Ferber.

"He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him." -- Oscar Wilde on George Bernard Shaw.

"Poets aren't very useful/Because they aren't consumeful or produceful." -- Ogden Nash.

Silly Season Officially Opened in USA

2011-08-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

Michele Bachman, described by Andy Borowitz as the candidate preferred by Republicans who find Sarah Palin "too cerebral," has won the Iowa Straw Poll, a fundraising nonevent that should be taken about as seriously, writes The New Yorker's Ryan Lizza, as a corn on the cob eating contest.

(You can tell it's a slow day here when the best lines are swiped from other writers.)

Meanwhile, it is reported that Paul Ryan, the House of Representatives' Republican budget prestidigitator, is a disciple of Ayn Rand, author of "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged." There is good news and bad news here. The good news is that one of the Tea Party heroes can read. The bad news is what he is reading.

A belief that there is something profound or literary in these novels is an adolescent condition like acne, which in most people is a temporary affliction. Ryan, however, has ordered his staff to read Rand's books. Surely there is something in the US labor code that forbids this.

And don't tell Stephen Harper, or soon all the Conservative MPs will have to read "The Wit and Wisdom of Preston Manning."

Watermelon Warning

2011-08-12T21:26:00.000-07:00

Saskatchewan Roughriders fans, arriving at Vancouver's Empire Field last weekend, were informed that their watermelon helmets--headgear de rigueur for Roughies fans--were not allowed. Security staff explained that watermelons could become dangerous projectiles.

Were this so, fans in Regina tonight, watching their team blow two sure touchdown chances within millimetres of the goal, then losing 45-28 to the Calgary Stampeders, might have been tempted to hurl their watermelons at the sputtering Green Machine.

And this just in: CSIS reports that Iran may be stockpiling watermelons.

The Harper Bossa Nova

2011-08-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

Stephen Harper returns to Ottawa from Sao Paulo, bringing with him many memories, an enthusiasm for the bossa nova, and Carmen Miranda hats for Bev Oda, Leona Aglukkaq and John Baird.

"It was a successful trade mission to this new economic superpower," said a spokesman for the Prime Minister, "and everything went well, after that first address to Brazilian leaders." Mr. Harper had opened his remarks by saying, "I'm delighted to be in Brazil, where the nuts come from." The Prime Minister was surprised by his audience's reaction. "Can't understand it," he said. "Bob Rae told me they'd love the line."

Later this week, Conservative Party leaders are expected to be entertained at a Brazilian Night Fiesta, where they will be served deep-fried plantains and non-alcoholic daiquiris, and the Prime Minister will sing a number of Brazilian-inspired songs, including "The Big White Dude from Ipanema," "One Vote Samba" and "They've Got an Awful Lot of Pesos in Brazil."

Golf Dreams

2011-08-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

"Where is human nature so weak as in a bookstore?" This memorable line, by Henry Ward Beecher, is on a bookmark from Jane Ross Books in White Rock, a shop we hope is still there. It was in Jane Ross Books that our literary and golf editor acquired "Golf Dreams" by John Updike, a collection of wonderful pieces, fiction and nonfiction, by the extraordinarily prolific writer.

"Golf Dreams" includes. among much else, the short story "Farrell's Caddie," recommended to all, even those who think a nine iron is something used to press pants.

One of our team sent a copy of "Golf Dreams" to Canon R.S.L. McAdam, his youthful spiritual mentor, and a dedicated golfer still playing in seniors tournaments in his nineties. There was no response, and our guy thought perhaps it had been unwise to send Updike to a conventional clergyman. You might say he had bogeyed his shot.

But do check out "Golf Dreams." And meet us for a drink at the nineteenth hole.

Having the Last Word

2011-08-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

Famous and not so famous last words:

Edmund Beckett Denison, later Lord Grimthorpe, designer of London's Big Ben: "We are low on marmalade."

Inscription on Frank Sinatra's tombstone: "The Best is Yet to Come."

We trust that Frank is right, and that Lord Grimthorpe will have an endless supply of marmalade.

Happy Birthday to the Pres.

2011-08-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

Barrack Obama turns fifty today. "What a week," said the US President. "First I have to deal with the debt crisis, and now I get the midlife crisis."

The horoscope reading for President Obama (a Leo) is reassuring. According to the stars "an updated image will boost your confidence, and good things will happen if you strive for your goals. Your lucky numbers are 8, 14, 20, 22, 29, 37 and 42." "I am hoping," said the Pres, "for 2012 to be lucky."

Vice-President Joe Biden burst into the oval office carrying a basketball covered with penuche frosting and sang out, "Happy birthday, Mr. President! In your honor, I have organized a tea party!"

"Thanks, Joe," said the President. reaching for a Nicorette. "But skip the Tea Party."

Bok Choy Day

2011-08-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

August 1 was established as a provincial holiday in 1974 under the government of Dave Barrett. It was designated as "BC Day," BC standing for "Barrett's Choice." Later, under Gordon Campbell, BC Day became known as "Big Cheese Day." And, said Premiere Campbell, "I am the Big Cheese."

Residents of Richmond, however, know that the designation "BC" really stand for Bok Choy. Get that Mongolian Hot Pot going, and stir in lots of bok choy! (Bad Chicken Day has been scratched.)

Enough, already!

2011-07-31T13:59:00.000-07:00

Hands up, all who never want to hear another word about the US debt crisis.

Hands up, all who believe the average US congressperson has the mental acuity of a cantaloupe.

Hands up, all who feel this is unfair to cantaloupes.

Hands up, give us all your cash. (Our way out of the debt crisis.)

On the Cliff with Boehner's Complainers

2011-07-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

Those who remember the Kingston Trio's recording of "Tom Dooley" may warm to the version currently being sung in Washington:

"Hang down your head, John Boehner,

Hang down your head and cry.

No use bein' a complainer--

Your bill ain't gonna fly."

Meanwhile, 87 Republican freshmen in the House of Representatives, full of toxic tea, run lemming-like toward the cliff.

Here at the Pointless Digressions base, we are all, to show our support, wearing President "Hoop Star" Obama tee shirts.

Life Imitates Art and Vice Versa

2011-07-29T22:01:00.000-07:00

Watching Jim Barker, coach of the Toronto Argonauts, our football analyst, Bradley Turfburn, believes Coach Barker may have been watching Al Pacino in "Any Given Sunday." So far, however, there have been no stand-ins for Jamie Foxx's upchucking quarterback.

And on the subject of overheated coaches, no one, says Bradley, comes close to Bruce Dern as basketball coach Bullion in "Drive, He Said."

Please pass the nachos and beer nuts.