Pointless Christmas Gifts

Got your gift list checked off? Got what you need to thrill all those special folks in your life? Or do you suffer from mallphobia and can't face the crowds and bad background music? in that case, fret no more! Our Pointless Presents Panel has put together a sure-to-please gift list for those who have everything. (Or nothing--works both ways.)

* Angie and Joe Fighting Dolls! Miniature replicas of Joe Kapp and Angelo Mosca. Wind them up, and they slug it out. Batteries not included.

* "Even Stephen"--the PM's great follow-up CD to his Grammy-nominated "Grievin' Stephen." Special guests: Celine Dion and Rob Ford.

* The D.B. Cooper Getaway! Here's the adventure of the year! A parachute drop into the forests of northern Oregon, with a sack full of make-believe money! Better than bungee jumping!  

And still available: Pointless Digressions baseball caps, tee-shirts and coffee mugs, all made in North Korea! 

You can order without leaving your home! Unless, of course, you want to leave your home, a condition known to many at this time of year. For you, we offer inclusion in the Witness Protection Program! Think of it--new identity, new address, attractive false hair! Your creditors can't find you! Your relatives can't find you! for details, call 1-888-GETMEOUT. 

Call now! Operators are waiting!

  

Newtering the Country

Canadian Environment Minister Peter Kent has proclaimed the accord reached at the Durban, South Africa, conference on climate change "fair and balanced," which shows that the minister either has a fine sense of irony or spends a lot of time with Fox News.

And now, to the U.S., where televised debates among Republicans hoping for their party's presidential nomination are still trailing "Cupcake Wars."  

Backers for Newt ("Whaddya mean, I coulda been a contender? I am a contender!") Gingrich are growing in number, especially among those who believe Harold Robbins deserved the Nobel. They have now formed an alliance known as the Newters. "When Newt becomes president," said one, "we'll Newter the whole country!"

Recalling Irving Berlin's "I Like Ike," the Gingrich team has released a new campaign song. Titled "You're a Beaut, Newt," it beat out "You're So Cute, Newt" and "We Salute Newt." A video has been filmed, featuring Kelsey Grammer in his Sideshow Bob persona as lead singer, with backup by a trio called The Newtettes, representing the present and former Mesdames Gingrich.

A new political genre--the attack song--has also been produced by the Gingrich team. So far, it has songs attacking Governors Perry and Romney, employing their first names, Rick and Mitt. Unfortunately, the lyrics have been deemed unsuitable for general audiences.

Newt's Inventions

Republican hopeful ("I can come back!") Gingrich was criticized today for saying that Palestinians are an "invented people." A Palestinian commentator retorted that is Newt who was invented, and that he is really a reject from Edgar Bergen's dummy factory.

Some suggested that Gingrich's statement was a shameless ploy to draw the Jewish vote. "They're all meshuga," said the ex-Speaker of the House, adjusting his yarmulke. "Just because I show a little chutzpah? Please! Now pass me my knishes and celery tonic."  

Border Security and Mr. 40 Percent

Prime Minister Stephen Harper met with US President Obama today. It took some time for Mr. Harper to get into the United States. He had to convince the border guards that he was not really a Taliban terrorist disguised as an overweight Canadian politician.

While in Washington, Mr. Harper commented on the unhappiness in Russia following the recent disputed election. "They're upset that Putin's party got a little less than fifty percent? Heck, we got in with forty percent, and look at the job we're doing."

It was noted that the Russian leader was seen recently crooning "Blueberry Hill" with a Moscow doo-wop group. Mr. Harper advised, "Keep it up, Vlad. But you might want to get some newer material." 

The Prime Minister then exited the Oval Office, singing "I'm Hip."

Good Golly, Coach Wally!

Wally Buono, forever (at least for now) referred to as "the winningest coach in CFL history," has announced his retirement as head coach of the BC Lions. He will still be around, however, as general manager of the team and vice-president, football operations, and he may turn up to accept the Annis Stukus Trophy for a fourth time as Coach of the Year.

The odds favor Mike Benevides, longtime Lions defensive coordinator, as Buono's successor (although Jacques Chapdelaine, the offensive coordinator, may be saying, "What am I, chopped liver?") and a long shot is ex-Lions QB Dave Dickenson, now offensive coordinator for the Calgary Stampeders. But Wally may surprise us all again, and appoint an unknown high school coach from Five Flats, Arkansas. 

The real reason Coach Buono is stepping back, some say, is that if he wins many more Grey Cup rings (he has seven--two as a player, five as a coach) he will have to grow more fingers.

Meanwhile, it has not been confirmed that BC Place will have its name changed to Wall-Mart Stadium.

For PD Sports, Slap Maxwell reporting.

What You Don't Hear from the Santa Claus Parade

Vern Clogsdale, distressed husband: "I can't believe it--my wife ran off with a reindeer!"

Sgt. Brock Largefeet, VPD: "We apprehended a gang of pickpockets dressed as elves."

Al Klatzmir, patron of the arts: "My favorite float was the Penthouse Pole Dancers, wearing toques and tinsel, and sliding down a giant candy cane."

Sgt. Brock Largefeet: "We found several persons seriously impaired from smoking fermented cedar needles."

S. Claus: "I'm calling my agent. Next year I want a better gig. Maybe 'CSI: North Pole'."

Sgt. Brock Largefeet: "We are taking S. Claus in for questioning." 

Cookbook Etiquette

Arranging cookbooks on a shelf is something like placing guests at a dinner party. How are the seating combinations going to work? Will they charm or repel each other? Is it safe to put Anthony Bourdain's "Kitchen Confidential" next to Susan Mendelson's "Mama Never Cooked Like This"? 

Will Bobby Flay and Julia Child get along? What will Jamie Oliver and Joanne Kates have to talk about? Are Denny Boyd's "Man on the Range" and Laurie Colwin's "Home Cooking" a good pairing? Will Emeril be captivated by Barbara-jo McIntosh's "Tin Fish Gourmet"? Can James Barber's "Peasant's Choice" be a compatible match for Jane Brody's "Good Food Book" or will she turn to Pierre Dubrulle?

We still have to seat Nero Wolfe, Vij, Caren McSherry, Mark Bittman, and--wait! Madame Benoit is running away with Keith Floyd!