Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Temporary Closure

The proprietors regret that this service will close for an indefinite period to facilitate psychic repairs.

We apologize for this break in service, and recommend that followers, in the meantime, read The Borowitz Report.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Justin Sings the Blues

When I came into this office,
I thought I couldn't lose.
Had my pals around me
And nothin' but good news.
But now I feel downhearted--
Got those Jodi Wilson-Raybould blues.

Sunny ways, I told folks,
Smilin' on the news.
Scheer and Jagmeet, they don't scare me,
I'm not an easy guy to bruise.
But I just took a sucker punch
And got the Jodi Wilson-Raybould blues.

I know things will get sunny,
Know once again I'll cruise.
Then we'll think this all was funny
When Gerr and I share a few brews.
Meanwhile I'll keep on smilin'
Through the Jodi Wilson-Raybould blues.

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Kindergarten Chaos on Parliament Hill

Following the disturbance caused during Finance Minister Morneau's attempt to deliver his budget speech, the Conservative Members of Parliament have had their nap time doubled and their chocolate milk treat denied for one day. Except for little Andrew Scheer, who, the Speaker said, "clearly had consumed too much chocolate milk and gone completely off the rails." He will be on plain skim for the next week.

Later in the day, the now calm Conservative MPs were seen being led around the Parliament Buildings in an orderly line, two by two, holding hands.

"If they continue to behave," the Speaker said, "they'll be allowed back in the sandbox."

Friday, March 8, 2019

Giving Up Politics for Lent

I know, this may not seem to be a great sacrifice, but on the other hand, it's not easy--politics can be addictive. Dangerously addictive. Mind threatening.

So here we go for forty politics-free days. Rosemary Barton and Anderson Cooper, you're on your own. John Horgan and Rachel Notley, make nice. Justin and Jody, see a councillor. Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn, have a cup of tea. Andrew Scheer and Jagmeet Singh, get some new lines. Alexandria Ocasia-Cortez, keep on dancing. With Joe Biden. We're out of here, possibly until the next election.

But Robert Mueller, if you get anything, you have my number.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Lenten discipline

We are approaching the season of Lent, when it is customary for many to deny themselves some pleasure, as a mark of penitence.

We have known people who have given up chocolate, cigarettes, and going to the movies, but the strangest case on record may be that of one Chris Schryer of Toronto, who one year gave up all solid food. For forty days, according to the Anglican News, not a morsel of solid food passed Mr. Schryer's pious lips.

What did Mr. Schryer survive on? Dopplebock, a peculiarly powerful dark beer, brewed originally by German monks. Throughout Lent, Mr. Schryer consumed nothing but dopplebock.

Now there's a man who knew how to do penance.

Friday, February 22, 2019

Scamming in Your Language of Choice

Picking up the telephone the other day, we were accosted by a recorded message in a language we did not understand.

This was not the first time we had received multilingual demands for money, and we thought, with a certain amount of civic pride: this really has become a cosmopolitan society! Scams in a colorful range of world languages!

Friday, February 15, 2019

Monarchists and Philatelists

The post office clerk said people had been telephoning, wanting to know when the new Canadian stamp bearing the image of Queen Elizabeth II would be available. And it is now.

It is a particularly attractive picture of Her Majesty, taken on her 2010 Canadian tour by Chris Jackson. The camera has always been fond of the Queen, but this photograph--light purple ensemble, maple leaf brooch, rather sly smile--may be the best in years.

The portraits of British monarchs have appeared on postage stamps since 1840, when the world's first stamp was issued. It bore the crowned profile of Queen Victoria, and is known to collectors as the Penny Black.

Stamps that followed have carried the images of both Edwards, VII and VIII, and both Georges, V and VI. There was even one stamp, during the rein of George VI, showing the family--King and Queen and young princesses--on a palace balcony.

The value of these stamps among philatelists varies widely, and is surprising. The famous Penny Black, depending on its condition, can bring anything from $20 to $7,000. The Edward stamps, seldom seen, are not as valuable as one might think. The exception is a set of three intended to mark the coronation of Edward VIII. As the coronation never took place, the stamps were never issued. If you can turn them up, they're worth $332.99.

The most valuable of the British Royal stamps is the 1841 Penny Red. Estimated current price: $9.5 million.

But you can own one of the new Canadian stamps featuring Queen Elizabeth II for $1.05.