The Russian Culinary Collusion

Don, Jr.: "I took the meeting only because she offered me the secret recipe for Beef Stroganoff."

Investigator Mueller: "And you did not communicate this information to your father, aka the President?"

D.Jr.: "No, sir. I had hoped it might be the recipe for Chicken Kiev. We would have loved that."

Mueller: "And that was the extent of the meeting?"

D.Jr.: "Except for a few rounds of Moscow Mules."

Mueller: "Not surprising your memory failed you after that."

D.Jr.: "Glad you understand. Care for some Siberian reindeer jerky?"

Happy Hour at the Kremlin

"President Trump, welcome to my humble worker domain."

"Thanks, Vlad--can I call you Vlad? Y'know, this place could be fixed up swell, I mean I bring my guys in, they do a makeover--it could be the Trump Moscow Tower."

"?"

"I mean, the Trump-Putin Tower, of course."

"Mr. Trump, let me offer you some traditional Russian refreshment."

"Well, thanks, Vlad, but as you may know, I don't drink alcohol."

"Oh, is not alcohol. Just a light fruit drink."

"Really? What's it called?"

"Stolichnaya. Here, let me pour you a glass."

"Umm--that's not bad, Vlad. I was feeling a little wrecked after meeting with all those G-20 losers, but this Stolich..what's it called? Whatever it is, I'm feeling better already."

"How nice. Allow me to refill that tumbler."

"Schwell, Vlad. Now maybe we should get down to what I'm here to talk about. Whatever that was. I've got notes here somewhere."

"I believe it was your clever idea to make a deal on selling us back Alaska. Oh look, Don--your glass is empty."

"You're one heck of a hosht, Vlad.  Holy moley, love that Stoly. Hey, howzat for a slogan? Just off the top of my head!"

"Very clever. Sergei, write that down."

"Should I say it again, Mr. Laptop?"

"No need. I have it, in all its wonderfulness."

"Now, Vlad--isn't there something about cyber security we're supposed to dishcush?'

"You know, Don, all that hacking talk is nonsense. How you put it? Fake news. Our only computer interest is in video games. Let's get back to Alaska."

"Don't think I have a hotel there. Not that I remember."

"In that case, perhaps you would agree to return that worthless piece of land to us--for an acceptable price, of course."

"Why not? Always ready to make a deal."

"Suppose we agree on the price your United States paid us, minus a reasonable discount for the advanced age of the property, and decades of wear and tear. I have a contract here. Let me top up your glass while you sign. Sergei, give Mr. Trump a pen."

"There you are, Vlad--done and done."

"Excellent. And now, unfortunately, I must conclude this pleasant meeting. Sergei will help you back to your car. I, meanwhile, will return to a book I am writing."

"Really? What's it called?"

"Thank you for asking. It's 'The Art of the Steal'."

Sounds of Summer

"Ain't It Awful, the Heat?"

The thermometer says it's time to bring back that Maxwell Anderson-Kurt Weill song from "Street Scene." Or maybe Cole Porter's "Too Darn Hot." Or Duke Ellington's "Harlem Air Shaft."

But here's what we're thinking of:

"The laughter of small children splashing in backyard pools...the tinkle of ice cubes in a glass..the welcome whir of an air conditioner. And the sounds of summer, on CHQM."

A pleasant day to all who remember QM's "Moods of Vancouver," and especially those now working the mike on the Paradise spot on the dial.

The Glorious Fourth

Louis Armstrong and George M. Cohan may not actually have been born on the Fourth of July, but, as the newspaper editor in "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance" dictated, "When the legend becomes fact, print the legend."

It is true, however, that on the Fourth of July, 1826, the fiftieth anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, two former US Presidents--John Adams and Thomas Jefferson--shuffled off this mortal coil.

This is the day to sing:

"I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy,
Yankee Doodle, do or die,
A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam,
Born on the Fourth of July."

But the song we've been thinking of is the one Henry Gibson, playing a kind of Hank Snow character, sings at the beginning of Robert Altman's "Nashville," set in 1976, the United States' bicentennial:

"We must be doin' something right,
 To last two hundred years."

A Glorious Fourth to all, and especially descendants of Bad Axe, Michigan.

What else is old?

Okay, Canada is 150 years old, a mere toddler in the zillion-year history of the planet, but still something to celebrate. But, you may ask, what else is there to remember about the year 1867, the year of Confederation? Well, a few things, including these items:

* Russia sold Alaska to the United States (a $7.2 million bargain)

* Mark Twain published "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County"

* Karl Marx published "Das Kapital"--not as funny as "The Celebrated Jumping Frog"

* Johann Strauss composed "The Blue Danube"

* Joseph Lister developed antiseptics

* Alfred Nobel produced dynamite

* Diamonds were discovered in South Africa

A happy 150th to diamond cutters, blasters, waltzers and jumping frogs.

Warm Weather Words

Summer reading for the man who said his house is "a furnace" and the woman who claimed that the temperature in her apartment at midnight was 31 degrees celsius:

"There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen. You can even get a full glass of beer in a cocktail lounge."

                                                   Raymond Chandler, "Red Wind."

The Trump Tapes

The White House had been given until the end of this week to produce tapes--if any exist--of conversations between US President Donald Trump and FBI Director James Comey.

Trump has now said, "I have no tapes of those conversations."

"However," he continued, "I do have some treasured 8-tracks of the Lawrence Welk Show, which I would be happy to lend to the Congressional investigators."