Grey Cup Upsets

Several residents of Botox, Saskatchewan, faced the stomach pump after consuming a pot of turkey chili.  Wilbur Scragg, host for the Grey Cup party, said, "We figured we better hurry up and eat that turkey because it'd been lookin' pretty sick all week."

Another Grey Cup party held in Fallen Arches, Sask., produced what several of those attending described as "the Big Momma of hangovers." Guests had been served what host Orville Mintz called his "Big Green Machine Cocktail," a blend of spinach juice and rye.  Mintz defended his punch, saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  

Finally, Marvin Flinders of Wishbone, Sask., found he was unable to remove his watermelon helmet, which he had attached to his head with Crazy Glue.  "But," said Marvin, "look on the bright side:  I won't have to go huntin' for a watermelon next fall."

Job Hunting

"Danny!  Hi, Gord here.  Gord, you remember--we met at the First Ministers Conference.  The guy with the big potash?  No, that would be Brad Wall of Saskatchewan.  Oh, sorry--I thought you said 'potash.' Ha ha.  

"Well, on to the reason for my call.  Dan, I commend you for following your bliss, or whatever you folks on The Rock call it, and I wish you all the very best.  But Dan, boyo--all right if I call you boyo?--your leaving will leave a huge gap in your province's government, and you need someone with depth of experience to fill that spot.

"Now, as luck would have it, I find I will be available in February, and--Dan?  Dan?  Have we been cut off?  

"Maybe I should try half an hour later in Newfoundland."

Nathanael West

Consulting "A Book of Days for the Literary Year," one of the many sources from which we steal material, we note that on this date in 1921, Nathanael West flunked out of Tufts, where he had gained admission by using the high school transcripts of someone who happened to have the same name. 

This is only one of the reasons to admire Nathanael West (ne Nathan Von Wallenstein Weinstein--and what are the chances of finding someone else with that name?); another is his habit, while managing his family's Kenmore Hall Hotel, of letting his indigent artist, writer and musician friends live there rent-free.

Okay, the main reason to raise a glass to the memory of Nathanael West is the set of short novels he published, two of which--"Miss Lonelyhearts" and "The Day of the Locust"--are modern classics.

West was married to Eileen McKenney, the original of "My Sister Eileen," which has to be one more reason to admire him.  

Both were killed in a motor vehicle accident.  West was thirty-seven years old. 

The Political Scene...such as it is

A reader writes:  "Who was British Columbia's last Liberal premier?"

Answer:  Mike Harcourt.

Reader Two writes:  "What will happen if a half-dozen cabinet ministers compete for leadership of the Liberals?"

Answer:  A crew is ready to film a new reality TV show: "Survivor--BC Politics."

Finally, this query:  "Is it true the NDP was at its best when it had only two sitting MLAs, Joy McPhail and Jenny Kwan?" 

Answer:  Often, less is more.

Political Leaders Respond

Besieged political leaders Gordon Campbell and Carole James today responded to criticisms of their performance.

First, Premier (still) Campbell:  "I am not a bully.  I am a kind, sensitive, caring person, fond of children, dumb animals and cabinet ministers.  What's more, I am much slimmer than television cameras make me appear."

Next, NDP leader (still) James:  "I am pleased to say that I have the overwhelming support of our caucus members.  Besides that, I am hotter than Jenny Kwan.  Note to caucus loyalists: consider those yellow scarves your Christmas gift." 

Is there an opening now for a new party in British Columbia? "Indeed,"said one veteran political analyst. "I'm predicting enormous gains for the Tupperware Party."  

 

Chuck Davis has the Last Word

Chuck Davis was a wordsmith; that is, he made his living by moving words around.  It may not have been a lavish living--wordsmiths do not rank with, for example, orthodontists--but it can be fun, and it keeps one from being forced, in Dave Barry's words, to get an actual job. 

Our friend Chuck wrote newspaper columns, magazine articles and books; he was a disc jockey, news reader and host of a quiz show; he played Scrabble at the international tournament level; and he created crossword puzzles and anagrams.  "Saturday Night" was pleased to publish his anagram of "Robertson Davies."  It read "Read it over, snobs."  David Letterman received his anagram of "Late Show with David Letterman."  Chuck rearranged the letters to spell "Love that lewd, twisted hair, man!"  In short, Chuck Davis did what Myles Murchison, another excellent and protean wordsmith, called "the heterogeneous other work necessary to stay afloat as a writer in Canada."  

Chuck's magnum opus, his version of Balzac's "Human Comedy," was a history of Vancouver, in which he hoped to cram every known and obscure fact about the city and its inhabitants.  It was an heroic undertaking, but some of us wish he had taken time off to write what might have been more entertaining: his autobiography. 

He ended a magazine column aptly titled Wordbrain with these lines: "A Great Mystery, this placing of words.  And when I've figured it out, you'll be the first to know." 

We'll be waiting.  

Prime Time Broadcast from Victoria

"Good evening, fellow British Columbians.  I'm here to clear up a few misunderstandings regarding my totally benevolent rule of this province.  Now, I know many are wondering 'Is our Premier a bully?'  I am here to state categorically, I am not a bully."

"Uh, sir?  You might want to put your arms down and stop giving the V sign.  Too strong an association with you-know-who."

"Thank you, whoever you are.  Don't interrupt again unless you want to be assigned to swabbing the heads on BC Ferries.  Now, where was I?  Ah, yes.  To prove my point, i have with me some of my loyal minions, I mean colleagues.  Here they are now--Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful and Doc."

"Excuse me, sir, but where are Happy and Grumpy?"

"There is no Happy in this group, and Grumpy was kicked out.  Back to my address.  It is said that I control my team with abusive, intimidating behavior.  I ask my assembled slaves:  is that true?"

"No sir, not at--ouch!--all, sir."

"Sleepy, wake up and read your lines!  And it has been said that I sometimes shout in people's face, spraying them with spit.  Is that true?"

"No sir, never, un-uh."

"Thank you.  Here, have a Kleenex.  And finally, is it not preposterous that some claim I am given to profane rage?'

"What some disgruntled people will say."

"Exactly.  Totally *&#$%+! PREPOSTEROUUUS!!  Thank you for joining me in this fireside chat.  Now, any questions?"

"Just one, sir.  What will you do after leaving office?"

"Well, I could get out my old guitar; I hear that hootenannies are coming back.  Or I could be a spokesperson for Jenny Craig.  But why worry?  Who says I'm leaving?"

"Uh--you did, sir."

"Yeah?  Just wait 'til the leadership convention."

Hit Song of the Week in Victoria

Won't you come back, Bill Bennett?

Won't you come back?

We miss you in our mob.

Please say you'll come back, Bill Bennett,

Say you'll come back.

We'll give you your old job.

I'm sorry I spat on you

And drove you to tears--

I guess that's just my style.

But say you'll come back, Bill Bennett,

Say you'll come back,

And then we all will smile!

Gord? Still here?

Gordon Campbell's reluctance to leave office after resigning as Premier of British Columbia is proving to be a source of frustration for many Liberal MLAs who were prepared to say "Adios, Gordo!"

We are reminded of an episode when playwright George S. Kaufman encountered a Hollywood colleague on the lot days after the other writer had announced he was leaving for New York. "Well," said Kaufman, "here you are, forgotten but not gone."   

Air Canada finds Fountain of Youth

Air Canada announced today it has discovered the long sought Fountain of Youth.  At a news conference hosted in part by the publishers of "Parapsychology Today" and "Weird Tales," an airline spokesman revealed the location of the Fountain of Youth.  "It is," he said, "in the bathroom of our plane flying from Shanghai." 

Amid gasps, Air Canada spokesman Fernand Lariviere continued his riveting account:  "It was thought," he said, "that the passenger who boarded the plane as an elderly person and emerged from the bathroom as a fresh-faced youth had been traveling in disguise.  But no!  The truth is, that passenger did indeed board as a wrinkled, decrepit octogenarian, but, once exposed to the magic of Air Canada's exclusive, trade mark registered Fountain of Youth, was magically transformed into a young, virile, I might even say hot, young man of twenty-five."

Reporters scrambled to file their stories, while Air Canada introduced its new marketing program:  The Fountain of Youth Tour.  Special rates for seniors. 

Write and Grow Rich

November 8:  This date in 1900, Theodore Dreiser's first novel, "Sister Carrie," was published.  A total of 456 copies was sold, earning Dreiser royalties of $68.40.

This may not seem much, but it was more than ten times the royalties William Faulkner received for "Soldier's Pay."  That early novel brought the chronicler of Oknapatawpha County (and future Nobel Prize winner) a staggering six dollars.  

And people wonder why writers drink.

Movember Moustaches

Again this year, this month has been renamed "Movember," the "Mo" standing for "Moustache." The idea behind this is that by growing a moustache, men will draw attention to the need for research/treatment/prevention of prostate cancer.  Okay, you figure out the connection.

When the moustache had a resurgence of popularity, in the late 1960s and early 1970s, the most common style was the Pancho Villa (or the Emiliano Zapata, depending on one's choice of Mexican revolutionary). Today, most tyro moustache growers seem to favor either the Hulk Hogan, which makes the wearer look as though he had been eating linguine con vongole or coconut cream pie, or the Sydney Crosby, a style not seen since Charlie Chaplin's in "Monsieur Verdoux" and which resembles a small insect crawling across the upper lip.

So far as we know, no one has essayed the Salvador Dali, and no one is likely to beat the record for length of Birger Pellas of Malmo, Sweden, whose moustache had grown, by the mid-1990s, to ten feet. If he has not trimmed it since then, he can wrap himself in it on cold winter nights. 

Where is respect for the noble moustache?  Why are we not emulating the great moustache wearers of yesteryear--Ronald Colman..Errol Flynn..Cesar Romero..Alice B. Toklas?

Good luck cultivating your facial foliage this Movember.  As for us--please pass the moustache wax.

  

In Breathless Pursuit

We were surprised, reading a review in the Times Literary Supplement of a collection of letters to and from Bruce Chatwin to come across a name very familiar, but not one we expected to find in the TLS.

A letter sent to Chatwin near the end of his life, when the author of "In Patagonia" was in a hypomaniacal phase--the result of both AIDS and a rare Chinese fungus that attacked his brain--is described by reviewer William Dalrymple as "a loving farewell note." 

The letter writer had visited Chatwin, and left, he said, full of "dark and strange thoughts. You seemed in a realm of exultation--extreme physical dilapidation seems to have sent you shooting up into the sky with the angels...Over it all hung an unmistakable air of Nunc Dimittis...It is quite possible that you experience this apparent frenzy from inside some deep calm...But those who love you--and see only the outside--see someone haunted and in breathless pursuit.  I'm not sure it is among the offices of friendship to convey my sense of foreboding and disquiet at how I saw you.  I may just be expressing a friend's regret at losing you to a great wave of conviction, to some gust of certainty, that leaves me here, rooted to the spot and you carried away.  In which case, I can only wave you onto your journey."

Dalrymple called this "perhaps the single most wonderful letter in the [554-page] volume" and the editors chose a phrase from it--"in breathless pursuit"--to be the title of the review.

The writer of that letter?  Michael Ignatieff.

Adieu, Gordo

British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell, waddling his way to a microphone, announced today that he would vacate his position as Big Cheese of the province.  It was an announcement that left nine percent of the electorate bereft. 

Almost immediately, Premier Campbell's accomplishments in office were recalled--mainly by Mr. Campbell. 

Attention now turns to who may be the next leader of the party masquerading as Liberals.  It is thought Mr. Peanut and Dr. Bundolo may come out of retirement, but the great hope on the scene is new British Columbian Randy Quaid.  

A spokesperson said "Mr. Quaid has shown his ability in following a clown by playing second banana to Chevy Chase in the National Lampoon Vacations films. We believe he has what is required to take British Columbians to their next HST, PMS or LSD."  

Meanwhile, the rumor that Roseanne Barr may take over the NDP from Carole James remains unconfirmed.   

Health Notes from All Over

A trio of Canadian doctors has issued a news release stating that KFC's 540-calorie Double Down (bacon, cheese and the Colonel's secret sauce, sandwiched between fried chicken breasts) is better for you than one egg yolk.  The doctors have received the Colonel Sanders Award for Medical Breakthroughs and a special deal on a bucket of chicken.

In England, the medical journal "The Lancet" has declared that the most dangerous drug of all is alcohol.  This news has meant a quick boost in the share values of crack and crystal meth.  (And we always thought Crystal Meth was an exotic dancer.)

Finally, researchers announced that the best way to avoid catching a cold is to exercise vigorously, twenty minutes a day, five days a week. We launched into a 5BX regimen with a vengeance, and found that the researchers were right:  we have not caught a single cold. However, we do require a hip replacement.  

Spaghetti Legs--The Opera!

A report that Broadway is preparing for a football musical is good news for the pigskin pack. The new show will spin song and dance around the career of Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi, and is titled, you will not be surprised to learn, "Lombardi!" 

This suggests to us that the time is right for a musical--or even opera--about a CFL star. Winnipeg's great Indian Jack Jacobs, perhaps, or Glenn Dobbs, the once revered hero of the Saskatchewan Roughriders: "Dobberville--The Musical" premieres at Mosaic Stadium in Regina!  

There could be a terrific show about the BC Lions' first Grey Cup win in 1964, based on the Dick Beddoes book, with an all-singing, all-dancing cast portraying Joe Kapp, Willie Fleming, Tom Brown, Coach Dave Skrien, et al.

But our choice would be an opera focussed on the career of Jackie Parker--a great project for the Vancouver Opera Association, which has shown itself ready to take risks.  Watch for it--"Spaghetti Legs--The Opera!"  

Who would play Parker?  Someone call Harry Connick, Jr.