For philatelists who are also football fans, there could be no better news: Canada Post is issuing a series of stamps saluting the Grey Cup Centennial. The one-hundredth Grey Cup game will be played November 25 in Toronto.
The stamps were designed by Toronto artist Bensimon Byrne, and each of the eight Canadian Football League teams has a stamp of its own. Among the players featured are record-setters Geroy Simon and Lui Pasaglia of the BC Lions, the diminutive but explosive Pinball Clemons, and the enormously likable Tom Wilkinson, an Andy of Mayberry kinda guy, who was Edmonton Eskimos' quarterback in the pre-Warren Moon days.
We are only sorry that there is not a stamp picturing Fred Stamps, the Eskimos' outstanding wide receiver. If there were, we could say we're collecting Stamps stamps.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Missing Memoranda
From: Republican National Committee
To: Campaign Workers
As you know, Presidential nominee Mitt Romney has named his Vice-Presidential running mate: Representative Paul Ryan. Following that announcement, a brainstorming session led to the development of the following campaign slogan, which you are urged to employ at every opportunity:
"Rally 'Round Romney and Ryan, Real Rabid Right-wing Republicans!"
From: Broadcast Chief, CBC
To: Music Programmers
While there is a significant amount of rap music being played on Radio 2, very little is Canadian. You are directed to program more Canadian rap, or, as our hip friends call it, "C.Rap." Yes, we need more C.Rap music on our network.
From: Office of the British Columbia Premier
To: All Canadian Provincial Premiers
You are cordially invited to the next Premiers Conference, to be held in Victoria. However, in light of recent criticism of high spending in government circles, this year's formal dinner will be held in Beacon Hill Park. BYOB. And a bag lunch.
To: Campaign Workers
As you know, Presidential nominee Mitt Romney has named his Vice-Presidential running mate: Representative Paul Ryan. Following that announcement, a brainstorming session led to the development of the following campaign slogan, which you are urged to employ at every opportunity:
"Rally 'Round Romney and Ryan, Real Rabid Right-wing Republicans!"
From: Broadcast Chief, CBC
To: Music Programmers
While there is a significant amount of rap music being played on Radio 2, very little is Canadian. You are directed to program more Canadian rap, or, as our hip friends call it, "C.Rap." Yes, we need more C.Rap music on our network.
From: Office of the British Columbia Premier
To: All Canadian Provincial Premiers
You are cordially invited to the next Premiers Conference, to be held in Victoria. However, in light of recent criticism of high spending in government circles, this year's formal dinner will be held in Beacon Hill Park. BYOB. And a bag lunch.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Always Be Polite to the Officials
Members of Canada's women's soccer team are under scrutiny by FIFA, the international football organization, for criticizing the referee at the Olympic Games' Canada-US match. Clearly these young women had never heard of the Alex Burrows Rule, which states: never say anything that might offend someone who wears a striped shirt and a whistle.
As a penalty, players may have to write "I must never say anything bad about an official" 500 times.
"I must never say anything bad about an official. I must never say anything bad about an official. I must never say anything bad about an official. I must never say anything bad about an official. I must never say anything bad about an official, even when they do something incredibly stupid."
Christine!!
As a penalty, players may have to write "I must never say anything bad about an official" 500 times.
"I must never say anything bad about an official. I must never say anything bad about an official. I must never say anything bad about an official. I must never say anything bad about an official. I must never say anything bad about an official, even when they do something incredibly stupid."
Christine!!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Gore Vidal has left the room.
Gore Vidal has departed this world, leaving behind a trail of scalps from both written criticism and talk show encounters.
Vidal may have been best known for his novel "Myra Breckenridge," film cameos, historical studies, and talk show feuds, but he deserves to be remembered for his essays, some of the most incisive and elegant of the past century.
He goes now where all good writers go: to matched volumes in the Library of America. (Bad writers go to remainder tables.) Presumably in the hereafter he will once again be able to trade barbs with William R. Buckley, Truman Capote and Norman Mailer (who, it is said, once head-butted him in a TV studio green room).
Please, no head-butting while wearing haloes.
Vidal may have been best known for his novel "Myra Breckenridge," film cameos, historical studies, and talk show feuds, but he deserves to be remembered for his essays, some of the most incisive and elegant of the past century.
He goes now where all good writers go: to matched volumes in the Library of America. (Bad writers go to remainder tables.) Presumably in the hereafter he will once again be able to trade barbs with William R. Buckley, Truman Capote and Norman Mailer (who, it is said, once head-butted him in a TV studio green room).
Please, no head-butting while wearing haloes.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Off-Site Olympic Games
"This is Bart Falafel, Pointless Digressions' man at the Olympic Games in London. But not the usual games. No, leave it to the conventional media to cover weight lifting and discus hurling. We're reporting from the Octopus and Squid Public House in South Chippington, where the Pub Grub Championships are being held.
"Already we have some impressive performances. In the Conspicuous Consumption event, Lyle Flatula of the USA has put away massive amounts of pork scratchings, pickled eggs, steak and kidney pud, bangers and mash, and jellied eel. To keep it going, Lyle has also knocked back barrels of bitter, Guinness, bucks fizz, Pimms, scrumpy and shandy. Well done, Lyle!
"Turning now to the Cockney Slang competition, we find Winston Wallaby of Australia well ahead with his mastery of such terms as weasel and stoat, butcher's hook, treacle and strife, and daffadown dilly. Good on you, Winston! Keep them coming!
"Finally, looking at the Darts competition, we see fine form. There was an unfortunate upset, however, when hometown hero Basil Smithe was disqualified, after his dart pierced the pub owner's posterior. Smithe explained that he had been distracted by the sudden appearance of a comely bar maid, and believes she may have deliberately been placed in his line of vision by rival hurlers.
"Stay tuned for more news of international competition at the Pub Grub Championships. No gold medals here, but those triumphing in first place will receive coveted Octopus and Squid laminated coasters.
"This is Bart Falafel, returning you to the P.D. desk, and heading to the bar."
"Already we have some impressive performances. In the Conspicuous Consumption event, Lyle Flatula of the USA has put away massive amounts of pork scratchings, pickled eggs, steak and kidney pud, bangers and mash, and jellied eel. To keep it going, Lyle has also knocked back barrels of bitter, Guinness, bucks fizz, Pimms, scrumpy and shandy. Well done, Lyle!
"Turning now to the Cockney Slang competition, we find Winston Wallaby of Australia well ahead with his mastery of such terms as weasel and stoat, butcher's hook, treacle and strife, and daffadown dilly. Good on you, Winston! Keep them coming!
"Finally, looking at the Darts competition, we see fine form. There was an unfortunate upset, however, when hometown hero Basil Smithe was disqualified, after his dart pierced the pub owner's posterior. Smithe explained that he had been distracted by the sudden appearance of a comely bar maid, and believes she may have deliberately been placed in his line of vision by rival hurlers.
"Stay tuned for more news of international competition at the Pub Grub Championships. No gold medals here, but those triumphing in first place will receive coveted Octopus and Squid laminated coasters.
"This is Bart Falafel, returning you to the P.D. desk, and heading to the bar."
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Ms. Clark vs. Ms. Redford
The gathering of Canadian provincial premiers in Halifax is shaping up as The Clark and Redford Show. It is no secret that the premiers of Alberta and British Columbia have about the same sisterly fondness for each other as that shared by Lillian Hellman and Mary McCarthy.
We have imagined the following scene:
Premier Clark and Premier Redford turn up at a formal dinner wearing identical dresses.
Clark: "Good evening, Premier Redneck. I mean Redford."
Redford: "Well, Premier Clark. Still slipping down in the polls? Perhaps you should become a poll dancer. Ha ha. "
Clark: "Getting oiled again tonight, Alison?"
We look forward to the film, starring Jane Fonda and Meryl Streep.
We have imagined the following scene:
Premier Clark and Premier Redford turn up at a formal dinner wearing identical dresses.
Clark: "Good evening, Premier Redneck. I mean Redford."
Redford: "Well, Premier Clark. Still slipping down in the polls? Perhaps you should become a poll dancer. Ha ha. "
Clark: "Getting oiled again tonight, Alison?"
We look forward to the film, starring Jane Fonda and Meryl Streep.
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