Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Doing the Cannabis Can-Can

Across Canada today, tokers are in truly high spirits, chorusing "Don't Bogart That Joint, My Friend."

While munching an Alice B. Toklas brownie, we sought out the etymology of this classic lyric, and found that it is a reference to Humphrey Bogart's style of smoking, in which the cigarette seldom left his lips. So "Don't Bogart that joint, my friend--pass it over to me" is a plea for sharing, rather than greedy self-gratification.

We don't know if Miss Manners has a chapter on etiquette for cannabis users.

And frankly, we don't need it. We're from an older generation of substance abusers.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Washington Wash Day

It has been reported that President Trump is considering replacing Nikki Haley as US Ambassador to the United Nations with Kanye West. The pop star said, "I'm ready to go in there and rap!"

On his first day as a Supreme Court justice, Brett Kavanaugh was required to go through the inaugural arm-wrestling contest, obligatory for all appointees to the nation's senior court. "Hey," said Judge Kavanaugh, "No problem! Just like hazing at DKE!" Kavanaugh lost the match in .03 seconds to Justice Bader Ginsburg.

And having finally watched the film "Get Out," President Trump mused on the possibility of having his brain transferred to the body of Cam Newton. The upside, of course, is that we'd have Cam Newton's brain in the White House.

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Steve McGobble Comes Through Again

"Farmer Grogan?"

"Uh..y..yes. Who are you, little green man?"

"Fear not, Farmer Grogan. I am an emissary from a distant planet, sent here to honor you."

"Honor me?"

"Yes, Farmer Grogan. It is well known throughout the entire universe that you are the world's leading turkey farmer."

"Well, thank you. I do take pride in the size of my flocks."

"As well you should. And it is for that reason that my empire wishes not only to honor you, but to draw on your expertise."

"My what?"

"Expertise. Stuff you know. In the development and management of turkey farms. I have been directed to invite you to come and address the leading scientific minds of our astral community."

"Well, golly gee whillikers--I'd admire to do that. Could we wait 'til after Thanksgiving? Big day coming, you know. Gotta get these turks to market."

"Worry not, Farmer Grogan. My team will look after that for you, and my superiors are eager to hear your wisdom. Please step into this interplanetary conveyance."

"I surely am honored. I should tell Mrs. Grogan."

"We'll look after that, too, Farmer. Just step in here."

"Well, then, here we go!"

Clank! Hatch slams shut. Clank!

"Steve, how'd you pull that off?"

"A breeze. Got the E.T. suit from a Hallowe'en rental."

"And the space ship?"

"It's an army surplus tank. Grogan will be stuck in there for days."

"Won't he roast in there?"

"He'll find out how it feels."

"And how about us, Steve?"

"Hop in my truck, fellow turks. We're off to dig the band at Birdland."

Friday, October 5, 2018

Burke's Tender Turks

As Thanksgiving approaches, and thoughts turn to the festive table, we remember Burke's Tender Turks.

This was an enterprise of Stanley Burke, journalist, publisher, satirist, and campaigner during the Nigerian war of the 1960s for the people of Biafra.

Some will remember him as CBC's National News anchor in the pre-Knowlton Nash, pre-Peter Mansbridge days. Others may remember his cross-Canada tour urging relief for the Biafrans. Many may still have copies of the political satires he constructed, with illustrations by Roy Peterson--"Frog Fables and Beaver Tales" among them. And still others will remember him as publisher of the Nanaimo Times, and perhaps still picture him in his houseboat days.

But what springs to mind at this time of year is his brief period as proprietor of a Fraser Valley turkey farm, marketing Burke's Tender Turks. He must have realized that his future was in journalism, not farming. Or--and this is what we like to think--he may have felt tender-hearted towards his flock of gobblers, and set both them and himself free.

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Reading Reviews in the Oval Office

"Well, I guess I really killed them last night, right? See that audience? They went crazy. I could've gone on forever. Which, incidentally, is my intention, to go on forever. I think I've got this mortality thing licked. But more about me. What'd you think, Sarah Huckleberry?"

"It was deeply moving, Mr. Big Guy, almost Biblical. I believe there are some obscure and disputed scriptural passages that support your position of demeaning women."

"Good, get those lines out to Franklin. Gotta keep him and his people happy. Okay, who's next? Conway?"

"I thought your performance was brilliant, Mr. President. Had you gone into theatre, you would have taken all the awards."

"You're right, I would've put all those Actors Studio people to shame. I would've been much bigger than Robert DeSneero or Al Puccini. How about you, General Kelly? By the way, are you still a general, or are you a mister? Doesn't matter--what did you think of my performance?

"Well, Mr. President, I'm not one of those effete artistic people, I'm trained to maim and destroy, but I must say, when you went into that piece beginning 'Mom, what am I gonna do?' a lump rose in my throat."

"Thank you, General or Mister Kelly, whatever the hell you are."

"Of course, it might have been the burrito I had at lunch."

"Mr. President, it's almost KFC and Twitter time."

"Right, can't let my people down. Somebody get me a Diet Coke."

"Right away, sir!"

"In fact--what the hell--make it a double."

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Welcoming October

Nathaniel Hawthorne, American Notebooks: "There is no season when such pleasant and sunny spots may be lighted on, and produce so pleasant an effect on the feelings, as now in October."

Tell that to the people out at 6:00 a.m. walking their dogs in the rain.

Monday, October 1, 2018

The Odd Couple

In Wheeling, West Virginia, Saturday night, Donald Trump revealed his new romance.

Opening his heart about Korean leader Kim Jong-Un, the US President said, "I was being really tough, and so was he. And we would go back and forth. And then we fell in love, okay? He wrote me beautiful letters. We fell in love."

Those close to the president expressed joy and relief. One senior advisor said, "His heart was broken when Trudeau and Macron didn't respond. But now, he's found his true match. Don and Kim--it's the most thrillingly romantic moment since Richard Nixon hugged Sammy Davis, Jr."

A spokesman for Melania reports the First Lady's reaction: "I am so happy for both of them."