Watching the Olympics. Or Not.

The banging on the door began at 6:00 a.m.  Two men were there, burly guys, wearing official Olympic Get-the-Spirit toques and Olympic Ring tattoos.  Their badges identified them as Walosky and Grinch.

No time was wasted on small talk.  "You," barked Walosky, "were not watching the Olympic opening ceremonies last night." 

"You missed the sacred Lighting of the Cauldron," said Grinch.  "You did not tear up with the rest of the nation when Nikki Yanofsky sang 'O Canada'."

"What's your excuse?" Walosky demanded.  "Are you an alien or something?"

"I'm sorry," I said.  "I was watching All-Star Bowling."

"All-Star Bowling?"  Grinch reeled backwards as though I had handed him a diseased rodent. "How could you possibly have been watching All-Star Bowling?"

"It was because Ace of Cakes had been preempted," I said.

"Okay, fella," said Walosky.  "As authorized by the official Olympic Get-the-Spirit Commission, we are going to set your penalty."

Voice quaking, I asked what the penalty would be.

"You will be required," said Walosky, "to sit through a 24-hour replay of John Furlong's speech."

Grinch gasped.  "Jeez, Ralph," he said.  "Isn't that a little harsh?"

"You going soft on me, Grinch?" said Walosky.

They tied me to a chair facing the screen and turned on the tape. 

Then Walosky said, "Let's go, Grinch.  We have to see that guy in Lantzville who's been making cracks about the Grouse Water Slide Event."