Monday, April 30, 2012

International Jazz Day

UNESCO has declared April 30 International Jazz Day. Buy a thirsty saxophonist a drink.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Shakespeare and St, George

April 23 is the date on which Shakespeare was born, in the year 1564. It is also the date on which he departed this world, in 1616. Shakespeare knew about dramatic entrances and exits. ("Exit Ghost" is one of the stage directions in "Hamlet"--appropriate, as in performances at The Globe, Shakespeare himself played the ghost of Hamlet's father.)

April 23 is also St. George's Day, commemorating the dragon slayer who is the patron saint of England. Thus, in "Henry V," Shakespeare has the young king, on the eve of the battle of Agincourt, tell his archers, "Follow your spirit, and upon this charge cry "God for Harry! England and Saint George!"

Thursday, April 19, 2012

For sale: Heritage Prison, prime waterfront location

Public Safety Minister Vic Toews (rhymes with knaves) announced today that the federal government will close the maximum security prison in Kingston, Ontario and a prison of somewhat lower security (minimum of serial axe-murderers) in Quebec. 

The question in many minds was "What are you going to do with all the evildoers resident in those palatial pokeys?"  

"Ha ha," said Minister Toevs, responding to one journalist's question, "No, we are not going to appoint them to the Senate.

"We have a better idea," he said. "Actually it was Steve's idea. We;'re going to take all those miscreants..."


"...and stick them in Stornoway."

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

This is Your Captain Speaking

The report that a pilot for the People's Airline had fallen into a deep sleep on a Trans-Atlantic flight and then wakened to mistake the planet Venus for another aircraft has led to some serious thinking at the Air Transport Safety Board. 

Myron Bigglesworth, speaking for the Board, said "It has been recommended that we put cuckoo clocks in every cockpit. An earlier suggestion that we install grandfather clocks was found impractical. Further, we are recommending that each crew carry tanks of quadruple strength espresso, to be administered to pilots hourly."

The news reached Captain Dwayne "Ace" Ripperton as he was piloting a 747 over the Pole. He wanted to share the news with passengers, and began "This is your Captain speaking, assuring you that we are fully alert, and in full control of th...zzz zzz zzz." 

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Cracked, but not yet Breaking, News

** Cartagena, Colombia:  Eleven US Secret Service agents and five servicemen were sent home today for what has been termed "unprofessional conduct." Prime Minister Stephen Harper has issued a statement saying, "I wasn't with those guys. Believe me, I wasn't."

** Pyongyang, North Korea: Government officials shrugged off what has been called a "$1 billion humiliation" following the failure of their much touted rocket launch. A spokesman for Kim Jong Un said, "Remember, we still have the exploding spring roll."  

** Los Angeles, CA: Vancouver Canucks arriving for a pivotal game three against the Los Angeles Kings said they were confident their team would triumph. It was noted, however, that a number of the players were carrying their golf clubs.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Perils of Easter Eggs

Dr. Farnsley Bigglesworth, our Guide to Responsible Behavior, regrets his inability to be with us today. He took it upon himself yesterday to study the impact of liqueur-filled chocolate eggs.

In his research, Dr. Bigglesworth consumed 34 eggs filled with Grand Marnier, 64 eggs filled with Bailey's Irish Cream, 84 eggs filled with Cointreau, 120 eggs filled with green Chartreuse, and 184 eggs filled with Courvoisier, after which his notes became difficult to decipher.   

Watch for Dr. Bigglesworth's next report: "Fun and Games at the Detox Centre." 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Why Your Easter Eggs May Arrive Late. Or not at all.

Harvey Q. Lapin, Easter Bunny, reports:

"I was about to board the plane with my sack of eggs when the problems began. First the airline demanded another thirty-five dollars for my carry-on, saying, 'That's pretty big for the overhead, fella. Not to mention the ears.' 

"Then a security agent confiscated my bottle of organic carrot juice and demanded I step into the full body-scanner. They were most impertinent, making rude remarks about cotton-tails.

"Finally boarded, I found myself seated between an elderly woman with an allergy to rabbit fur and a large man who insisted on telling me his favorite recipes for rabbit stew and jugged hare.

"But the worst moment came when, in mid-flight, I unwrapped a chocolate egg I had saved for myself. Someone screamed, 'It's a bomb! He's going to blow us to smithereens!' I said, 'Calm yourself, madam, this is pure Belgian chocolate,' and bit into the fondant centre. Then a man cried, 'I think that's cocaine! He's smuggling drugs in Easter eggs!'

"Attendants and passengers seized me, the plane made an emergency landing, and I am now incarcerated in what would be less than a third-rate hutch. A bomb squad is defusing my sack of eggs.

"So if on Easter morning you have to settle for Cheesies or pork rinds instead of chocolate eggs, don't blame me. 

"And if anyone can assist with my bail, it would be greatly appreciated, They're asking for a lot of lettuce."  

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Corner Saloon Comes to the Corner

Delighted by the success of food carts on Vancouver streets, city councillors have expanded the program to include wheeled cocktail lounges, wine bars and beer gardens. Here are a few recommended by our Fine Dining and Fast Loans correspondent, Hartley O. Gratin:

* The Martini Express, at Howe and Dunsmuir

* Rum for Your Money, at Seymour and Davie

* Cognac Corner, Georgia and Denman

* Gin and Ginseng, Abbott and Keefer

* Vant Vodka? Helmcken and Richards

If, as councillors expect, these curbside saloons prove successful, watch for more street corner services. Among them: Orthodontia on the Go, Full Body Asphalt Massage, and Honk for Psychoanalysis.