Turkey Lurkey escapes the axe

The notorious Turkey Lurkey (aka "Smirky" Turkey), escape artist from several high security farms, has been taken into the Witness Protection Program. Orville Fishburne, director of relocation, said Lurkey had provided valuable information allowing the bureau to close down many operations that were marketing soy peanut butter as smoked turkey.  

Lurkey has been given the identity "Sam Peacock" and sophisticated cosmetic surgery, including the attachment of a multi-colored, iridescent tail. He said, "Wait till the dames see this! They will be like totally wowed!" 

The location where Lurkey/Peacock now resides remains a secret. Some say it is a vegan commune, while others believe it is the same spot where Igor Gouzenko was hidden for many years. Wikileaks speculates that it is somewhere near Lantzville, BC, and that the renegade gobbler has been seen occasionally sitting in with a local jazz ensemble. 

Sheriff Rudy McGonigal vows to never give up his search for Lurkey. "And when we find him," says McGonigal, "we're going to have turkey jerky."

And this just in: Residents of a turkey breeding farm in Saskatchewan report they are being terrorized by a ghostly flock of headless turkeys. Several have fled their homes, saying, "We couldn't stand the incessant gobbling any longer."