Drinking with Hemingway

The current issue of Vanity Fair has an article by A. Scott Berg titled "The Hunt for Hemingway." In it we learn that Hemingway's unknown correspondence is to be published (a collection called "Selected Letters" came out in 1981). What remains is, we are told, enough to fill sixteen volumes, which will be released over the next twenty years.

The irony of this is that Hemingway made very clear his wish not to have his letters published. Nor did he want unpublished material or works in progress to be made public, but that has never stopped those who might profit from their publication.

Berg writes that more than 3,000 documents have been found in Hemingway's Cuban residence, Finca Vigia. Hem, if you really didn't want it published, you should have burned the stuff. 

Of more practical value in the Vanity Fair piece is the listing of the contents of Hemingway's Finca Vigia bar: Schweppes Indian Tonic, Gordon's gin, Old Forester bourbon, Campari, Bacardi rum, and El Copey Agua Mineral.

When the letters come out, Hemingway fans will read them. We'll feel guilty, but we'll read them. Some Old Forester bourbon may ease the guilt.

Rioters promise advance information next time

Vancouver Police Chief Jim Chu has defended his force's failure to prevent the post-Stanley Cup riot, saying the police were not given advance information that a riot was to take place. 

Officials of Riots 'r' Us have apologized, and say that the next time a riot is planned, they will issue a news release. For continuing information, Chief Chu and other interested parties are directed to civildisobedience.com.

On the international stage, Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the United Nations assembly today and railed at GQ magazine for again failing to make its Top Ten Best Dressed list.

More Leaked Photos!

Our hi-tech wizard, Melville Rimster, reports more leaked photos are creating uproar in Celluloid City!

This past week, fans were shocked at the release of photographs of Scarlet Johansson with a poorly positioned bath towel. The purloined pics apparently were obtained by a person hacking into the actress's cell phone. A spokesperson for Ms. Johansson said, "At first we were taken aback, but realized later that the photographs send a strong message to impressionable youth about regular bathing."  

Now the film world has been rocked by the release of intimate photographs of Ma and Pa Kettle! The racy images depict Ma in her peekaboo flannel nightie and Pa in his Burt Reynolds style plum-colored long-johns.

The photographs were hacked from the Kettles' hand-cranked wall phone, which is still on the party line. "And," says our informant, "these folks really know how to party."

Hollywood is now bracing itself for the threatened release of yet more inside photographs--this time of Lassie and Trigger!  

Making the list--badly dressed, but happy

Always pleased to find something easily plagiarized, we turn to a fellow blogger to learn about the ten happiest toilers. The top four, guaranteed to keep one in a constant state of euphoria, are clergy persons, firefighters, physiotherapists, and authors.

We have tracked down the man said to be the happiest person on earth. He is Archdeacon Roland J. Canticle, Anglican clergyman, volunteer firefighter, trained masseur, and author of "Hose and Ladder to Salvation." 

Contacted by our staff, Archdeacon Canticle, bouncing on the rectory trampoline, said, "I am so happy I worry that Heaven may be a letdown." The Venerable Roland was immediately knocked off the trampoline by a lightning bolt, but he called out, "I'm still happy!"

The other list of note today is a ranking of the worst-dressed cities in the world. Vancouver comes in at #3. Our Fashion Editor, Quincy Malaprop, takes great umbrage at this. 

"Some," he said, "may fail sartorially, but I believe I have set the standard for elegance in this natty burg." As he spoke, Quincy was wearing a suit tailored from gerbil suede over a Vancouver riot jersey and a classic necktie that lights up in the dark and says "Kiss Me Quick."    

Greetings, Mr. Benchley

September 15 was the birth date of Robert Benchley, writer, wit, actor, Algonquin Roundtable member, hanger-out with Dorothy Parker.

He said, "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."

Benchley's classic short films turn up occasionally on Turner Classic Movies, and he can often be seen providing nuggets of wit as a supporting player in 1940s comedies. Benchley himself was played in "Mrs. Parker and the Wicked Circle" by Campbell Scott, who looks nothing like the short, plump, moustachioed writer, but pulled off Benchley's routines with great aplomb.

Our favorite Benchley story: he was leaving a nightclub slightly the worse for wear and saw a uniformed man he assumed to be the doorman. He asked him to call a cab. The heavily gold-braided gentleman turned indignantly and said, "Sir, I will have you know I am an admiral in the United States Navy." "In that case," said Benchley, "call me a battleship."

   

3-Day Marathon--the Aftermath

Tattered survivors of the 2011 3-Day Novel Contest have begun to straggle in. It is a sorry sight, as the literary marathoners drag themselves across the finish line.

Vernon ("Vermin") Klipnagel said, "I was doing good until I was tripped up by a dangling participle."

"You mean you were doing well," said Agatha Hemlock-Smythe.

"Everyone's a #*#&* editor," said Vernon.

"The syntax was hell out there," gasped Rodney Riverton. "I was thrown by a misplaced modifier."

"How many pages did you complete?" asked Agatha.

"Three," said Rodney. "Topped my record for 2010."

"Not exactly 'War and Peace'," snickered Willis Snively.

"No comparison," said Rodney. "Tolstoy had a whole week to write that."

"Well, that's it," said Vernon, rubbing Tiger Balm on an intransigent intransitive. "I'm done, through, never again."

"Never again?" said Agatha.

"Well," said Vernon, "at least not until Labor Day 2012." 

3-Day Novel Triathlon

This is the weekend--the thirty-fourth weekend--for the 3-Day Novel Contest.  Entrants are required to write a novel in 72 hours, from 12:01 a.m. September 3 to 11:59 p.m. September 5.

Many writers have been in training for months for the annnual Literary Triathlon.  Burgess Vanderwort says, "I read the complete works of Anthony Trollope twice and did weight-training with the novels of James Michener. I am now sharpening one hundred H2B pencils to a lethal point." 

Edith Buglethorpe says, "I followed the advice of my personal trainer and started gradually, writing words of one syllable.  I worked up to sentences, then paragraphs, but hit the wall at the novella. But now, with a keg of Faulkner bourbon and an oxygen tank beside me, I'm ready to go."  

3-Day contestants are free to write wherever they wish.  Some write in tree houses, some in bus depots, some in public rest rooms.  Some have taken on unusual challenges. Farley Wotherspoon, for example, has elected to write his novel in rhymed couplets. Amos Dooville plans to write his backward, in the manner of Leonardo da Vinci's mirror writing. "I may not win," he says, "but the judges will remember me."

We wish them all luck. Load up on the benzedrine and industrial strength coffee, and get your call in to Muses 'R Us.