An Outbreak of Civility

Caught up in the new spirit of civility ushered in by President Obama, Canadian political leaders announced today they are pulling their attack ads and replacing them with warm expressions of friendship toward their political rivals. Excerpts from the new commercials follow.

Stephen Harper: "I look at my three opponents in the upcoming election that may be thrust upon us, and I have to say this is probably the best trio since Winkin, Blinkin and Nod. Or Snap, Crackle and Pop. Or Larry, Curly and Moe."

Michael Ignatieff:  "I chuckle when my good friend Stephen joshes me about my years at Harvard. I can well understand the amusement of one who had difficulty with the entrance exams at SAIT."

Jack Layton: "Steve is our kind of guy, never mind he has never learned how to knot a necktie and that he still uses greasy kid stuff. Anytime Steve wants to enter this century, we will warmly welcome him."

Gilles Duceppe: "Stephen Harper, mon ami! What a way avec un chanson! Monsieur Buble, en garde!"

US Vice-President Joe Biden applauded the new trend in Canadian political discourse, saying "Very %@#!+* civil."

Tosca on Fire

Hearing on the People's Radio Network that Maria Callas's hair once caught fire during a performance of "Tosca," we wondered how the cast and crew would respond.  For an authoritative answer, we consulted veteran opera company stage manager Ian Garner.  Here is his reply: 

"If it [the coiffure conflagration] took place during Act II, Scarpia's dining room, I would assume that the dinner table candles caused the incident. There would be wine (imitation) on the dining table, so Scarpia, if combustion took place before she kills him with the fruit knife, crying 'Avanti lui tremava tutta Roma' ('before him Rome trembled'), could, in the course of their less than friendly meeting, throw the contents of the wine jug over her with credibility. 

"Otherwise, down with the safety curtain, on with the fire engine."

First Sign of Spring

Seen today in florist's window:  "Time to get your Spring blubs." 

Earthquake Dating

Breaking news from all over:

* During President Obama's State of the Union address, Democrats and Republicans were persuaded to sit together, instead of in rival gang wars like the Sharks and the Jets. An unexpected consequence: some of the former bitter opponents were seen holding hands, and Rep. Orville Windus (D.Tex.) and Rep. Florence Hoople (R.Mich.) have announced their engagement.

* Prime Minister Stephen Harper is in Geneva as co-chair of a United Nations conference on infant and maternal health. It is believed Canada will provide Third World mothers with a tape recording of Prime Minister Steve crooning lullabies.  "He always puts us to sleep," said Bob Rae. 

* Residents of Metro Vancouver today participated in an earthquake drill.  At 10 a.m., on signal, they dove under desks, tables and beds to prepare themselves for what we in the news media like to call The Big One. At 3:00 p.m., it was reported, several couples were still under their desks. Further engagement announcements are anticipated.

* Yesterday was Robbie Burns Day. Our senior writer was last seen weaving away from The Old Heather Inn reciting "A Man's a Man for A'That." If found, please return him to Pointless Digressions. No questions asked.

Booze Nooze

It has come to our attention, and the attention of The New York Times, that a Victoria oasis named Clive's is pouring a cocktail with the blended flavors of, among other things, dark rum, single malt Scotch, roasted cherry tomatoes, basil, and a buttery grilled cheese sandwich.

We are not making this up.  The cocktail is the creation of an Australian mixologist, who thinks of the concoction as a kind of alcoholic comfort food.

Where this will lead, only the Great Mixer in the Sky can tell.  We fear the emergence of the Tuna Noodle Daiquiri, the Baked Spam Margarita, and (shudder) the Kraft Dinner Martini.

Just Perrier for us, thanks.

License to Biff

Recently published is Keith Jeffery's 810-page "MI6:  The history of the Secret Intelligence Service." In a review for the Times Literary Supplement, Calder Walton notes "It is richer on SIS's administration and bureaucracy than on cloak-and-dagger exploits. Nevertheless, it does contain material that could come from the pages of Ian Fleming --signet rings with hidden compartments, dastardly enemies and daring officers. Wilfred 'Biffy' Dunderdale was probably the closest real-life officer to James Bond."

We look forward to the film in which a Sean Connery or Daniel Craig 007 fixes the villain with a steely gaze and says, "The name is Dunderdale. Biffy Dunderdale." 

Meryl Streep as the Iron Lady

British tabloids are fulminating over the casting of Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in a forthcoming biopic of the prime minister known as the Iron Lady. "What cheek," they cry, "casting an American as our revered--well, somewhat revered, but totally English--PM!" The country's first choice for the role of Mrs. (now Baroness) Thatcher: John Cleese.

More anger is expected when it is revealed who will play Denis, a toss-up between Billy Bob Thornton and Eddie Murphy.  

In retaliation, UK filmmakers are planning a biopic of Eleanor Roosevelt.  Cast in the leading role: Dame Edna.

News Rap-up

Latest reports from Pointless Digressions News Central, with bulletins from bureaus in Saigon, Kuala Lumpur, and Porcupine Plains:

* Following his performance on the Golden Globes Awards show, Ricky Gervais can no longer hang out with Tom Cruise and John Travolta at Hugh Hefner's luxury pad (Hugh still calls it a "pad"). And Cher is returning all of Ricky's letters.

* Prime Minister Stephen Harper, sitting for an interview with Peter ("Who swiped my Rogain?") Mansbridge, sketched what is likely to be the main thrust in his next election campaign; i.e., "Give the good guys--that's us--a majority government or be faced with a coalition of Socialists and Separatists." Many will no doubt be moved to vote for Mr. Charisma, the rockin' PM, a mix of Elton John and Merv Griffin. 

* British statisticians have determined that the world has recovered from its post-Christmas tristesse, January 17 having been declared the most depressing day of the year. The good news implicit in this: the rest of the year should be peaches!

 

Roger the Rodent's Global Globes Acceptance Speech

Thank you, thank you, fellow thespians and rodents, especially Squigley Squirrel and Geoffrey Gerbil--a real swinger, by the way--both of whom helped get me out of that crazy maze. Wow, imagine getting this coveted trophy and being kissed by Minnie Mouse!  

I would like also to thank Brad Pitt, who voiced my lines in the animated film "Revenge of Roger the Rodent." In appreciation, I have offered to voice Brad's lines in his next film, and, if he's on location somewhere, to keep Angelina company.  Ha ha--you know us rats.

Speaking, or squeaking, of which, I have formed a true Rat Pack: Dino Beaver, Sammy Shrew Jr., and Joey Rabbit. The rule is "Shout your yap and stay outa the trap." Gimme another hit of that Jack Daniel's cheddar. 

Finally, I must thank all my supporters in the Foreign Press Association, especially the four or five still hanging around after Robert DeNiro's speech.

And now, to all of my fellow rodent performers, let me say "Good luck in the lab tests!"  God bless!  Kiss kiss!

Leading with the Left

Lantzville Lefty has alerted us to the approaching birthdays of yet two more celebrated persons who wrote with their left hands, as does President Obama (a characteristic that Tea Party followers no doubt find highly suspicious).

The first birthday to be noted is that of Albert Schweitzer, born January 14, 1875.  Besides his fame as a medical missionary among African lepers, as a writer and philosopher, and as a Nobel Peace Prize laureate, he was a much admired musician, known for recordings of the organ works of J.S. Bach.  Less known are his early funk improvisations on the Hammond B3, as "Big Al" Schweitzer, a direct influence on Jimmy Smith, Richard "Groove" Holmes and Brother Jack McDuff. 

Coming next, on January 17, is the birthday of Benjamin Franklin (1706), history's most famous kite flyer, an inspiration for Charlie Brown.  But in this corner, we remember Ben primarily as founder of The Saturday Evening Post, which, in its heyday, published the stories of scores of writers, from F. Scott Fitzgerald to Philip Wylie.  

Come back, Ben!  We have a trunk full of stories to send you!

Now--Christy Day!

Christy Clark, sometime radio talk show host (following in the footsteps of Dave Barrett, Rafe Mair, and other ex-politicians lured by the large dollar) has announced that should she become Premier of British Columbia, she will introduce a new holiday, an extra day off in February, to, as we understand it, allow British Columbians to spend more time with families and friends, and to worship Premier Christy.

Kevin Falcon, Ms. Clark's principal rival for leadership of the BC Liberal party, leading (sigh) to the premiership, said, "Okay, Christy! I'll see you on that, and raise you a day!  Two days holidays!"

Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson, called for comment, said, "Why not give them the whole #$!*&% month?"

Got a Match, Leona?

Federal Health minister Leona Aglukkaq has announced the government will impose striking new graphics on cigarette packages...though it may take some time. (Can we break for a smoke?) 

There had been rumors that tobacco companies were attempting to influence the health ministry's decision, suggesting slightly different graphics; e.g., Paul Henried lighting two cigarettes and handing one to Bette Davis in "Now Voyager."  Marvin Puffmeister, a tobacco industry lobbyist, denied this, saying he always travels with a trunk full of hundred-dollar bills. 

In light of the government's action, the CRTC has directed radio stations to downplay recordings by Smokey Robinson, DVD shops cannot display copies of "Smokey and the Bandit", and that familiar forest firefighter, Smokey the Bear, has been replaced by Buttout the Beaver. 

Meanwhile, rogue radio stations, broadcasting from underground smoke-filled rooms, continue to play Phil Harris's iconic recording of the Merle Travis-Tex Williams song "Smoke Smoke Smoke That Cigarette":

"Nicotine slaves are all the same

  At a pettin' party or a poker game

  Everything's gotta stop while they have a cigarette."

Uh...Leona?  Madam Minister?  Got a light?

Media Stars Back Politicos

Former CTV/Global news anchor Pamela Martin has announced she is supporting Christy Clark for leadership of the BC Liberal Party, and has put her $10 on the line, to secure party membership.

Persuasive, but we're waiting to see whom Larry and Willy are backing.

Meanwhile, still time to get your party membership! Only ten dollars, for a chance at a cabinet minister's portfolio!

Celebrating Twelfth Night

We have come to the last of the twelve days of Christmas, and we hope you have little difficulty in ridding your home of nine lords a-leaping and ten maids a-milking, not to mention the various feathered friends who have turned your domicile into Guanoland.

James I (of England) and VI (of Scotland) knew what he wanted to bring the season to a grand finale:  a new comedy, by his favorite playwright, a Mr. W. Shakespeare.  Shake responded with his usual alacrity, and produced a play titled, not surprisingly, "Twelfth Night." It was performed for the first time on January 6, 1601, in the court of Whitehall Palace; and, according to Harold Bloom, the playwright himself might have played one of the parts.

This is also the Feast of Epiphany, the day in which the Magi (or Wise Men or Three Kings) arrived at the stable in Bethlehem, having followed the mysterious star from the east.  There are two wonderful books one might read at this time:  "Journey of the Magi" by Paul William Roberts and "The Four Wise Men" by Michel Tournier.

The poem almost everyone knows is T.S. Eliot's "Journey of the Magi" ("a cold coming we had of it...") but one we remember with pleasure is a lighthearted account in which the Magi leave a camel for the Holy Child and his friends to ride and play with.

A splendid day to all, and especially those wondering if they should take down their Christmas tree now, or leave it up until next December. 

Dumas sans pantalon

January 5, 1821: Lord Byron writes in his diary:  Sir Walter Scott is a "wonderful man! I long to get drunk with him."

January 5, 1895: Henry James steps on stage at London's St. James's Theatre as the curtain descends on his play "Guy Domville." James expects to hear cheers of "Author! Author!" Instead he is met with boos, catcalls, raspberries, and the odd ripe tomato.

January 5, 1825: Alexandre Dumas fights a duel. It ends when his pants fall down. Dumas mutters "Never happened to D'Artagnan."

The Clark Triplets

The return of Christy Clark to the electoral fray marks the resurgence of the most successful sibling act in British Columbia politics:  the Clark Triplets.

BC voters have long admired the Clark Triplets:  former premier Glen, former Rentalsman Barrie, and now former talk show host Christy. Across the province, we hear the mantra "When things look dark, call for a Clark."

Should Christy become BC's next premier, we may look forward to the triplets reunited, singing the triplets song from "The Band Wagon":

"We do everything alike

 We look alike, we dress alike

 We talk alike, we walk alike

 And what is more,

 We hate each other very much."

Bartender, pour us a triple.

Happy New Year, Holden Caulfield

This is January 1st, a day of some literary significance. On this date in 1660, Samuel Pepys began keeping his diary; on this date in 1909, Marcel Proust dipped a crust of toast in his tea, unlocking a lifetime of memories that led to you-know-what; and on this date in 1919, J.D. Salinger was born.

Also born this date, in 1879, was E.M. Forster, author of, among other things, "A Passage to India," "A Room with a View" and Howard's End." But that, as Jack Wasserman used to say, is not the item. We mention Forster because it allows us to quote Katherine Mansfield's assessment of his work, which seems as succinct and perfect a piece of literary criticism as one could wish. Ms. Mansfield wrote: "Forster never gets any further than warming the teapot...Feel this teapot, is it not beautifully warm? Yes, but there ain't going to be no tea."