Breaking (or crumbling) News

The National Hockey League today informed a Vancouver car dealership that it could not display the phrase "G* C* G* on its window, as this has now been copyrighted and is the property of the NHL.  (The Pointless Digressions legal team has advised us not to spell the words in full, for fear of a suit costing more than the Coyotes franchise.) The NHL also has acquired sole rights to "Yay, team!" and "Dee-fence!", as well as the initials NHL.  Norman Howard Lamont and Noreen Heloise Lockwood are among thousands of Canadians required to give up using their initials. Nasty Hard Luck. 

Stephen Harper and the Missus were observed watching the Royal Wedding on television, following which the Harpers raised glasses in a toast to W. and C. The glasses appeared to contain orange juice. One hoped there might be Champagne as well, but this is unlikely. (Do you remember when Abbie Hoffman and Grace Slick tried to spike Richard Nixon's White House punch with LSD?)

On the political trail, Michael Ignatieff was seen pulling on a pair of running shoes. "Hey," he said, "it worked for Mr. Rogers." Harper sniffed, "Just like him, identifying with an American kids' icon. I, on the other hand, model myself on the Friendly Giant." Mr. Harper's waistline is proof of this.

As the election campaign spins to a close, writers of Conservative TV commercials began casting about for future employment. "I guess," said one, "we can always go back to threatening chain letters and anonymous hate mail."

Political/Musical Strategies

As Jack Layton's popularity among voters continues to rise, and polls suggest that at least one of the other party leaders soon will be moving, Conservatives and Liberals are desperately seeking ways to stop the rush to the NDP.

Stephen Harper is said to be working hard to learn the lyrics to "Hit the Road, Jack." Steve is, of course, the Ray Charles of the 49th Parallel, and he will be backed by the Stevettes: Bev, Leona, and John Baird.  

Supporters of Michael ("Turn Up the Volume") Ignatieff are preparing a massed choir rendition of "Michael, Row the Vote Ashore."

Jack Layton's backers appear unconcerned, however, and continue to wow crowds from Ajax to Yellowknife with their high-velocity version of "Jumping Jack Flash."  

Saga of Canucks and Hawks

Canucks and Blackhawks--what a saga!  Will someone please call Lady Gaga!

As the Blackhawks came to town,

The fear was "Will they cut us down?"

Can we pray the fates will reverse

To overcome the Blackhawk curse?

But soon fans partied merrily

As Hank and boys took one, two, three.

Ah! But then we were rocked to our sox

As four, five, six went to the Hawks.

No one smiled, save the farrago

Who had put their money on Chicago.

Down at last it came to Seven--

Will the end be hell or heaven? 

A late-game shot from Jonathan Toevs

Eluded Luongo's brilliant saves.

And so we were in overtime,

A not entirely welcome clime;

But as fans' brows knitted in furrows

The puck landed in the glove of Burrows!

And to the fans' enormous roar,

Alex Burrows made the score!

So now, whatever may come later,

Canucks fans could not  be feeling greater.

Maugham on Politicians

Thoughts perhaps relevant to the current election campaign from "The Summing Up" by W. Somerset Maugham:

"I was often asked to houses where politics were the ruling interest. I could not discover in the eminent statesmen I met there any marked capacity. I concluded, perhaps rashly, that no great degree of intelligence was needed to rule a nation. Since then I have known in various countries a good many politicians who have attained high office. I have continued to be puzzled by what seemed to me the mediocrity of their minds. I have found them ill-informed upon the ordinary affairs of life and I have not often discovered in them either subtlety of intellect or liveliness  of imagination."  

Happy Birthday to the Bard

This is the feast day of St. George, and also the birthday, in 1564, of William Shakespeare.  It is, therefore, a day to "brush up your Shakespeare," as Cole Porter once advised us.

"Brush up your Shakespeare--start quoting him now.

 Brush up your Shakespeare, and the women you will wow.

 If you quote a few lines from Othella,

 She'll think you're a hell of a fella.

 And if you are wanting to flatter her

 Tell her what Tony told Cleopaterer."

Shakespeare also departed this world on this date, in 1616. He was a theatre guy. He knew the importance of the right entrance and exit.

Canucks Movie Night

As the Vancouver Canucks move (nervously, one fears) towards their date with destiny, it might be helpful for the team to screen a Paul Newman movie. Not "Slap Shot," though that would be okay; but the Newman film with a message is "The Hustler." In this poolroom saga, the gambler Bert (George C. Scott) detects a hidden loser within Fast Eddie Felson (Newman).

Bert:  "You happen to be about one-half loser, the other half winner."

Fast Eddie: "How do you figure that?"

Bert: "I watched you lose to a man you should of beat."

Fast Eddie: "Maybe you're right."

Bert: "I know I'm right."

Steve and the Donald

Stephen Harper warned today that if his Conservative party does not win a majority on May 2, he will throw "the biggest temper tantrum this country has ever seen."

Meanwhile, Donald Trump announced that his decision to offer himself to become President of the United States "was inspired by that great leader to the north, Steve Harper."

Harper and Trump are slated to appear together in a new reality television show: "Dueling Hairstyles."

Snake eyes!

The proposal to build a $500 million mega-casino in downtown Vancouver has been rejected, despite the last-minute performance of several executives of the BC Lottery Corporation singing "Luck Be a Lady."

Promoters of the scheme say they will now move on to other venues. Alonzo Schlitz, spokesperson for the group, said, "Our plan is to install slot machines in pre-schools throughout the Metro Vancouver area. This will provide kiddies with valuable instruction in mathematics and risk calculation."

Still under discussion is a concept to place roulette wheels in long-term care facilities under the slogan "What Have You Got to Lose?"  

78s, 45s, 33-1/3s

Today is International Record Store Day. There is a large prize (a boxed Ernest Tubb set) if you can actually find a record store.

Our favorite record retailer now is Irv Kupelow, whose store is in the trunk of his 1978 Bel-Air. Call Irv for good deals on bootleg recordings of Charlie Parker, Bob Dylan and Frank Zappa. 

His slogan: "For Atlantic to Verve, just call Irv." 

Class Notes, 1960

Stevie (Der Schnozz) Harper: Wears Elton John shades and likes to play piano. Very popular every time he brings his dad's car to school. Predicted future: inventor of Twinkies.

Mikey (McEyebrows) Ignatieff: Gangly guy whose pants are never long enough. Knows a lot of polysyllabic words (howzat, Mike?). Predicted future: rocket scientist.

Jacko (Jack in the Box) Layton: Tough little jock; played big game with leg in cast. Favorite saying: "Put me in, Coach!" Predicted future: CFL referee.

Gilles ("in for ze kill") Duceppes: Transfer student with big hair; does wicked impressions. Predicted future: reality show host. 

Elizabeth (Betty Boop) May: A+ student and jitterbug phenom. Predicted future: investigative reporter going undercover as exotic dancer; intelligence agent; founder of feminist mag.

Watch for the movie, coming May 2 to a polling station near you.

Results of the Great Debate

Immediately following the two-hour Anglophone tag team match of Messrs. Harper, Layton, Ignatieff and Duceppe, the Pointless Digressions team undertook its independent survey of Canadians (error of plus or minus 95). Results follow:

Best knotted necktie: Stephen Harper.

Best shirt: Michael Ignatieff.

Best cut suit: Jack Layton.

Best monochromatic look (suit, tie, hair): Gilles Duceppe.

Best hair: Gilles Duceppe.

Best eyebrows: Michael Ignatieff.

Best moustache: Jack Layton.

Best mad dog attack: Gilles Duceppe.

Best evasive maneuvers: Stephen Harper.

Best flapping hand gestures: Stephen Harper.

Best personal stories: Tie: Michael Ignatieff ("My father came from Russia" and Jack Layton "My mother-in-law came from Hong Kong.")

Best gravelly voice: Michael Ignatieff.

Best Yves Montand impression: Gilles Duceppe.

Best overall performance: Moderator Steve Paikin.

Person you would most like to see as Prime Minister of Canada: Lester B. Pearson.

Hockey or Hype?

The shadowy Broadcast Consortium finally has made a right decision: the French language debate between federal political party leaders will be moved, so that it does not conflict with the first playoff game between the Montreal Canadiens and the Boston Bruins.

There is movement, as well, to switch the English language debate so that it does not air at the same time as a re-run of "Gilligan's Island," in which there is considerably more viewer interest.

"I personally," said Stephen Harper, "having just read the Auditor General's report on our G8 conference funding, would much prefer to watch another episode of 'Gilligan's Island.' Or perhaps send the Auditor General to 'Gilligan's Island'." 

For Sale: Gazebo, like new.

Sackbut alert

Here we are, almost at the end of International Trombone Week, and we have not paid homage to this noble instrument, descendant of the 15th century sackbut, and essential in festivities from Preservation Hall to Buckingham Palace.

We'll just stand back, and name some of the trombone's great performers: Jack Teagarden ("Big T"), J.C. Higginbotham, Kid Ory, Bill Harris, Tommy Dorsey, Bob Brookmeyer, J.J. Johnson, Kai Winding, Frank Rosolino, Ian McDougall, Vic Dickenson, Frank Rehak, Al Grey, Ted Heath, Tricky Joe Nanton, Lawrence Brown, Trummy Young, Slide Hampton, Rob McConnell, Dicky Wells, Juan Tizol, Tyree Glenn, Carse Sneddon (we know, his main instrument was the trumpet, but he did play trombone, whenever Fraser MacPherson persuaded him to), and Brian Harding.

It's their week. Buy a trombone player a drink.  

Please welcome our new Prime Minister

Surveys indicate that none of the politicians hoping to become Canada's next Grand Fromage meets voter expectations. Their approval ratings fall somewhat short of Muammar Qaddafi's. Pointless Digressions has undertaken to conduct its own poll, to determine who Canadians would really like to see as their next Prime Minister. 

#1: The Sedin twins.

#2: Rick Mercer.

#3: Justin Bieber (response of Canadians too young to vote).

#4: Keith Jarrett (response of jazz fans who don't care that Jarrett is an American).

#5: Wile E. Coyote.

Many of those surveyed chose long dead Prime Ministers. One respondent said, "They can't do us any harm."

Tune in for Tuesday's leaders' debate. Wile E. Coyote is expected to be at the table.

What's in a name?

In print media, Conservatives are often called "Tories" and Liberals referred to as "Grits," all of which seems drearily old-fashioned, but that is not the point of this item. Our Etymological Department thought it instructive to report on the origins of both terms. 

"Tory," it was found, derives from the Old Irish "toruighe," meaning "a robber." At least, that's what it meant in 1566.  

"Grit" is much younger, dating from the 19th century when a Nova Scotia/New Brunswick political movement called the Clear Grit Party was formed. "Clear Grit" was meant to indicate the real thing, the absence of fakery.

Previously, Liberals were often dubbed "Whigs." This may have come from the Scottish "whiggamore," and was used to describe horse thieves and cattle rustlers.

Make of these word origins what you will. We're off for tea with Elizabeth May.

Circumstantial Evidence

News item: "Circumcision best left for prepubescence."

Excited pre-teens, hearing this news, began lining up before dawn at clinics throughout the nation, hoping to be among the first to experience the surgical procedure. 

Asked for comments, one prepubescent youth said, "It's cool! Everyone wants one!" Another, clad in an Archie and Jughead tee-shirt, said, "Awesome, man! Now I'll no longer feel out of it in the shower after gym class!"

One walk-in clinic, in a bid to attract clients, posted a sign reading "Don't be a jerk--Get a circ!"

Prepubescent circumcision has become a new pre-teen trend. Now watching with interest, sensing a new marketing opportunity, are body piercing parlors.  

Keep Fit with Steve!

We thought we might be finished with political news for a day or two, but then we were greeted by another major announcement from the Conservative grande fromage.  Stephen Harper has pledged the country to a new fitness campaign, once he is pronounced Prime Minister Until the Rapture.

This is excellent news, for surely no one is better able to bring Canadians to a new level of fitness than Iron Man Steve. He and John Baird, with their personal trainer, Bev Oda, will be out there burning up the track, pressing those weights, setting new standards for strength and endurance. 

Fellow Canadians, get ready to suit up! As Ace Percival of "Sports College" used to say, "Keep fit! Live clean! Play fair!" and, says Steve, "Get rid of that Coalition flab! Vote Conservative!"

The Importance of Punctuation

The Columbia Journalism Review has a back-page feature called The Lower Case, which showcases newspaper headlines that seem to mean something other than was intended. Here is an example, from the current issue:

"Church member donates organ to St. Aloysius"

That came from The Advocate in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. And here's one from the Baltimore Sun:

"Pedestrian deaths largely flat in U.S."

The Oregonian has this:

"Woodburn Police looking for vulnerable woman" 

But our favorite, supplied to us by alumni of The Pulse, a Vancouver pop-rock group of distinction, is this, from Tails, a magazine for pet fanciers:

"Rachel Rae finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog"