Never Coming to a Theatre Near You

For years I have had running thru the Cineplex of my mind a number of films that should be made, or should have been made, but weren't and probably won't be.  To begin, John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara should have played LBJ and Lady Bird in "Pedernales Romance."  Okay, so the physical resemblances aren't great, but they would have brought it off.  My favorite scene:  LBJ asking Sarah Vaughan to dance, after a performance at the White House, and her pianist, wondering what the appropriate thing for him might be, deciding to dance with Lady Bird.

At a certain time, James Garner would have been perfect for a Jack Teagarden biopic, possibly called "Big T," which was the trombonist-singer's nickname.

And it's time for another run at the Charlie Parker story.  Forest Whitaker played Parker in Clint Eastwood's "Bird," and Whitaker is a very good actor, but the performer who could really project Parker's great and powerful and perhaps even frightening charisma is Lenny Henry, best known for British TV's "Chef."  We're ready for "Bird Lives."

At least three of Dashiell Hammett's novels were turned into successful films--"The Maltese Falcon," "The Glass Key," "The Thin Man"--but no one, so far as I know, has adapted "Red Harvest" for the screen.  There was one Coen Brothers film that seemed to parallel the story, but what we really want to see is Hammett's unnamed Continental Op, described, in "The Big Knockover" (another terrific story) as "the biggest-hearted dick in San Francisco.  This little fat guy will do anything for anybody, if only he can send 'em over for life in the end."  The role Danny DeVito was born to play.

Another film ready for a re-make is "Pete Kelly's Blues."  I suggested to Dal Richards that Diana Krall would be right for the Peggy Lee role.  "That's true," said Dal, "but who would play Pete Kelly?"  "How about you, Dal?" I said.  "Are you free?"  "I'm not free," said Dal, "but I'm cheap."

And finally--I think--the ideal pair to play Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald would be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Seriously.  Think about it.  

I'm ready with treatments for all these projects.  Major studios may reach me thru my agent.