"May I suggest a Diet Coke?"

Considering imposing punitive tariffs on French wines, US President Donald Trump said, "I've always liked American wines better than French wines, even though I don't drink wine."

This indicates a career possibility for Trump if he loses the 2020 election: sommelier at a KFC outlet.

Victory for Bad Hair

The rise of Boris Johnson to 10 Downing Street is further proof (Trump, Kim Jong-Un) that a politician still can triumph, even if every day is a bad hair day.

Mary of Magdala. And Marseilles.

July 22 is the feast day of St. Mary Magdalene, a Biblical figure of continuing fascination and mystery.

She was called Magdalene because she was from the fishing village of Magdala, on the western shore of the Sea of Galilee. It was said that Jesus expelled seven demons from her, but no one knows what these demons represented. It is known that she traveled with Jesus and the Apostles, and that she was the first person to encounter Jesus after his resurrection.

Jim Christy told of the legend that she later went to sea, and after months of sailing, landed at what is now Marseilles. "She is," Christy wrote, "considered the founder and saint of that seafaring town."

And, he added, suggesting that a statue of Mary Magdalene be placed on Vancouver's waterfront, "She could be ours."

The Sorrows of Reilly

"The Life of Riley" has long been a synonym for luck and luxury, and for a while, there was a comic radio show with that title. But the life of Reilly on the football field has been miserable. According to sports commentators and their backups keeping tabs, the BC Lions quarterback has endured something between eighty and one hundred pressures (i.e., tackle rushes) and twenty sacks (ouch!) in the first five games of the season. Seeing Reilly pull himself up out of one more 800 pound pile, you know he is thinking of a Duke Ellington number: "What Am I Here For?"

And what, indeed? How could his coach send him back in for the last ninety seconds of a game that was clearly lost to be battered once more? Or maybe Reilly wanted to go back. There's no business like show business.

We hope the rest of the season brings a better life for Reilly.

--Slap Maxwell.

Sending Trump Back

US President Donald Trump has called for a quartet of Congresswomen to "go back to where they came from." This has caused a number of persons to demand that Trump go back to where he came from--which, in his case, is the borough of Queens.

Residents of Queens, however vigorously oppose the idea. "We thought we'd gotten him out of here," said Eustace Harley, a Queens dry cleaner. Violet Bloom, a Queens housewife, said, "Without Trump, this is a better place."

The President is not unwelcome everywhere. If things don't go his way in the 2020 election, "We would be pleased to welcome him," said Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte.

Cracking the Purple Ceiling

Delegates to the first General Synod of the Anglican Church of Canada in 1893, including New Westminster's Bishop Acton Windyer Sillitoe, would not have believed it if they had been told that 126 years later, a woman would be elected Primate.

But that is what happened Saturday at Christ Church Cathedral in Vancouver, when Bishop Linda Nicholls of Toronto was chosen. And it is significant that second place went to Jane Alexander of Edmonton. Among the five nominees, only the two women carried large blocks of voters through four ballots.

Ms. Nicholls--who now becomes Archbishop Nicholls--is not the first woman to lead a church denomination: in 2006, Katharine Jefferts Schori was elected presiding bishop of the Episcopal Church in the United States, and the United Church of Canada has had more than one female chief executive. But Saturday's vote was remarkable for a church which would not even ordain women as priests until 1976.

Not all of Saturday's decisions were as satisfying. Although priests and lay delegates voted by a large majority to endorse the marriage of same sex couples, the motion failed to get the support required from two-thirds of the bishops. This will not prevent dioceses that already sanction the ceremony from continuing to do so, but it was, nonetheless, disheartening.

Still, with the election of a woman as primate and the overwhelming support of most delegates for same-sex marriages, the Anglican Church of Canada continues to move forward in ways the bishops of 1893 never could have imagined.

Catching Up, Waving Farewell

Once again, the near peerless Mike Reilly was flattened like a pancake by an opposing squad's pass rush. Reilly may be, as many sportswriters have noted, tough as a two-dollar steak, but his expression, as he pulled himself out of another pileup, clearly showed frustration. He must have been wondering if his offensive line, supposedly there to protect him, was in fact receiving signals from a foreign power.

In even less upbeat sports news, Jim Bouton has been sent to the dugout of eternity. Bouton, author of the controversial but highly regarded "Ball Four," was eighty years old. With luck, you might be able to catch a screening of Robert Altman's film of Raymond Chandler's "The Long Goodbye," in which Bouton, a buddy of star Elliott Gould, played the key role of the charming and mysterious Terry Lennox.

Finally, we said farewell this week to Rip Torn."Rip" wasn't his straight name, but wouldn't someone christened Elmore Rual prefer Rip? Not surprisingly, several fellow actors tweeted "R.I.P. Rip." What was surprising was that in the many accounts of his career, none mentioned what may have been his best film: "Payday," directed by Daryl Duke, in which he played a brilliant and destructive country singer in the style of Hank Williams.

Somewhere, perhaps, all these large personalities will get together. Except for Reilly, who, we hope, will get a tougher O line and play for many a season more.

--Slap Maxwell.

UK Ambassador to US appointed

A spokesman for the British Foreign Office announced today that a new Ambassador to the United States has been appointed, following the resignation of Sir Kim Darroch.

The spokesman said that Prime Minister Theresa May had personally approached two possible successors to the post: Ricky Gervais and Adele. Unfortunately, prior commitments prevented them from accepting.

Now, however, a new Ambassador is in place, ready to take up his position in Washington. The Foreign Office spokesman said, "We believe President Trump will be pleased to welcome our government's distinguished representative: Mr. Bean."

Viva FIFA! (Or at least the Us World Cup team)

The most exciting soccer player we know
Has to be Megan Rapinoe.
We do admire Christine Sinclair,
But she lack's Pinoe's lavender hair.
We also think Rapinoe's slick
For standing (or kneeling) with Colin Kaepernick.
And she gave Donald Trump one more reason to grouse
When she said she would not go to "the %#$@^% White House."
So let us toast, with Napa vino,
World Cup star Megan Rapinoe!

--Slap Maxwell, Locker Room Poet Laureate.

Yankee Doodle and other Dandys

We hope you saved some sparklers and Roman candles from Canada Day to light up the sky on the Glorious Fourth.

And we hope you're set to celebrate with grilled burgers and loaded hotdogs, corn on the cob and fried chicken, a chilled brew, and perhaps a bourbon Old Fashioned. For dessert, consider this: a Fourth of July cake, created by Erin McDowell, iced and decorated to represent the US flag, with blueberries as stars and raspberries as stripes.

The two names that come to mind (our mind, anyway) on this day are Louis Armstrong and George M. Cohan, both of whom claimed to have been born on the Fourth of July. Which may not be entirely  accurate, but as the newspaper editor says in "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance," "When the legend becomes fact, print the legend."

We can't imagine better music for the day than the recordings made between 1926 and 1929 by Louis Armstrong's Hot Five and Hot Seven, groups that included Kid Ory, Johnny Dodds, Zutty Singleton, Lil Hardin Armstrong, and even Earl Hines. Sip that Old Fashioned and listen to "Struttin' with Some Barbecue."

Cohan wrote "Yankee Doodle Dandy," and you can see James Cagney playing him on film, doing his own fine struttin'. If you don't want to sit through the full movie, turn to YouTube to see Cagney dance, in a way no one else ever has.

Then you, too, will be ready to sing:

"I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy,
 Yankee Doodle do or die,
 A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam,
 Born on the Fourth of July."

A glorious Fourth to all, and especially those linked forever to Bad Axe, Michigan.