The Paranoid GPS

Boarding a cab the other evening (no longer being trusted behind the wheel of anything but a shopping cart) I found I was in a taxi guided by GPS.  These initials are said to stand for Global Positioning System, but in this instance they signified Grossly Paranoid Screw-up.

As we neared my destination, I attempted to give the driver directions, but he was tuned only to the GPS.  "Oh no, sir.  GPS says go 150 metres, turn right."  "In which case," I said, "you will go down a steep slope and into Burrard Inlet."

We continued on, GPS giving us directions that led down a cul de sac, across railway tracks in front of an angry locomotive, and finally onto the 18th green of a golf course.  "Wonderful invention, the GPS," said the driver.

I, meanwhile, thought of Hal 2000, the paranoid computer in Kubrick's "2001:  A Space Odyssey" (easily the most interesting character in the film) and the evil sheep dog in "Far from the Madding Crowd" that led its trusting, wooly flock off a cliff.

I am told that GPS voices now come in various languages and sometimes even in celebrated tones.  Think what it might have been like to hear Gielgud or Olivier giving directions.  And how about Bogart?  Or Brando?  You might end up in some dangerous situations, but it would be fun.

I thought also of the pilots whose airplane drifted 150 miles off target.  Perhaps they should have blamed the error on a demon-possessed GPS. 

Ultimately, the cab arrived at my destination.  "Wonderful GPS, sir," said the driver.  "See?  We are here, safe and sound.  Sir, you can get up from the floor where you are cowering.

"The fare, sir:  seventy-five dollars and fifty cents.  

"And did I tell you that my wife, our thirteen children, and my aged mother-in-law depend on the generosity of tips?"