The Greening of Calgary

Good afternoon, football fans!  This is Phil Wolochuk, broadcasting from Calgary, scene of this Sunday's Grey Cup showdown.  As expected, Cowtown is full of Melonheads.  That's what they're calling Saskatchewan Roughriders fans, who, to demonstrate their allegiance to the Big Green Machine hollow out watermelons and wear the shells as helmets.  You might say "they're shell-shocking."  Ha ha--a little humor there, sports fans. 

There have been times when cities have run out of watermelons, which, to a diehard Roughie fan is on a par with running out of Number One Hard Rye.  But to prevent such a catastrophe on the eve of Canada's gridiron classic, Canada Safeway has pulled watermelons from produce bins all over the country and sent them to Calgary.  Here's one fan who's cheering that move--Bert Fuldheimer of Slow Leak, Saskatchewan. 

"That's right, Phil.  I remember one time the Roughriders were playing the Argos, and you couldn't find a watermelon anywhere.  I was frantic."  

So what did you do, Bert?

"I hollowed out a lime, and wore that instead.  Fortunately, I have a very small head."

Quick thinking, Bert.  Now let's talk to this lovely lady beside you.  Tell us about your costume, miss."

"I made it myself, Phil.  It's a body suit constructed of thirty-thousand green Smarties."

Very chic!  And delicious, too.  Yum!  Of course, it wouldn't be football if there weren't lots of fans packing Thermos bottles.  What do you have in yours, big fella?

"I call it my Sack the Quarterback Cocktail, Phil.  It's a blend of Creme de Menthe and spinach juice."

I bet it packs a punch.  Well, football fans, that's it for now.  I just want to make one personal comment:  after Sunday's game, Montreal fans are going to be green with envy.  

Going to turn the mike over now to my Montreal colleague Jacques Blancmange.  Did you get that one, Jacques?  Green with envy.

"Ah yes, mon ami.  But may I remind you of the wisdom of Kermit the Frog?"

Uh--what's that, Jacques?

"It's not easy being green."