Hey, Will; Hey, Kate!

Will and Kate have arrived in Canada. The newly titled Duchess of Cambridge was met, as she descended from the AirBus, by Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird, and showed her pluck by not immediately getting back on the plane. 

Thousands of fans lined the streets of Ottawa, eager for a close-up view of the couple believed by many to be Will and Grace, "Funny," said Irma Smackenfelt of Upper Register, NS, "Eric McCormack looks much different on TV."

Prime Minister Harper said he felt no nervousness at meeting Will and Kate. "I'm very familiar with the titled class," said Harper. "I'm a huge fan of Lady GaGa, and I watched every episode of 'The Dukes of Hazard'." 

Our reporter almost on the scene, Winthrop Currie-Favour, was unfortunately unable to attend the welcoming ceremonies at Rideau Hall, but tweeted this note: "Observed event from Holiday Inn in appropriate manner with bottle of Crown Royal." 

It is hoped that during the Royal Couple's mini-tour of Canada officials will bring out of retirement the waitress who served Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, at a Saskatchewan dinner many years ago. It was she who uttered the most memorable line at that event: "Keep your fork, Dook--there's pie."

Leftover News

Hey, gotta use it up, or it goes bad. If it hasn't already.

1. Philip Roth, winner of this year's Man Booker international Prize, worth roughly $100,000, minus a grand or two, says he has given up reading fiction. Curious for a writer who has, over the past fifty years, turned out some sixty works of fiction, from "Goodbye, Columbus" in 1959 to "Nemesis" in 2011 (all highly recommended by this department). Apparently Roth has given up reading fiction, but not writing it. That's good, cuz we can't get our Phil. 

2. Swooping near attacks on pedestrians by crows have been reported in this neighborhood. One observer suggests the crows are protecting their nests, but we believe they have been watching an old Hitchcock movie on DVD.

3. John Baird has returned from Libya, where he told rebel leaders he was prepared to snarl and bare his teeth at Qaddafi. "Works in Ottawa," said Baird, "should be good in Tripoli." Meanwhile, back in Canada, watch for your mail tomorrow, delivered by Lisa Raitt.

Blogged out

Words of comfort for a mentally blocked blogger, paraphrased from writings of James Thurber:

"With a deadline staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and a definite hardening of the paragraphs." 

Filibusters

As we write, Canada's NDP Members of Parliament are conducting a filibuster intended to delay passage of a government bill that would order Canada Posties back to work so that Canadians will not be deprived of pizza flyers and overdue notices.

We thought it appropriate to examine the filibuster phenomenon. The term "filibuster" is, of course, named for Phil the Buster, the legendary bomb hurler. 

But seriously, folks, the filibuster can be traced back to Cato the Younger in 60 B.C. In recent times, the record for filibustering was set in 1977 by Texas State Senator Bill Meier who spoke for--get this--forty-three hours.  

The filibuster delivered by James Stewart in "Mr. Smith goes to Washington" is well-known to Turner Classic Movie viewers, but the best filibuster on film, in our far from humble opinion, is Bob Hope's, in the 1941 political satire "Louisiana Purchase." 

Demand this film at your local DVD store. And if it doesn't have it, deliver a filibuster of your own, right there on the mall.

Today in Politics

Liberal staff members of the BC government have been directed to take their holidays by August and then "say goodbye to your families." Observers believe this signals a fall election, but Premier Christy Clark remains coy: "That's for me to know," she said,"and for you to find out."

In a move intended to increase understanding between the government and the serfs..uh, electorate..Premier Clark has appointed onetime television person Pamela Martin as her "Outreach" representative. The appointment was made through the Bloy Payback Program, an initiative named for Cabinet Minister Harry ("I was there for you first, Christy!") Bloy.  

Still with BC politics, the government has declared war on salt. Health Minister Mike de Jong was seen in Ottawa's parliamentary restaurant sweeping salt shakers off tables, appearing to be a cross between Carrie Nation and a temperamental French chef. The BC government, alert to the health hazard of too much salt on your fries, is taking action. Health Minister de Jong has introduced a bill banning the expression "salt of the earth." "Henceforth," he announced, "it will be sodium chloride substitute of the earth." 

Also in Ottawa, John Baird paused while handing out mail carrier bags to MPs to say the Conservative government will bring forward a motion to outlaw opposition parties. "They are," said Baird, "an impediment to our ability to rule. I mean govern."

Summertime and the livin' is sleazy--oops, sorry--easy

Oldest song in the English language:

Svmer is icumen in

Lhude sing cuccu!

Growep sed and blowep med

and springp pbe wde nu.

Sing cuccu!

Or, for those not entirely comfortable with Middle English: 

Summer is a-coming in

Loudly sing cuckoo

Groweth seed and bloweth mead

and springs the wood anew.

Sing cuckoo!

June 21 is the first day of summer. Watch for television weather reporters everywhere singing this song.

Ma Green's Riot Report

"Yis, I saw that fracas last Wednesday night. Disgraceful, I call it. Disgraceful! Of course, as our friends in the media keep tellin' us, those wasn't Vancouver people involved in the window smashin' and car burnin'. No, they was Martians.

"And those wasn't hockey fans, either. Mebbe those hooligans was wearin' $200 Canucks sweaters, but they probly stole 'em off the backs of some real fans.

"Sure, it was a good idea they shut the liquor stores early. But did you see what the street vendors was peddlin'? Riot Cola.

"I'm goin' out now to sweep up some glass and write a sonnet on the boarded-up Bay windows. This is Ma Green, sayin' keep cheery, dearie."

Father's Day cards for Special Situations

Hallmark Cards is proud to announce a new series of Father's Day greetings for what it terms "special situations." A sampling follows: 

"We'd love to give you a warm hug

If they'd let us see you in the jug. 

Daddy-o, we love you so, Number 217350.

Happy Father's Day! No bars to our affection!"

"We love you, Papa, we're not bitter

Though you ran off with our baby sitter.

Happy Father's Day, wherever you are.

P.S.: All she ever did was read comic books,

entertain her boy friend and steal your Scotch. 

For this you paid six bucks an hour?"

"To you, dear parent, our love is tendered.

You're still our Pop though now transgendered.

Happy--uh--Father's Day. Or whatever." 

Morning After the Morning After

It has been reported that many of those over-exuberant fans attending Wednesday night's riot have been posting photos and comments on YouTube. 

Not all are happy, however: Wendy Wonkerslee says "I broke into a ladies wear store and couldn't find anything I liked in my size. What kind of store is that?"

Similarly, Alvin Knickerton writes "Went to all the trouble to bust my way into Chapters and could not turn up a copy of the new Gandhi biography. How will I ever achieve inner peace?"

Vance Dinwoody, however, is ecstatic: "Nabbed this gorgeous mannequin out of a Bay swimsuit display. We are now engaged!"

Meanwhile, some persons are said to be selling their ill-gotten plunder on-line. Shocking! (Anyone want to buy a slightly used ATM?) 

Bewildered Canucks fans ask...

"Who was that masked man?"

...as Tim Thomas rides into the sunset. 

The Ma Green Political Scene

Some readers may remember Ma Green, the Harold Gray cartoon character who offered trenchant comments on the political scene. We are pleased to report that we have located Ma Green, and henceforth she will present her observations here. Take it away, Ma.

"Sure, and I don't know why yer Mister Harper is so upset about the problems at Air Canada and Canada Post. Why, din't he lock out Parliament a couple times hisself?

"And by the way, should any of my creditors be tuned in, your cheques is in the mail."

Hey, Chester--remember book stores?

Publishers Weekly reports that bookstore sales rose 1.8% in April. That's the good news. The bad news is that a lot of those sales came from stores closing out.

Vancouver has lost yet another independent bookstore, the kind of store of which the city once had many. At one time Vancouver had more bookstores per capita than any other city in Canada. Now most are gone, joining record shops, embattled DVD outlets, and neighborhood Mom and Pop grocery stores, lost to giant retailers and the digital revolution. Why go out to a store when you can sit at home and order on-line? An agoraphobic's dream.

The digital onslaught is expected to continue in other areas of life. This, for instance, may be one of the last seasons when we see actual live hockey players on the ice. With the increasing sophistication of robotics and artificial intelligence, club owners may soon be able to send out teams of androids to battle each other. Many owners welcome this news, recognizing that while the initial cost may be high, the long-term savings potential is terrific--only a few parts to be replaced and some rewiring necessary.  

And then--first the players, next the fans. It is a sci-fi writer's ominous dream. 

Do what you can to halt the tide. Find a bookstore, doing business somewhere in a walk-in closet. Locate a record shop in an abandoned telephone booth. There is still time. 

Maybe.

Cry of an Anguished Fan

"Say it isn't so, Vigneault!"

Watch for the Mail

Canada Post has announced that in this temporary period of worker unrest, mail in urban centres will be delivered only three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

In further clarification, Veronica Watermark has made it known that Mondays will be reserved for delivery of bills and chain letters; Wednesdays will be given to pizza flyers, realtors' cards and funeral home brochures; Friday you may expect cheques, declarations of love, acceptance letters from publishers, and news of inherited wealth, property and title from a great-uncle you never knew you had.

Tuesdays and Thursdays, mail carriers will be replacing Air Canada baggage handlers.

Life Begins at 90

We don't know if there is a Royal Astrologer ("Madame LaZonga, by appointment to Her Majesty") but it seems to us yesterday's reports of the ninetieth birthday of the Duke of Edinburgh were remiss in not providing a horoscope.

Left to stargazing of our own, we can report that Prince Philip is a Gemini, and, born on June 10, lives "a roller-coaster of highs and lows..is wildly romantic, vulnerable and kind...a loving mate...a person who loves to perform...and, while good at math, not at ease managing his own finances, so he looks to his mate to handle money."

Meanwhile, it is worth noting that Prince Philip has joined the company of eminent nonagenarians. Among those who preceded him were tennis glamor girl Helen Wills, who won the Wimbledon singles eight times, and could still hop over the net at 93; P.G. Wodehouse, creator of Jeeves and more than 100 novels, who departed this vale of laughter at 94; and John Gielgud, who made eight films after turning ninety, finally going to black at 96. 

Among nonagenarians happily still with us are Dave Brubeck and Dal Richards. This suggests the possibility of a trio, with Dal on sax, Brubeck on piano, and Philip? Well, perhaps he'd have a run at singing. He clearly has strong views on vocal performance. At a 1969 concert, he asked Tom Jones "What do you gargle with? Pebbles?"

Happy Birthday, Admiral Phil

It is the ninetieth birthday of Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, and among his gifts are a coin bearing his likeness from the Royal Mint and a new title bestowed by the missus: Lord High Admiral of the Navy.

Prince Philip has said he is nearing his "sell-by date," but he appears very fit, as might be expected of someone who daily performs the rigorous RCAF 5BX workout regimen. 

What many of his fans are hoping for is a collection of Admiral Phil's off-the-cuff remarks, including the following:

To the President of Nigeria, in full ceremonial dress: "You look like you're ready for bed."

To a Scottish driving instructor: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"

Prior to a performance by Madonna: "Are we going to need ear plugs?"

To a trekker returned from Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get eaten, then."

To the US Ambassador, on receiving a basket of American foods: "Where's the Southern Comfort?"

To a fashion writer: Might you be wearing "mink knickers?"

At a science exhibit, viewing robots: "They aren't mating, are they?"

To Cate Blanchett: Would you have a look at fixing my DVD player "as you're in the film industry?"

At a 2004 dinner: "Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!"

We say, give him his own TV show!

Good News for Hockey Fans

The cheering news for hockey fans is that football is about to start.

The first CFL pre-season game is set for June 15: BC Lions at Calgary Stampeders. The regular season opens June 30: BC at Montreal.

The first game in the new BC Place Stadium will take place September 30...or so we are told.

And this is Vancouver's year to be host for the Grey Cup: November 27 at BC Place (or somewhere).

Now please get this to the people with Canucks tattoos and haircuts who are still yelling "Sweep! Sweep!"

Literary history

June 7: This date in 1945, Malcolm Lowry's shack on the Dollarton flats burned down. Gone in the blaze: the fourth draft of "Under the Volcano."

Lost in Transit

The Canucks really did get on that plane to Boston, didn't they?

Back in the Sandbox

Parliamentarians returned to work today.  Jack Layton was sly and clever, while Peter Van Loan, new House Leader for the Conservatives, appeared not to have spent enough time rehearsing his lines. His best moment came when he told MPs that the government has laid out "exactly what we would do to Canadians."  

A CBC Radio 2 host in the post-lunch slot, or what we professionals refer to as "the limbo shift" took a gratuitous swipe at Canuck Alex Burrows, suggesting, among other things, that Burrows' 11-second overtime goal against Boston lacked style. The host said the fact that Burrows is younger, better looking, and earns a whole lot more money had nothing to do with his comments. He was seen leaving the CBC building wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. 

In the Excited States, Representative Anthony Weiner of New York admitted today he had posted that photo of himself, or part of himself, on Twitter. He said he was glad to make a clean breast of it. "Now," he said, "I can stand erect."

And, moving to literary history, on this day in 1832 Jeremy Bentham, founder of the Westminster Review, caught the last streetcar. His skeleton, dressed and seated in a chair, remains on view at University College. It is said that Bentham, long deceased, still shows more wit than Conservative MPs.

Tie Match at Rogers Arena

Our Sports and Society Correspondent reports that a wedding will be performed this evening between the 1st and 2nd periods of the second Vancouver Canucks-Boston Bruins Stanley Cup series.

It is said that the officiant at the ceremony will wear a referee's uniform. 

We have it on good authority that the Sedin twins will sing a medley of Abba songs, and to complete the ceremony, Alex Burrows will skate out and bite the bride and groom's ring fingers. 

The referee will then declare the happy couple "man and wife, so help me, Gary Bettman." 

News Item Clearance Sale--Everything must Go!

A prominent otolaryngologist (or, as we medical professionals say, an ear, nose and throat guy) reports having extracted many curious objects from children's ears and nostrils. Among his finds: pebbles, crayons and magnets. Not to be outdone, our resident paediatric specialist, Dr. Wellesley Wotherspoon, author of "Adventures in Potty Training," says he once removed a Lego model of the Eiffel Tower from a five-year-old's nose.

A 1923 Leica camera has been sold at auction in Vienna for the euro equivalent of $1.89 million. This prompts us to offer for sale our 1948 Brownie box camera. Bids start at thirty-five cents.  

Finally, hockey fever sweeps the country, as Winnipeg reclaims an NHL team and Stanley Cup finals begin in Vancouver. Ticket prices exceed the annual salaries paid to hockey stars of fifty years ago.