The Urge to Propose

This is St. Valentine's Day, when many a man feels the compulsion to kneel and propose wedlock.

Let us hope they fare better than Edward Gibbon, author "The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire." Gibbon, on a terrace with Lady Elizabeth Foster, dropped to his knees and asked her to marry. Lady Elizabeth declined, and said, "I bid you to rise." Unfortunately, the roly-poly Gibbon found he could not. 

It is not recorded how the portly historian eventually was moved. Perhaps by a horse-drawn cart, the 18th century equivalent of a tow truck. 

China/Canada Trade Agreement

Prime Minister Stephen Harper capped his successful China venture by announcing a major trade agreement, signaling, he said, "a new spirit of friendship between our two great nations. As for our former friend in the White House, I just want to say nyah nyah nyah." 

Pressed for details regarding the historic China/Canada trade, he said, "It's a win-win for both sides. They are sending us two giant pandas. We are trading them John Baird and Bev Oda."

A spokesman for the pandas said "We were hoping for Feist and Rex Murphy, but we'll take what we can get."

What the Dickens!

February 7 marked the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Dickens. To celebrate, several of his creations gathered at Mr. Pickwick's club for a pint and a pipe.

Everyone had great expectations for the party, and it was indeed grand. Oliver Twist and Little Nell sang a duet, Tiny Tim did a tap dance, Martin Chuzzlewit and Barnaby Rudge played darts, Sidney Carton proposed a toast, and Ebenezer Scrooge said he would stand drinks for all. 

However, when the bill came around, Scrooge found his pocket had been picked. He had, he remembered, been sitting beside the Artful Dodger.  

Mahmoud vs. Bart

The government of Iran has banned the Simpsons. Homer, Bart and company have been declared unacceptable by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad & Co. for their blatant presentation of the American way of life.

Spiderman and Superman are okay with Mahmoud and the Mullahs (sounds like a 1960s rock group) because they appear to be supernatural forces aiding humanity.

No word so far on Blondie, Garfield or Rex Morgan, M.D.

Wonder Woman, however, is definitely out. It is believed that the sight of the super heroine, minus bhurka, could lead, among young Iranian men, to an uprising.   

Post-Super Bowl Comfort for the Patriots

Coach Belichick and QB Tom Brady of the New England Patriots, undoubtedly sore after their four-point loss to the New York Giants, might take comfort from the words of the legendary Vince Lombardi (for whom the Super Bowl trophy is named).

Coach Lombardi said, "We never lost a game. We just ran out of time."

The Hundred-Buck Burger

A Vancouver eatery named Dougiedog has created what the market has long demanded: the $100 burger. 

This culinary breakthrough, the fast food equivalent of landing on Mars, begins with a foot-long bratwurst doused with a Cognac that goes for $400 a shot. We presume the dog gets an eye-drop. Added to the century-note dog are lobster and truffle oil. Maybe foie gras as well--we lost track after the Cognac.

This may herald an upward trend throughout the old-fashioned comfort food chain. Expect soon to see the $75 mac and cheese, the $90 tuna noodle casserole, the $110 poutine, the vintage root beer float at $500 a shot.

Watch for the Pointless Digressions food cart on a corner near you. All major credit cards accepted. 

Feboobery

We have arrived at the month radio announcers dread: February. 

The reason: they find it difficult to pronounce. Such multi-syllabic challenges as Fatareh Motamed-Aria, anthropocentrism, and Skwxwu7mesh roll trippingly off their golden tongues, but February puts them into a cold sweat. The word comes out as Feboobery, Fooberry and Ferooery. 

Why, they lament, is this month so named? Why not a simple name like May or June? Answer: February was the month of purification among the ancient Romans, who, as we all know, badly needed purifying. The month takes its name from the Latin word "februo," meaning "I purify by sacrifice."   

The Wise Old Disc Jockey has these words of comfort for tongue-tied announcers: "If February comes, can March be far behind?"