Zingers-R-Us

The busiest writers in the United States right now are those charged with coming up with responses to political jibes. Candidates for the U.S. presidency, knocked off balance by an opponent's remark, call up their writers, and say, "Quick, gimme a comeback!"

Thus, when former Speaker John Boehner said Ted Cruz is "Lucifer in the flesh," the resident hack in the Cruz camp gave the Texas senator this line: "John is channeling his inner Donald Trump."

And when Trump accused Hillary Clinton of playing "the women's card," Clinton's ghost gave her something like "If fighting for equality in pay and protecting women's right to choose is playing the women's card, then deal me in!"

The follow-up to Boehner's hit on Cruz--"Lucifer in the flesh"--should be "And Lucifer has called to complain." As for Trump and the women's card, the gag possibilities are too obvious, and too lame, to pursue.

But Ms. Clinton, and Messrs. Trump, Cruz, Sanders and Kasich, when you need a fast comeback, you know whom to call: Zingers-R-Us.

Ted and Carly, Donald and...?

Ted Cruz has surprised many by announcing a running mate for his US Presidential campaign. This despite the fact that he is unlikely to have a campaign that goes past the primaries. Even so, Senator Ted has selected Carly Fiorina to be his vice president. "I love her work," said Cruz. "Especially 'You're So Vain'."

Donald Trump has not announced who would be his running mate. He seemed confused, saying, "I mean, it's just a term, right? We don't actually have to, like, mate, do we?"

Said to have been at the top of his list was Lena Dunham, but Ms. Dunham has since said that if Mr. Trump were to be elected president, she would move to Canada. "Let her go," said Trump. "I'll fly her in my personal jet. And by the way, that's one more reason to make me president--I'll bring my own plane."

Hillary Clinton has not revealed whom she would pick as her sidekick on the road to Pennsylvania Avenue, but the list is said to include Chris Rock, Woody Harrelson, and the Amazing Spider-Man.

Beauty Queens

Jennifer Aniston has been declared the Most Beautiful Woman in the World. Brad Pitt said, "Now they tell me."

Ms. Aniston's coronation by People magazine will come as a surprise to admirers of Rachel McAdams, Jennifer Lawrence and Beyonce. Michelle Obama. The Duchess of Cambridge.

And how would today's beauty queens compare with legendary beauties of the past? Hedy Lamarr, Grace Kelly, Lena Horne, Marilyn Monroe? And Ava Gardner, who famously declared, "Elizabeth Taylor is not beautiful. Elizabeth Taylor is pretty. I'm beautiful."

The appearance of beauty is subjective, of course, but Keats, who did not write for People magazine, told us:

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty--that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

Old Radio Guys Never Die...

...they just get tuned out.

Once or twice a year there is a gathering of radio veterans who still possess a pulse. The event was conceived by Red Robinson, and it's known as RPM. This stands for Radio Performers Membership, but we prefer to think of it as Red's Post Mortem.

The most recent party (a luncheon happening, as many have to get home for an afternoon nap) was a fine, collegial occasion. Much happy camaraderie, even though some of the guests were once fierce rivals, ready to cut each other's microphone cords for better ratings. It was an event that would have been well chronicled by Denny Boyd or Jack Wasserman. Malcolm Parry, the current Vancouver Sun party columnist, would not have attended, as no one there looked rich, and there was a complete absence of cleavage.

There were, however, a lot of white beards. The George "Gabby" Hayes look seems to be trending. Exceptions were the onetime DJ who resembled Digger O'Dell, the friendly undertaker, and the police beat reporter who looked remarkably like Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Our friend the one-armed writer-lawyer, surveying photos of the event, remarked that if the participants were to march into any Vancouver radio station and take over the microphones, audience ratings would double in twenty-four hours. He also said, "That crowd should be entitled to have a whole generation of Vancouverites pick up the bill. There is no way anyone there should be paying for their own drinks."

Not sure about his first point--but agree enthusiastically with the second.

Celebrating Will and George

Today is both the birthday of William Shakespeare and St. George's Day.

Write a sonnet.

Slay a dragon.

David Granger, Esq.

If you haven't done so already, you may want to pick up the current copy of Esquire, the one with Key and Peele on the cover. It's not the most memorable issue of the magazine, but it is the last one to carry David Granger's name as editor.

Granger wasn't as innovative or brilliant an editor as Arnold Gingrich, the magazine's founder, or Harold Hayes, who presided in the 1960s over what was called the "New Journalism." But he did put together a solid magazine that endured and satisfied while scores of others vanished from newsstands, never to be seen again.

There are final notes from Granger still to come--his "exit interviews" with George Clooney and Bill Murray. But no more Letters from the Editor over his name.

The thing is, magazine editors are in roughly the same vulnerable position as hockey coaches. They all need to keep their suitcases packed. As one said, "Publishers woo you for weeks, they have to have you, you're the only one for the job. Six months later, they fire you."

The new editor of Esquire is Jay Fielden, brought over by Hearst from Town and Country. Good luck, Mr. Fielden.

Journaiism Notes

Reports on the CBC Radio network that reporters were "live blogging" from the courtroom where judgments were being delivered in the Mike Duffy case reminded us of Jack Webster making his name in the 1950s Vancouver police probe by taking down testimony in shorthand and then running to a pay phone to call in the story to CJOR listeners.

Would Webster be live blogging today? Probably. And he would still be the best on the beat.

Meanwhile, in the great Press Club in the Sky, Webster and Wasserman continue their examination of the redesigned Vancouver Sun.

Wasserman: Have you seen the new head shots of the columnists?

Webster: Yes. They look like passport photos taken by a bad-tempered photographer.