Cracked,But Not Breaking, News

A second district in France has outlawed the designation "mademoiselle," stating that it is discriminatory. Anyone caught singing "Mademoiselle from Armentieres" will be sent to the guillotine.

A front row concertgoer in New York recently disrupted a performance of Mahler's Ninth Symphony when his cell phone began playing a marimba ring tone. New York Philharmonic conductor Alan Gilbert halted the orchestra until the cell phone was silenced. We, however, have always felt that the Mahler Ninth needed a marimba.

Meryl Streep has received praise for her performance as Margaret Thatcher in "The Iron Lady," while the film's depiction of the former British prime minister has been assailed, in loyal Conservative quarters, with obloquy. Ms. Streep, undaunted, travels to Canada for her next portrayal of a powerful PM: John Diefenbaker.

Steve's China Adventure

Prime Minister Stephen Harper has announced he will visit China, an event heralded by Chinese media as "the most exciting since the visit of Richard Nixon."

The PM has been studying intensely for this important meeting with the world's fastest growing economic power. He has been rehearsing "Chopsticks" at the keyboard, learning Confuciunisms from old Charlie Chan movies ("John Baird," he says, "can be Number One Son"), and ordering dim sum in the parliamentary dining room. His favorite dish is chicken feet. "Chicken feet," he laughs, "that's what I used to call Dion and Ignatieff." 

He had been hoping to sing "On a Slow Boat to China" in Beijing,  but the estate of composer Frank Loesser has secured an injunction preventing this. Instead, he will perform a song of his own, one chorus of which follows: 

 "While you folks strive and toil

  We're the ones who've got the oil.

  You and me should have a chat

  When we get the stuff to Kitimat."

Foreign Fomenters

In recent times, unrest in various countries has been blamed, by the countries' leaders, on "external sources," foreigners, radicals, even terrorists who have entered their land to foment dissent.

This is the story being told by Syria's Basher al-Assad, as it was by Muammar Gaddafi (remember him?) and now, Canada has joined the club, as Natural Resources minister Joe Oliver claims that opposition to the proposed Enbridge pipeline has been orchestrated by (shudder!) non-Canadians.

Two points: 1. Joe (and al-Assad, et al.) have no problem accepting funds from outside their countries, but that's it.  Send the money and stay out of our stuff. 2. Joe (et al.) are unwilling to admit there may be genuine opposition from citizens of their own lands. This is known as denial.

Although, who knows? They may be right. there may be a sinister international syndicate--Foreign Fomenters, Inc.--ready to come in and mess up any country. 

Check out their website.

Watch out for those Socialist Billionaires!

Joe Oliver, Canada's Minister of Natural Resources (not to be confused with legendary jazz cornetist King Oliver, whose straight name also was Joe) complained today of environmentalists and others opposed to a pipeline that would carry oil from Alberta to the Pacific.

These people, said Joe, appear to be motivated by ideology. A curious charge for a Harper Conservative to make. What Joe meant was that the environmentalists' ideology is different from the Conservatives' ideology, which would make it wrong, if not totally evil.

Then Joe unleashed a warning: the protesters, he said, are being funded by Socialist billionaires in the United States. We didn't know there were a lot of Socialist billionaires in the United States. But if you meet one, please give him our number. Our motto: "Ideologies-R-Us."

Canucks vs. Bruins redux

Saturday's hockey game in Boston brought together for the first time since last year's Stanley Cup finals the Boston Bruins and Vancouver Canucks. It aso produced some extraordinary moments, including a hit on Sami Salo by Brad Marchand that caused Global TV sportscaster Jay Janower to call Marchand "that little four-letter something you seldom hear on television."

But our favorite post-game comment came from Bruins coach Claude Julien, who said, "If guys start protecting themselves the way Marchand did maybe guys will stop taking runs at other guys because that's the consequences you end up paying for taking runs at guys." Got that, guys?

Neither CBC nor TSN carried the game; it was left to Sportsnet to come through.  Canucks coach Alain Vigneault, tongue firmly in cheek, said it could not have been an important game, as no major network bothered to pick it up. 

One would have thought that network programmers might have anticipated a hot contest between last year's Stanley Cup rivals--especially when a look at the schedule revealed it would be the only regular season match-up of Canucks and Bruins. 

But there's always post-season and playoffs. Anyone for another round of Bruins vs. Canucks? 

The Feast of Epiphany

January 6, Christians celebrate the Feast of the Epiphany, and the church calendar moves into what is known as the Epiphany octave. It is the period for remembering, and thinking about, the journey  of the Magi (Wise Men, Three Kings) to see the Christ child.

In addition to the Biblical account, there are a number of literary improvisations on the story of the Magi, the best known, probably, being T.S. Eliot's poem ("A cold coming we had of it/Just the worst time of the year/For a journey"). But there are other writings attuned to Epiphany, and two of the most rewarding are "Journey of the Magi" by Paul William Roberts and "The Four Wise Men" by Michel Tournier. 

Roberts, primarily a journalist, who lives in Toronto, tells the often funny story of his retracing, by car and camel, of the Magi's route, from Iran through Iraq and Syria to Israel. Tournier's novel is fanciful, a bit fantastic, and ultimately profound and moving.  

A work we remember with great pleasure, but have mislaid, even forgotten its title, is a charming narrative poem that ends with the Magi returning home, but leaving a camel for the child and his friends to ride and play with in the great sandbox of the desert.

We wish us all, in the year 2012, a few epiphanies of our own.  

Breaking News

Economic statisticians reported today that Canada's top CEOs (Costly Excessive Oligarchs) had earned as much, in the first two and one-half days of 2012, as the average Canadian will earn in the entire year. We think that shows that the CEOs deserve an extra-long coffee break this afternoon.

In British Columbia, the provincial government's program to help smokers give up nicotine is proving effective. However, a recent analysis of the patches distributed by the Christy Clark regime indicate that they also contain a powerful anti-Adrian Dix drug. 

The situation in the Persian Gulf grew tense today as US aircraft carriers gave the Iranian navy the Clint Eastwood stare. A spokesman for Iran retorted, "What the Americans do not know is that we have developed a gigantic nuclear falafel."

Finally, latest polls from Iowa show the favorite in tonight's Republican caucus vote to be Bart Simpson.