Slot Machinations

A spokesperson for the various groups intent on building a gambling casino in downtown Vancouver slightly larger than one of the Gulf Islands said today, "We challenge the assertion of medical authorities that a massive expansion of gambling venues (or, as we prefer to call them, places of wholesome family entertainment) would lead to an increase in what they term 'problem gamblers.'

"Some, it saddens me to say, see us and our friends in government as heartless vultures, interested only in profit and gain. Nothing could be further from the truth. To present a true picture of what the new casino could mean to the community, I have the great pleasure of introducing our Las Vegas consultant, Mr. 'Fredo Corleone."   

"Hey, thank ya, paisano. Let's talk foist about family entertainment. We're gonna have all our dealers wear Mickey Mouse ears. Howzat for fun? And our lovely pole dancers will perform to songs by Raffi. What could be sweeter?

"Finally, I dunno where these people get off talking about problem gamblers. What, I ask you, is a problem gambler? I'll tell you what a problem gambler is: it's a gambler who wins big. That is a serious problem.

"But we have a solution: when some fortunate stiff wins big, we have Vinnie and Guido escort him to his automobile. Many of these problem gamblers never return.

"So there you have it, Las Vancouver. Take it from 'Fredo--No worries. No problems."