Silly Season Officially Opened in USA

Michele Bachman, described by Andy Borowitz as the candidate preferred by Republicans who find Sarah Palin "too cerebral," has won the Iowa Straw Poll, a fundraising nonevent that should be taken about as seriously, writes The New Yorker's Ryan Lizza, as a corn on the cob eating contest.

(You can tell it's a slow day here when the best lines are swiped from other writers.)

Meanwhile, it is reported that Paul Ryan, the House of Representatives' Republican budget prestidigitator, is a disciple of Ayn Rand, author of "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged." There is good news and bad news here. The good news is that one of the Tea Party heroes can read. The bad news is what he is reading.

A belief that there is something profound or literary in these novels is an adolescent condition like acne, which in most people is a temporary affliction. Ryan, however, has ordered his staff to read Rand's books. Surely there is something in the US labor code that forbids this.

And don't tell Stephen Harper, or soon all the Conservative MPs will have to read "The Wit and Wisdom of Preston Manning."

Watermelon Warning

Saskatchewan Roughriders fans, arriving at Vancouver's Empire Field last weekend, were informed that their watermelon helmets--headgear de rigueur for Roughies fans--were not allowed. Security staff explained that watermelons could become dangerous projectiles. 

Were this so, fans in Regina tonight, watching their team blow two sure touchdown chances within millimetres of the goal, then losing 45-28 to the Calgary Stampeders, might have been tempted to hurl their watermelons at the sputtering Green Machine. 

And this just in: CSIS reports that Iran may be stockpiling watermelons.  

The Harper Bossa Nova

Stephen Harper returns to Ottawa from Sao Paulo, bringing with him many memories, an enthusiasm for the bossa nova, and Carmen Miranda hats for Bev Oda, Leona Aglukkaq and John Baird.

"It was a successful trade mission to this new economic superpower," said a spokesman for the Prime Minister, "and everything went well, after that first address to Brazilian leaders." Mr. Harper had opened his remarks by saying, "I'm delighted to be in Brazil, where the nuts come from." The Prime Minister was surprised by his audience's reaction. "Can't understand it," he said. "Bob Rae told me they'd love the line." 

Later this week, Conservative Party leaders are expected to be entertained at a Brazilian Night Fiesta, where they will be served deep-fried plantains and non-alcoholic daiquiris, and the Prime Minister will sing a number of Brazilian-inspired songs, including "The Big White Dude from Ipanema," "One Vote Samba" and "They've Got an Awful Lot of Pesos in Brazil." 

Golf Dreams

"Where is human nature so weak as in a bookstore?" This memorable line, by Henry Ward Beecher, is on a bookmark from Jane Ross Books in White Rock, a shop we hope is still there.  It was in Jane Ross Books that our literary and golf editor acquired "Golf Dreams" by John Updike, a collection of wonderful pieces, fiction and nonfiction, by the extraordinarily prolific writer.  

"Golf Dreams" includes. among much else, the short story "Farrell's Caddie," recommended to all, even those who think a nine iron is something used to press pants.

One of our team sent a copy of "Golf Dreams" to Canon R.S.L. McAdam, his youthful spiritual mentor, and a dedicated golfer still playing in seniors tournaments in his nineties. There was no response, and our guy thought perhaps it had been unwise to send Updike to a conventional clergyman. You might say he had bogeyed his shot. 

But do check out "Golf Dreams." And meet us for a drink at the nineteenth hole.

Having the Last Word

Famous and not so famous last words:

Edmund Beckett Denison, later Lord Grimthorpe, designer of London's Big Ben: "We are low on marmalade."

Inscription on Frank Sinatra's tombstone: "The Best is Yet to Come."

We trust that Frank is right, and that Lord Grimthorpe will have an endless supply of marmalade. 

Happy Birthday to the Pres.

Barrack Obama turns fifty today. "What a week," said the US President. "First I have to deal with the debt crisis, and now I get the midlife crisis."

The horoscope reading for President Obama (a Leo) is reassuring. According to the stars "an updated image will boost your confidence, and good things will happen if you strive for your goals. Your lucky numbers are 8, 14, 20, 22, 29, 37 and 42." "I am hoping," said the Pres, "for 2012 to be lucky."

Vice-President Joe Biden burst into the oval office carrying a basketball covered with penuche frosting and sang out, "Happy birthday, Mr. President! In your honor, I have organized a tea party!"

"Thanks, Joe," said the President. reaching for a Nicorette. "But skip the Tea Party."

Bok Choy Day

August 1 was established as a provincial holiday in 1974 under the government of Dave Barrett. It was designated as "BC Day," BC standing for "Barrett's Choice." Later, under Gordon Campbell, BC Day became known as "Big Cheese Day." And, said Premiere Campbell, "I am the Big Cheese."

Residents of Richmond, however, know that the designation "BC" really stand for Bok Choy. Get that Mongolian Hot Pot going, and stir in lots of bok choy! (Bad Chicken Day has been scratched.)