Father's Day cards for Special Situations

Hallmark Cards is proud to announce a new series of Father's Day greetings for what it terms "special situations." A sampling follows: 

"We'd love to give you a warm hug

If they'd let us see you in the jug. 

Daddy-o, we love you so, Number 217350.

Happy Father's Day! No bars to our affection!"

"We love you, Papa, we're not bitter

Though you ran off with our baby sitter.

Happy Father's Day, wherever you are.

P.S.: All she ever did was read comic books,

entertain her boy friend and steal your Scotch. 

For this you paid six bucks an hour?"

"To you, dear parent, our love is tendered.

You're still our Pop though now transgendered.

Happy--uh--Father's Day. Or whatever." 

Morning After the Morning After

It has been reported that many of those over-exuberant fans attending Wednesday night's riot have been posting photos and comments on YouTube. 

Not all are happy, however: Wendy Wonkerslee says "I broke into a ladies wear store and couldn't find anything I liked in my size. What kind of store is that?"

Similarly, Alvin Knickerton writes "Went to all the trouble to bust my way into Chapters and could not turn up a copy of the new Gandhi biography. How will I ever achieve inner peace?"

Vance Dinwoody, however, is ecstatic: "Nabbed this gorgeous mannequin out of a Bay swimsuit display. We are now engaged!"

Meanwhile, some persons are said to be selling their ill-gotten plunder on-line. Shocking! (Anyone want to buy a slightly used ATM?) 

Bewildered Canucks fans ask...

"Who was that masked man?"

...as Tim Thomas rides into the sunset. 

The Ma Green Political Scene

Some readers may remember Ma Green, the Harold Gray cartoon character who offered trenchant comments on the political scene. We are pleased to report that we have located Ma Green, and henceforth she will present her observations here. Take it away, Ma.

"Sure, and I don't know why yer Mister Harper is so upset about the problems at Air Canada and Canada Post. Why, din't he lock out Parliament a couple times hisself?

"And by the way, should any of my creditors be tuned in, your cheques is in the mail."

Hey, Chester--remember book stores?

Publishers Weekly reports that bookstore sales rose 1.8% in April. That's the good news. The bad news is that a lot of those sales came from stores closing out.

Vancouver has lost yet another independent bookstore, the kind of store of which the city once had many. At one time Vancouver had more bookstores per capita than any other city in Canada. Now most are gone, joining record shops, embattled DVD outlets, and neighborhood Mom and Pop grocery stores, lost to giant retailers and the digital revolution. Why go out to a store when you can sit at home and order on-line? An agoraphobic's dream.

The digital onslaught is expected to continue in other areas of life. This, for instance, may be one of the last seasons when we see actual live hockey players on the ice. With the increasing sophistication of robotics and artificial intelligence, club owners may soon be able to send out teams of androids to battle each other. Many owners welcome this news, recognizing that while the initial cost may be high, the long-term savings potential is terrific--only a few parts to be replaced and some rewiring necessary.  

And then--first the players, next the fans. It is a sci-fi writer's ominous dream. 

Do what you can to halt the tide. Find a bookstore, doing business somewhere in a walk-in closet. Locate a record shop in an abandoned telephone booth. There is still time. 

Maybe.

Cry of an Anguished Fan

"Say it isn't so, Vigneault!"

Watch for the Mail

Canada Post has announced that in this temporary period of worker unrest, mail in urban centres will be delivered only three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

In further clarification, Veronica Watermark has made it known that Mondays will be reserved for delivery of bills and chain letters; Wednesdays will be given to pizza flyers, realtors' cards and funeral home brochures; Friday you may expect cheques, declarations of love, acceptance letters from publishers, and news of inherited wealth, property and title from a great-uncle you never knew you had.

Tuesdays and Thursdays, mail carriers will be replacing Air Canada baggage handlers.