Friday, July 27, 2018

Heat Wave Hits

Suggested listening as you endure +30 temperatures:

"In the Cool, Cool, Cool of the Evening"

"Cold, Cold Heart"

"Baby, It's Cold Outside"

"Frosty the Snowman"

"Let it Snow"

For optimum results, enjoy while sitting in a tub full of ice cubes sipping a G&T.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Heat Wave Lit

"There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of a carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen. You can even get a full glass of beer at a cocktail lounge."

                           Raymond Chandler, "Red Wind."

Monday, July 16, 2018

Frank Sinatra, where are you?

Okay, "The Manchurian Candidate" was fiction, wasn't it? I mean, that couldn't really happen, could it? A foreign power, an enemy of the US, somehow putting a dupe in the White House and using him to advance its agenda?

What was Richard Condon thinking of? How could that possibly happen? Could a US businessman, in Moscow, years before running for president, have his brain seized by KGB agents and then be manipulated into office? Naw, that's just crazy.

Pure fantasy.

Even so, those of us who watched "The Manchurian Candidate" are crying, "Frank Sinatra, where are you?"

Friday, July 13, 2018

The Trumps in Europe

Trump addresses NATO leaders in Brussels: "I figured the only thing I was gonna get here was those cabbagey things, you know, Brussels sprouts? But hey, these Belgian waffles are  terrific. Bring me another plate. And lemme have more of those beg-nets."

Macron: "Donald, those are beignets, pronounced 'ben-yay'."

Trump: "Yeah? Whadda you know? Guy named after a pastry."

Melanie: "Donny, I heard the Italian leader order linguine puttanesca. Is delicious!"

Trump: "It's not Italian, sweetheart. It's Russian. Putinesca, get it? Named for my new best friend, Vladimir Putin."

Melanie: "That Macron--so handsome!"

Trump: "Huh."

Melanie: "And Justin--so slim, so fit. You know he does the Grouse Grind?"

Trump: "Listen, I could buy the Grouse Grind. Turn it into a golf course."

Trump's state dinner with Theresa May: "President Trump, we have a wine pairing with each course. Champagne cocktails to begin, a superb dry sherry with the turtle soup, a 1927 Bordeaux with the saddle of lamb, and Chateau d'Yquem with the camembert and nuts."

Trump: "I'll have a Diet Pepsi."

Trump meets the Queen: "So, what do they call you, Liz or Betty?

"Hey, why're these guys dragging me away? I was just giving you a little hug."

Monday, July 9, 2018

Public Transit Etiquette

With the increasing popularity of public transit in Vancouver, Pointless Digressions Publications believes it is time for an etiquette guide for those traveling by bus, SkyTrain, or other public conveyance. Here is a sample of the tips contained in our just published "Don't Make a Fuss on the Bus."

Q: If the person sitting next to me is having a difficult personal conversation on his or her phone, should I step in and offer advice?

A: By all means. Assure your fellow passenger that you are an expert on relationships, having watched the Dr. Phil show for years.

Q: If the person by my side is eating something, perhaps peanuts or French fries, is it permissible to reach in and help myself?

A: Absolutely, but to be considerate, always carry with you a salt shaker and offer to sprinkle.

Q: Supposing my seat mate has a terrible racking cough and a round of explosive sneezing. Would it be insensitive to put on my surgical mask?

A: It would show a distinct lack of feeling. Instead, offer your seat mate your clean handkerchief or a cough drop or, if you've just shopped at the LCB, a restorative belt of brandy.

Q: If the person next to me falls asleep, with his/her head on my shoulder, what should I do?

A: Nothing. Stay very still and do not rise until the person awakes, even if you've gone five mies beyond your stop.

Yours for polite traveling--Miss P. Digressions.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

The Glorious Fourth...sigh

Here we are at what is usually called the Glorious Fourth of July, and while there will be fireworks and choruses of "America the Beautiful," we all know that these are not the most glorious or beautiful of times for Uncle Sam and his brood.

We remain grateful for what the United States has given us--jazz, the Salk vaccine, the ice cream cone--but for those of us with deep roots in Bad Axe, Michigan, we can only hope that someone, sooner rather than later, says, "And now, back to our regular program."

So this year we'll skip "Yankee Doodle Dandy." But we invite you to sing along with this gentle amusement, to the tune of "The Stars and Stripes Forever."

"Be kind to your web-footed friends,
For a duck may be somebody's mother.
They live out there in the swamp,
Where the weather's cold and dawmp.
Now you might think that this is the end.
Well, it is."

Sunday, July 1, 2018

Weak Verse for a Strong Country

Greetings, fellow Canadians, on this our country's day!
Raise a glass to our founding father, the noble Sir John A.,
Who set us on track to be a nation
With a railroad and Confederation.

Alexander Mackenzie was next in line,
And though his five years in office seemed just fine,
It remains a constant mystery
Why his name is lost to history.

And let us give a modest cheer
To those who only served one year
Or less--Abbott, Thompson, Bowell, Tupper--
But though their politics may have been slighted,
All four of these PMs were knighted.

Merci, and a gracious roundelay,
For Sir Wilfred Laurier.
And we remember Robert Borden still,
His face on the hundred-dollar bill.
Then Arthur Meighen, whose Irish oratory could sing,
Followed by the weird Mackenzie King.

R.B. Bennett, Louis St. Laurent--
What did this country really want?
Then to the Tories' great relief,
We elected Dief the Chief,
To be followed by hockey-playing Lester B.,
The only one of all these guys
To receive a Nobel Prize.

Then came Canada's most glamorous glow
With the suave Pierre Trudeau,
His light-hearted but strong-minded lark
Tempered by the very stern Joe Clark,
Whose period on the land's front burner
Gave way to handsome John Napier Turner,
Remembered still by friends and foes
As the man who danced with Princess Margaret Rose.

Up next, lantern-jawed Mulroney
Who proved that he could sing a tuney
And be entirely beguiling
With "When Irish Eyes are Smiling."
Kim Campbell joined the honoured list
As our first Prime Minister feminist.
Alas, her party failed to thrive--
She spent just four months on Sussex Drive.

Jean Chretien, a Pearson team alumnus,
Showed he'd entertain and never numb us.
His fans could only sigh and grieve
When the next PM was Harper, Steve,
Who later must have cried, "Oh, no!"
To be replaced by a Trudeau.

So here we are, aged one-five-one,
A country feeling still it's just begun.
Wave the flag, say "merci, beaucoup,"
For all that we have journeyed through,
And give thanks that life is grand,
In Canada, our native land!