Monday, February 28, 2011

A Night at the Opera

The Opera Company of Philadelphia has chosen to stage the Gounod version of "Romeo and Juliet" not as a family vendetta, but as a feud between rival fashion houses. Under director Manfred Schweigkofler, the masked ball has been replaced by a runway scene, and the blood feuds include paint-spraying each other's posters ("Take that, you bitch!"). 

We look forward to further modernizations within the repertoire. For example, in "La Boheme" we might find Rodolfo as a video game programmer and Mimi as a temp; in "Madama Butterfly," Pinkerton and Cio-Cio San could meet through an online dating service; Carmen might be a pole dancer, running with a biker gang, with Don Jose as a narc. 

The possibilities are endless, and we look forward to the observations of Mr. I. Garner of Ripe, UK.

Meanwhile, in other entertainment news,  MLA Harry Bloy took the award for Best Supporting Actor at the BC Liberals leadership extravaganza. Kevin Falcon, George Abbott and Mike de Jong finished out of the running. 

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Today's political news

British Columbia now has a new Premier. 

And three cabinet ministers scrambling to get Christy's talk show gig at CKNW.

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Anti-Social Network

Recently we have been invited to join a number of what might be called on-line clubs. Usually we have managed to resist, except at times when we have been over-medicated.

Groucho Marx's line comes to mind: "I would not care to belong to a club that would have me as a member."

Years ago, in a time when there were no Smart Phones, no BlackBerrys, no e-mail, not even fax machines--a time most people under 35 find it impossible to comprehend--we shared an office with Terry Garner. One summer, Canada Post employees went on strike; there was no mail delivery.  

"Now," said Terry, "if only the phones would go out too." 


Thursday, February 24, 2011

You say Gadhafi, I say Qaddafi

The beleaguered Libyan leader issued a stern warning to Western news media today, saying "Get my name right, or feel the wrath of the Lion!"

The Globe and Mail and the Vancouver Sun spell the name "Gadhafi," the National Post spells it "Gaddafi," and the New York Times has it as "Qaddafi."

"Is it too much to ask," the longtime Libyan ruler said, "that they spell my name correctly? In the midst of hallucinogen-crazed mobs taking over our cities, must I also endure this indignity?" 

Asked the correct spelling of his name, Colonel M. appeared puzzled.

But it probably doesn't matter, for, as our wise mother used to say when viewing someone's imminent downfall and disgrace, his name will soon be mud.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Queen's Speech

It is reported that Queen Elizabeth II, following a private screening of "The King's Speech," pronounced the film "moving and enjoyable."

We may now expect to see her remarks in advertisements for the film, something on this order:

"Powerful and Gripping!" Roger Ebert

"A momentous achievement!" David Denby

"Really got to me!" Oprah Winfrey

"Moving and enjoyable." Queen Elizabeth II

"King's Speech" producer Harvey Weinstein, asked if he thought the Queen's endorsement would help secure an Oscar for him, replied "Oscar? Hell, I expect a knighthood!"

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Still Hearing George Shearing

Jazz musicians have their own ways of saying someone has departed this world. They say "Lester left town" or "Max went on the road" or "Al caught the last bus."

On Valentine's Day, George Shearing caught the last bus. For thoughts on George Shearing, we turn to the Old Disc Jockey.

"I first heard Shearing on 'Just Jazz,' a CKCK Regina program led by Jack Pollard and Gren Marsh. It was 1949, and the recording was 'September in the Rain,' by the just formed George Shearing Quintet: Margie Hyams, vibes; Chuck Wayne, guitar; John Levy, bass; the great Denzil DeCosta Best, drums; Shearing, piano. 

"No one had ever heard anything like it. It was a mesmerizing sound, incredibly tight, intense but unhurried, piano, vibes and guitar in unison, the steady pulse of the bass, and the whisper of brushes. It, and the quintet, were an instant hit. (Today's Trivia Question #1: what was on the flip side of that 1949 78?)

"The commercial success of the Shearing sound kept the quintet, with changes in personnel but not instrumentation, going for almost thirty years. Way too long for Shearing, 'The last five years,' he said, 'I played on automatic pilot. I could do the whole show in my sleep.'

"Shearing had much more to do, in different ways. He recorded a series of piano-and-bass duets with Brian Torff, Don Thompson and Neil Swainson. He accompanied a score of singers, including Peggy Lee, Billy Eckstine, Ernestine Anderson, Mel Torme, Teddi King and Carmen Macrae. He recorded a set of songs with Nat Cole. The album was titled 'Nat Sings, Shearing Swings.' I wished they had switched places for the second half, with Nat at the piano and Shearing singing.

"Because Shearing could sing, in a soft, husky voice. Particularly affecting is his recording of 'The Real Thing,' the Gerry Mulligan-Mel Torme song, on one of his albums with Brian Torff.

"And he did other interesting things. He composed settings for a number of Shakespearean verses; he recorded an album of Cole Porter songs with Barry Tuckwell, the Australian French horn virtuoso; he amused himself doing pastiches of classical works and dead-on impressions of other pianists; and he performed on 'Reunion' with Stephane Grappelli, with whom he had played as a teenager in WWII London. (Also in WWII London, he met his first wife, Trixie, in an air raid shelter during the Blitz. He later composed a piece he called 'How's Trix?' He liked to say he had composed three hundred songs, of which two hundred and ninety-nine had gone from relative obscurity to total oblivion. However, he could have lived comfortably forever on the royalties from the other one: 'Lullaby of Birdland.')

"Trivia Question #2: What other instrument did Shearing play?

"He traveled a lot. Some of us remember a high energy evening at Isy's in Vancouver when the quintet was augmented by percussionist Armando Peraza. Diana Krall opened for him at the Orpheum, in a Vancouver Jazz Festival appearance. Don Thompson even persuaded him to go to Powell River for a community music festival. 

"Shearing did reassemble the quintet voicing from time to time. There was a fine run in New York that included Don Thompson, this time on vibes, Neil Swainson on bass, and Reg Shwager on guitar. Plus a drummer whose name I will remember immediately after posting this. And there was one more quintet CD, with a clever cover: five dogs, of different breeds, in a row, with the lead canine--an Irish setter--wearing dark glasses.

"Shearing had a puckish and slightly rude sense of humor, in the English music hall tradition. Introducing a Brian Torff piece called 'High and Inside,' he said, 'The title puzzled me. Because, of course, I am a cricket fan.'

"His great influence, at the beginning, was Teddy Wilson, the pianist long associated with Benny Goodman. In his recording of 'I Can't Get Started,' Shearing sang

'When I first met Benny G.
 He said 'Hi, Teddy' to me.'

"On a long ago late night show, I used a Shearing Quintet recording of 'When Your Lover Has Gone' as a signoff theme. Leaning close to the microphone, I would whisper, in my best teenage baritone, 'Your lover is going now.' 

"And I will always remember going into the Texan Cafe for coffee after signoff, dropping a nickel in the jukebox, and hearing a Shearing trio recording of 'So Rare.'

"George Shearing. We're still hearing George Shearing. We will always be hearing George Shearing."

Answer to Trivia Question #1: "Conception," a Shearing original.

Answer to Trivia Question #2: The accordion.

 

Saturday, February 19, 2011

...and in other news

Canadian travelers were incensed by the news that the United States may impose a $5.50 entry fee on those arriving by air or sea. President Obama responded, saying, "If they think getting to the US is expensive, wait till they discover what it will cost them to get out."

In other news, it was reported that foreign agencies have infiltrated the federal government's computer system. It is now feared that foreign agencies, or possibly aliens, also may have infiltrated senior government leaders' brains.  

Friday, February 18, 2011

Hansard--Uncut! Uncensored!

MPs entering chamber:  Mutter, mutter, rhubarb, rhubarb.

The Hon. Jack Layton:  We detect a heavy perfume arising from the government benches.  Is that Oda Cologne?

Some Honorable Members:  Ha ha! Smart crack, Jack. Crackerjack! 

Other Honorable Members:  Boo, hiss, braaack!

Speaker of the House: May I remind the Honorable Member that bad puns are frowned upon in this House?

The Hon. Bob Rae: I thought this government was vigorously opposed to pun control.

Some Honorable Members: Ha ha! Good job, Bob!

Other Honorable Members: Braaack!

The Hon. Michael Ignatieff: Mr. Speaker, now that we have been treated to a Liberal dose of humor--ha ha--may we return to the pressing issue at hand? I refer, of course, to the "not" in the document emerging from Minister Oda's office. When will these questions be answered? Will the question of "not" go for naught? Ha ha.

Many Honorable Members: Groan. 

The Hon. Michael Ignatieff: Let's, as they say, cut to the chase. Mr. Speaker, will the Prime Minister once and for all stop evading the issue and address the issue? Does he, in fact, recognize the seriousness of the issue?

Prime Minister Harper: Mr. Speaker, I will be pleased to address the issue. John, give me a downbeat. Here we go, Mr. Speaker: 
                   
"Issue is or issue ain't my baby? 
         Way you acting lately I don't know."  

The Honorable John Baird: There you have it, Mr. Speaker--the reason our Prime Minister is known as the Bieber of the boomers!

Many Honorable Members: Braaack! 

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Mrs. Watson puts computer winnings in jeopardy

One day after Watson, the IBM master brain computer, won $1 million in the Jeopardy! challenge, Watson's wife, Winona, has petitioned a Burbank CA court to have all but 38 cents awarded to her for spousal and child support.

"I've loved him since he was just a pocket calculator," said a tearful Mrs. Watson. "Now, because he sees me as a big old mainframe, he has deserted me and run off with a sexy young laptop named Tammy.  

"And what about the children" she continued.  "What about our twenty-three little iPods and iPads? How can I keep them supplied with apps?"

Judge Googly is expected to hand down a ruling today.  Meanwhile, Watson was asked how he feels. "See this IBM logo?" he said. "Today it stands for I Be Mortified."

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Haggis/New Yorker Brouhaha

A profile of writer/director Paul Haggis in the current issue of The New Yorker has caused distress among Hollywood's Scientology adherents. In the article, Haggis goes public with reasons for his resignation from the Scientology movement. He concludes by saying, somewhat ruefully, "I was in a cult for thirty-four years. Everyone else could see it. I don't know why I couldn't."  

The Pointless Digressions crew is not taking sides in this; at least, not while Tom Cruise is in town. But it did lead us to think of why people are drawn to belief systems, faith practices, political movements, guiding philosophies. It is a need to find meaning and direction in their lives. Even skeptics find comfort in the Hitchens-Dawkins School of Non-Belief.

California, and Hollywood, have always seemed particularly vulnerable to belief systems others may find curious. So, for the last word on this, we turn to that fabled philosopher of film, W.C. Fields. "A man has to believe in something," he declared, "so I believe I'll have another drink."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Breaking News

The influential fashion magazine GQ today announced that Iranian President for Eternity Mahmoud Ahmadinejad tops its annual list of world's best dressed men. A GQ editor said, "Rarely have we seen such a distinctive and free-spirited approach to personal style, recalling the sartorial elegance of Yasser Arafat, the Cary Grant of the Middle East."

Mr. Ahmadinejad's acclaim as a fashion icon came only days after People magazine named him "sexiest man alive."  Since then, his name has been linked with those of Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock and Lady Gaga. 

In other international news, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner has said he will appear as a character witness for Sylvio Burlesconi in the Italian prime minister's April trial. "Syl is a great party guy," said the pyjama-clad publisher, "and how can you help loving someone who has burlesque in his name?" 

Meanwhile, closer to home, Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper announced that he has sent cabinet minister Bev Oda on an urgent mission to Berzerkistan.  "There's no telling," he said, "how long this assignment may take."


Monday, February 14, 2011

Follow the Leader

It was a deeply emotional day in the British Columbia legislature as MLAs gathered to bid farewell to two of the most loved political leaders since Amor de Cosmos:  outgoing premier Gordon Campbell and former NDP boss lady Carole James. 

Mary Polak led the government side in a moving medley of "Thanks for the Memory" and "We'll Meet Again."  The NDP Yellow Scarf Chorale delivered a heartfelt "So Long, It's Been Good to Know You."

An unidentified citizens group in the gallery was ushered out by security officers as they attempted to sing "Hit the Road, Jack."

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Waiting Room Reading

A friend recently sent me an article from "The Economist", a much admired English publication. I was pleased, as I usually get to read "The Economist" only in my dentist's waiting room. I used to go to another dentist, but he only had "Flare" and "Archie Comics."

Most of my perusing of periodicals takes place in waiting rooms. It goes back to reading "Police Gazette" at the barber shop. Now I read "Sports Illustrated" at my personal trainer's, "Runner's World" at the podiatrist's, and "Bon Appetit" at the weight reducing salon. One orthodontist had a subscription to "Encounter", but I found out the magazine was being funded by the CIA, and the orthodontist had installed a tiny transmitter in one of my crowns that kept broadcasting "Voice of America." 

Usually I didn't have an appointment with these medical professionals; I just liked to sit in their waiting rooms and read their magazines. If they had a coffee maker, all the better. But then the receptionists began insisting I come in for a treatment. So far I've had my teeth capped, deviated septum repaired, and a full range of Botox treatments.

I calculate that all this has cost me roughly $75,000.  But hey--look at what I've saved on magazines!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Coming Back as a Water Flea

After ten years of research, the Daphnia Genomics Consortium has concluded that the tiny water flea (Daphnia pulex) has 31,000 genes, more than any other organism tracked. Humans come in a distant second, at 23,000 genes.

What's more, not only do water fleas have more genes, they earn more money and get more dates. This has led many looking forward to reincarnation to change their intentions: they are now coming back as water fleas.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Great Day for Green Bay

...and Vince Lombardi smiled.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Tough Quotes for a Tough Game

"Football is a tough sport," said Wally Buono, the Canadian Football League coach with the most wins on his record. "You're going to take hits. You're going to get hurt."

So, as Sunday is Super Bowl day, we turn for words of gridiron wisdom from Vince Lombardi, for whom the Super Bowl trophy is named. Lombardi coached for various teams, including the New York Giants and Washington Redskins, but is best remembered as coach of the Green Bay Packers (1959-67; five league championships).

Lombardi was a most quotable guy, the kind sports writers love.  Here are two famous Lombardyisms:

"Winning isn't everything--it's the only thing."

"We didn't lose the game, we just ran out of time."

A People's Radio Network host, looking ahead to Super Bowl Sunday, said,"It doesn't matter who wins--it's all about the dip." But our crew believes the choice of Super Bowl snacks should have some relevance to the teams, in this case the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers. Residents of Green Bay, Wisconsin, have been dubbed "cheeseheads," which suggests something, but Pittsburgh 's most famous culinary exports are Klondike Bars and Heinz Ketchup. However, Pittsburgh is in the same state as Philadelphia, so, in consultation with Sports Oracle George Holgate, we have determined that the appropriate dish for Super Bowl Sunday is----Philly Cheese Steak! 

Eat hearty, and may you win big.  (Unless you just run out of time.)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Rabbit Ears

Reading recommendation to usher in the Year of the Rabbit:  John Updike's Rabbit tetralogy: "Rabbit, Run, " "Rabbit Redux," Rabbit is Rich" and "Rabbit at Rest."

"The Tale of Peter Rabbit" is okay, too.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

For all those who loved "The King's Speech"

Now, for all those who loved "The King's Speech," we proudly present "The King's Peach"!

"The King's Peach" is the heartwarming, inspirational story of a Royal Gardener, a green thumb monarch, who hopes to win a blue ribbon for his produce at the village fete. By talking gently but encouragingly to his peach tree, the King is able to produce a peach the size of a basketball.

Evildoers try to sabotage the King's entry, but they are foiled at the fete by his loyal band of elephant garlic.

Watch for "The King's Peach," coming soon to a theatre (or farmers' market) near you!