Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Beer Garden Beef

Anheuser Busch, one of America's leading brewers, has been accused of watering its beer, thereby reducing its alcohol content. "I suspected it," said Chester Wallaby. "I haven't been getting nearly as blitzed as I used to."

This is Pink Shirt Day in Canada, dedicated to the elimination of verbal and physical bullying. One of its fervent supporters is BC Premier Christy Clark, who asked NDP leader Adrian Dix "Where's your pink shirt, four eyes, you wimp?"

A UBC study reports that obesity in Canada is on the rise. "Overblown," said Senator Mike Duffy. "I don't give too much weight to it," said Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

And today Pope Benedict XVI went back to being Joe Ratzinger. The Vatican announced it will have a pair of his red Gucci loafers bronzed.

In Washington today, President Obama spoke at the unveiling of a statue of Rosa Parks, the woman who sparked the US civil rights movement by refusing to give up her seat on a segregated bus. "Well," said TransLink officer Vern Battleby, "she wouldn't have gotten away with that on our line. Wait..uh..did I say something wrong?"

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

BC Government Super Sale!

The British Columbia government has developed an aggressive marketing strategy to fill the provincial coffers. Here are some of the hot ticket offerings:

LET MIKE DEJONG BALANCE YOUR BUDGET! Yes, for a nominal fee, BC's finance minister will come to our home and show you how to reduce your expenses and maximize your earnings!  You can't afford to pass up this opportunity!

PHOTO-OP WITH CHRISTY! Whatever the occasion--birthday party, kitchen renovation, garage sale--the Premier of British Columbia is prepared to come to your home and pose for a commemorative photograph! This could be a golden moment in your otherwise dreary lives!

PUMMEL THE NDP PINATA! Yes, it's true! Concerned Citizens for BC have constructed a remarkably lifelike pinata in the form of Adrian Dix! What fun you and your right-minded friends will have whacking it! Order now, and help keep our cheesy TV commercials on the air!

PLAY THE BRIDGE GAME! The thrill of a lifetime! Bungee jump off the Port Mann Bridge with your favorite MLA! Send photo ID, $150, and name of next of kin. ($20 extra for Rich Coleman.) An adventure never to be forgotten!

Get in on these great opportunities while time lasts--up until the May 14 election. Send your order now to Fun 'n' Games, BC Revenue Services, Victoria. Be the first on your block to have a photo-up with the Premier!

Friday, February 15, 2013

Dry Bones

"De knee bone connected to de hip bone..."

The big bone breakthrough this year was the discovery of what is left of Richard III--under a parking lot in Leicester! Such indignity.

There are many who feel that Dick Three has gotten a bad rep in history, due largely to the Tudor spin doctors and to Shakespeare's play. True or not, it's still a terrific play. And movie, which Anthony Holland. the fine actor/director/theatre coach, said he had watched more than fifty times--and that was forty years ago. Who knows how many times he has seen it now?

Defenders of Richard III, probably now booking passage to pay homage to the royal skeleton, may want to have some sort of revenge by digging up Shakespeare. But that isn't going to happen, for here is Will's epitaph:

"Good friend, for Jesus' sake forbear
To dig the dust enclosed here.
Blest be the man that spares these stones
And curst be he that moves my bones."

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Creaking News

News not yet breaking, but certainly creaking, from the PD News Desk:

* The international Olympic Committee, after voting to have wrestling eliminated as an Olympic sport, scrambled hastily to issue a "maybe not" after being visited by the ghosts of Ed "Strangler" Lewis, Gene Kiniski and Gorgeous George.

* US President Barack Obama delivered his State of the Union address last evening. Seated behind him were Vice-President Joe Biden, who looked ecstatic, and Speaker of the House John Boehner, who resembled a man undergoing a colonoscopy.

* Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is said to be writing a book on hockey. We are now waiting for a book on politics by Eddie Shack.

* Herman Wouk's first novel, a comedy titled "Aurora Dawn," had in it an advertising firm named Grovel & Leach. It is now believed that for some time there has been a political ad company operating in Canada and the US under the name Lyer and Smearer.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Guess Who?

Here we come to another Valentine's Day, bearing bouquets of flowers, magnums of Champagne, and many impassioned romantic sonnets.

The origin of Valentine's Day is unclear. There were two martyred Roman priests named Valentine in the third century, and several other Saints with the same name. Guess who? But the setting aside of February 14 as a day for love was inspired by the mating of birds. See Messrs. Chaucer and Shakespeare:

Chaucer: "For this was on Saint Valentine's Day,
                 When ev'ry fowl cometh to choose her mate."

Shakespeare: "Good morrow, friends! St. Valentine is past;
                        Begin these wood-birds but to couple now?"

Tweet now takes on a whole new meaning.

And our offering for Valentine's Day:

"Roses and chocolates cost too much money.
 Although I am broke, will you be my honey?"

Sunday, February 10, 2013

February Clearout

Bits 'n' pieces left over from January:

David Letterman, after snagging a pass from Baltimore Ravens QB Joe Flacco on his late night show, has turned down an offer from BC Lions coach Mike Benevides to sign on as a wide receiver. "And we thought," said Benevides, "we had the perfect replacement for Geroy."

The second Monday of February has been declared a holiday, designated "Family Day." The move by BC Liberals to have it named "Christy Clark Day" was rejected. "What," said an outraged Concerned Citizens for BC spokesperson, "you spend fifteen million bucks and can't get a simple favor?"

The New York Public Library reports the return of a book overdue for fifty-five years. The book was "Fire of Francis Xavier." Hey, we're slow readers, but fifty-five years? The book was returned anonymously, with a cheque for one hundred dollars, well in excess of what the NYPL would have charged. Top fine would have been the cost of the book, but, if they had been pursuing a daily fine, the borrower would have been in for $5,000. A frequent contributor to this program returned a book in 2001 he had taken out in 1956. The library staff, gathered in awe around the errant borrower, graciously waived a fine, but kept the book. They said, "We have some people waiting for this."

And finally, Valentine's Day approaches. We have several viewers from the 1930s and '40s still desperate to know who "Guess who?" might be.

Monday, February 4, 2013


A moment of silence, please, for the one-cent coin, the humble penny, which no longer will issue from the Canadian Mint.

This dramatic event is expected to have long-term ramifications. The pennywhistle, the expression "A penny for your thoughts," and the song "Pennies from Heaven" are endangered. Girls named Penny will be upgraded to Nicole.

Let us look back on the penny's glory days--when, for example, you could buy a significant amount of candy at the corner store with a penny or two. And perhaps the penny's greatest moment, when exotic dancer Eva Tanguay (nicknamed "Tabasco") performed in a dress made entirely of pennies.

She tossed them, one by one, to her audience. Ms. Tanguay's biographer, Andrew L. Erdman, notes that it is probably the only instance of a stripper tipping her viewers.

One last time--a penny for your thoughts.