Everything's fine. Just fine.

In the world of sports, every thing's fine. Just fine. Fine, fine, fine.

Everything is especially fine with Jim Devellano, senior vice-president of the Detroit Red Wings. Despite an NHL ruling demanding that everyone please just shut up, Jim Dee opened up to compare the league to a ranch and the players to cattle. Said Jim: "The owners own the ranch and allow the players to eat there." That cost Jim a cool $250,000 in a league-imposed fine. If the league really is a ranch, someone may be thinking of putting Jim out to pasture.

In football, BC Lions defensive star Khalif Mitchell was fined for making a throat-slashing gesture when lined up against the Edmonton Eskimos. Some believed this was a religious act, a vigorously devout sign of the cross. The CFL judges didn't buy that. Fine two, for Khalif so far this season. The Lions are hoping for a two and out.

Still with football, Jon Cornish of the Calgary Stampeders, the league's leading rusher, also became the league's leading mooner while playing against the Saskatchewan Roughriders in Regina's Mosaic Stadium. It was a classic example of what is termed in television a wardrobe malfunction, although Cornish called it an "equipment slippage." News media are calling it Moon over Mosaic. Coach John Huffnagel was not amused, and Cornish was brought forward to intone a public apology and fork over some bucks as a fine. Some fans, standing by Cornish, called the penalty a bum rap.

Finally, some Saskatchewan Roughriders fans, known for their imaginative use of watermelons as helmets, have found a new use: watermelon halves as brassieres. Several of the Riders' bosom buddies were spotted on TSN wearing the new watermelon bras. We are relieved to report there was no wardrobe malfunction.