Goldfish Chronicles IV

"Thanks for leaving the TV on," said Ralph, as he turned a few laps in the bowl.

"Yes, it was very entertaining," said Minerva. "We especially enjoyed David Suzuki."

"I just wish," said Ralph, circling the coral castle, "we could tune out the commercials. Some of them are very upsetting."

"Especially," said Minerva, "that one for filet-o-fish."

"Yes," said Ralph. "We're not loving it."

Goldfish Chronicles III

"We're bored," said Ralph, the daddy goldfish.

"Nothing to do but swim around all day," said Minerva.

"Except," said Ralph, "ha ha--remember that Cole Porter song? 'Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it'."

"Oh, Ralph!" said Minerva. I thought she might have blushed, but with goldfish it's hard to tell.

"But wait," said Ralph, "that's what we need--music. Put some on."

"What kind of music do you like?" I asked.

"We're very fond of Schubert's Trout Quintet," said Minerva.

"'Splish Splash' is good," said Ralph.

"And 'Three Little Fishies in an Itty-Bitty Stream" is cute."

"But not 'Saturday Night Fish Fry'."

"No, we hate that."

"How about," I said, "'Salmon Chanted Evening'?"

"GEDDOUDA HERE!" they cried.

Goldfish Chronicles II

Galen and Zoe called this morning and said, "Don't forget to wish the mama fish a happy Mother's Day."

"Which one," I said, "is the mama fish?"

Zoe sighed. "Don't you know anything?"

Galen said, "The mama fish is the carassius auratur cyprinidae, more commonly known as the fantail."

"We call her Minerva," said Zoe.

"They have names?" I said.

"Of course they have names," said Galen. "The papa fish is Ralph, and their friends are Fillmore and Amy."

I said, "It sounds like 'I Love Lucy' with fins."

Zoe sighed again. "We should have gotten an app to look after the goldfish."

I said, "There's an app for goldfish?"

Galen said, "Don't mind him, Zo--he's pre-digital."

Zoe said, "I think he's prehistoric."

After they hung up I went to have lunch. I decided against the fish fingers.

Journal of a Goldfish Sitter

My neighbors Galen and Zoe, aged nine and three, have gone to San Diego to visit the zoo. Before leaving, they knocked on my door and asked if I would do something for them: "Would you feed our goldfish while we're away?"

I protested that I am irresponsible, unreliable and in all practical matters incompetent. "We know," said Galen. "But you're the only one left," said Zoe.

This is how I have become a goldfish sitter.

"You give them four pellets in the morning," said Galen. "And eight at night," said Zoe.

"And," she said, "don't stick your hand in the tank."

Why not?

"Because," said Galen, "it would upset the electric eel."

"And the stingray and piranhas," said Zoe.

"Have fun in San Diego," I said, and went to consult with my friend Jack Daniel.

So long, Torts

So long, Torts--
That's the way it is in sports.
Gotta keep your suitcase packed,
Never know when you'll get sacked.

So long, Torts--
Hope you're not feelin' too outa sorts.
Thought you might stay forever,
But then they went and got Trevor.

So long, Torts--
You gave it a nice try.
Despite reports,
You turned out to be a nice guy.

So pour a drink
And get into some other team's rink.
Just remember one thing:
You already got a Stanley Cup ring.

So long, Torts.

Lights--camera--music!

The film "American Hustle" received ten Academy Award nominations, but not one for best score. A mistake, because Danny Elfman's musical collage--from Duke Ellington to Steely Dan, Thelonious Monk and Gerry Mulligan to Donna Summer--is one of the best things about the film.

Elfman could have composed an original score--he has written some of television's best-known theme music--but chose instead to put together a musical backdrop using existing recordings. Perhaps the first to do this successfully was Jerry Fielding, for "L.A. Confidential," setting the period as ably as the art direction and set design.

For a long time film scores were dreary or unimaginative or overbearing or all three. Any number of 1940s weepers used part of "Daphnis et Chloe," and one is sorry Ravel wasn't around to demand royalties or sue. Then there were the ponderous scores Korngold wrote for Errol Flynn swashbucklers. For a time, movies had to have a lead song--think "To Each His Own" and "Till the End of Time."

Duke Ellington scored a couple of movies--"Anatomy of a Murder" and "Assault on a Queen"--but this wasn't his true metier. One of the first truly great scores was the one Leonard Bernstein wrote for "On the Waterfront" and another, which did win an Oscar--two, in fact--was Burt Bacharach's for "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." Gerry Mulligan pulled together a knockout jazz aggregation for "The Hot Rock," and Johnny Mandel has written all kinds of memorable movie music, for pictures from "The Americanization of Emily" to "MASH." And we can't forget David Raksin, who composed the still hauntingly beautiful themes for "Laura" and "The Bad and the Beautiful."

Off to look for a CD of Danny Elfman's "American Hustle" score. Music, maestro, please!

Silver sends Sterling to the showers

Or maybe not. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver came down so hard on the loose-lipped Los Angeles Clippers owner that Donald Sterling may not be allowed in the showers. Silver did everything but forbid Sterling to watch basketball on TV.

This is not to defend Sterling or his comments, but only to wonder at the change over the past sixty or seventy years in American big league sports. There was a time when Sterling's remarks would not have raised a white eyebrow; that was the period when there were no African-Americans playing major league baseball. Legendary players like Satchel Paige were restricted to what were known as the "negro leagues."

Then along came two brave men who were willing to endure a lot of abuse, not only from owners and fans, but even their own teammates. Yet they did it, opened up the game, and began to change the way Americans saw--and respected--people.

So the next time Pope Francis declares a pair of saints, we're pulling for Branch Rickey and Jackie Robinson. Even if their main religion was Baseball.