Noshing our way thru Rosh Hashanah

A happy new year to all--and bon appetit!

We plan on several days of brisket and latkes, chopped liver and tongue, sour dill pickles, scrambled eggs with pastrami, kugel, challah, chicken soup with matzo balls and kreplak, schmaltz herring and eggplant, corned beef and smoked meat, bagels and cream cheese, honey cake and komish cookies.

Remembered with pleasure: Rubin's Delicatessen on Granville, with Mama Rubin's New York cheesecake, and Lindy's on West Fourth, where the sandwich menu told us:

"One not enough,
Two too many?
Order one and a half,
You won't leave any."

And we never did leave any.

So, here we go, noshing our way thru Rosh Hashanah.

But we do remember what Gerry Altman said, leaning over our shoulder as we spooned up borscht at Rubin's: "It doesn't matter how much bagels and lox you eat, it won't make you Jewish."

White House Favorites

What are the happy folks humming at the White House this week? These are a few of their favourites:

"Whistle While You Work"

"Give a Little Whistle"

"Whistle a Happy Tune"

"Anyone Can Whistle"

And, a new tune commissioned for the boss: "Whistleblower Blues."

What, Autumn Already?

And we were just getting used to Spring. Ah, well--time to assemble our Autumn Playlist, with recommended versions.

"'Tis Autumn"--Chet Baker

"Autumn Serenade"--Johnny Hartman and John Coltrane

"Early Autumn"--the coda to Ralph Burns's "Summer Sequence"--the Woody Herman original, with Stan Getz and Terry Gibbs

"Early Autumn"--Ella Fitzgerald, to hear Johnny Mercer's lyrics--"There's a dance pavilion in the rain..."

"Autumn Leaves"--has to be Yves Montand. "Les Feuilles Mortes"

"Autumn in New York"--Jo Stafford

"September Song"--only and always Walter Huston

"September in the Rain"--the recording that introduced the George Shearing Quintet. As terrific today  as it was in 1949.

"Indian Summer"--Sinatra with Ellington

"Indian Summer"--Sarah Vaughan with Basie

"Lullaby of the Leaves"--Vic Dickenson and/or Dizzy Gillespie with strings

"The Things We Did Last Summer"--Nancy Wilson with Shearing

"When October Goes"--Johnny Mercer's last lyrics, set to music by Barry Manilow, with an assist from Sergei Rachmaninoff--Rosemary Clooney

Amadeus

This year marks the thirty-fifth anniversary of the release of the film "Amadeus." Presumably, it will be screened many times, sales of the recorded score may increase, and symphony orchestras and opera companies will program Mozart works.

We have been trying to get financial backing for a production of our show, but strangely, no one seems to be interested in a comedy called "Moe and Sal."

POOP Protest

Pirates were outraged today when a photograph surfaced showing a political candidate in a pirate costume he wore at a school Hallowe'en party in 1972. The photo was revealed by the Dig Up Dirt Society (DUDS).

"This is a cruel mockery of the brave men and women who ravaged and plundered the seas, and a clear case of identity theft," declared Waldo Phipps, who prefers to be known as Jolly Roger. Phipps is president of the Pirates Of Old Platoon (POOP).

"This person," Phipps said, "had the effrontery to wear an eyepatch and a skull and crossbones shirt. He even had a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. I know some of his defenders are saying he was only eight years old at the time, but we stand ready to protect our heritage, in the name of Long John Silver."

The dimpled leader of an opposition party said, "I was shocked and dismayed by this insensitivity. I, too, went trick or treating, but I always went as Little Bo-Peep."

Meanwhile, another political nominee was assailed when a video appeared showing her wearing a black peaked hat and carrying a broom. "We are deeply offended," said a spokeswoman for Witches of the World (WOW). We intend to cast a curse on her."

September Playlist

1. "Soon It's Gonna Rain"

2. "Baby, the Rain Must Fall"

3. "Rain On the Roof"

4. "Isn't It a Lovely Day (to be Caught in the Rain)?"

5. "Famous Blue Raincoat"

6. "Let a Smile Be Your Umbrella"

7. "Here's That Rainy Day"

8. "Stormy Weather"

9. "Into Each Life a Little Rain Must Fall (but too much is falling in mine)"

10. "The Day That the Rains Came Down"

11. "A Garden in the Rain"

12. "Till the Clouds Roll By" ("Helter-skelter, we must run for shelter")

13. "The Wind and the Rain in Your Hair"

14. "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head"

15. "Cloudburst"

16. "Stormy Monday (seems like Tuesday's just as bad)"

17. "MacArthur Park (someone left the cake out in the rain)"

18. "Singin' in the Rain"

19. "September in the Rain"

Of course we're not superstitious. But...

So it's Friday the 13th. So what. Think we're worried? Hah? Let us give you a list of the superstitions we've discarded:

* Avoiding walking under a ladder.

* Throwing spilled salt over the left shoulder.

* Never putting a hat on a bed.

* Not being the third person on a match.

* Staying clear of black cats.

* Never opening an umbrella indoors (unless it's raining indoors, which is another problem).

If one is in the theatre, there are superstitions peculiar to an actor's life, which include:

* Never whistling backstage.

* Always referring to "Macbeth" as "the Scottish play."

* Never wishing a performer good luck. The accepted wish is "Break a leg."

So let's breeze happily and free of superstitions through Friday the 13th. (Although just to be safe, we're staying indoors all day.)

Slap's Financial Counselling Service

Dear Ms. Andreescu:

First of all, congratulations on your historic victory at the U.S. Open! I was with you all the way, wearing my Canadian maple leaf shorts while eating pomona porcului and listening to Zamfir.

I know this win is going to be difficult to deal with emotionally, and especially wondering how to handle that $3.85 million prize money. And so, allow me to offer my services as a seasoned financial counsellor.

The right investments can  grow that prize money substantially, and I believe I have a great opportunity for you in my invention of the combination flask and portable popcorn popper, a revolutionary device sure to appeal to sports fans.

Looking forward to hearing from you by return mail.

Yours for even greater triumphs on the court and in the market--Slap Maxwell.

Sonny Rollins, Last of the Tenor Titans

September 7: Sonny Rollins turns 89. Sonny Rollins, last of the big throated, muscular saxophonists who came out of Coleman Hawkins. Born this late summer day in Harlem, but his West Indies heritage has been apparent in such works as the calypso "St. Thomas," his best known composition. Others: "Airegin," "Pent-up House," "Tenor Madness" and "Valse Hot," plus the score for the film "Alfie."

It seems incongruous to call an 89-year-old Sonny, but nobody's going to go back to his straight name, which is Theodore. You can see the young, unbearded Sonny in the famous photograph "A Great Day in Harlem." Of the dozens in the picture, and the many he played with over the decades--Bud Powell, Fats Navarro, Thelonious Monk, Clifford Brown, Max Roach--he is one of the few left standing. Brown's death in a car crash hit him especially hard. Max Roach told writer Chris Grove, "I called Sonny and George [Morrow] down to my room and told them what had happened. Sonny went to his room, and I heard him play the saxophone all night. He just played all night."

That was in 1956. Three years later, Rollins took a break from playing in public, and spent two years  working on his sound--on the catwalk, it was said, over the Williamsburg Bridge.

In the mid-70s, Sonny had a three- or four-night run at Oil Can Harry's in Vancouver, nights of impossibly long runs of improvisation, which may have left some listeners confused. Rollins also has a sense of humor, which turns up in some of his curious choices of material--"I'm An Old Cowhand," "A Chapel in the Moonlight," "If You Were the Only Girl in the World"--and he has had a long list of memorable albums, including "Saxophone Colossus," The Freedom Suite" and "Way Out West," one of the handful of albums to receive a five-star rating from Down Beat magazine.

Sonny Rollins may no longer be playing into the small hours at Manhattan jazz clubs, and he may feel surrounded by ghosts, but he seems content. Today on his birthday he tweeted "Greetings, everybody. Sonny Rollins is alive and well and living in upstate NY. Not only living, but learning. In this world there is a big picture and a little picture. I'm all about the big picture, and it's good all the time. See you later. Sonny."

Aging Lust

We were taken aback this morning to read in the daily astrological guide that Raquel Welch is 79 years old.

Raquel Welch! Who played Lust in "Bedazzled"!

If the ravages of time have overtaken the most glamorous of the Seven Deadly Sins, what of the others? Has Anger become a mild-mannered mediator? Has Gluttony gone vegan? Has Sloth taken a steady job?

Bad days for Satan's mob. All he has left are a few goofball politicians with bad hair.

Eternal Detention

As teachers and students streamed into classrooms this sunny September, full of promise and optimism and good cheer, we had a sudden, chilling thought: what if afterlife meant a return to school? Especially for those who dropped out early?

Consider a purgatory where you are trapped in Mr. Nelson's math class and cannot be freed until you pass Grade 10 algebra. This would mean spending eternity trying to figure out 3x + 2y = P.

And then, maybe if you finally, after couple of millennia got it right ("Are you sure you weren't looking at someone else's paper?") being required to interpret the final equation: E = mc2.

That does it. We're staying here.