Revolt of the Geeks

Okay, fashion devotees:  you have recognized that the industry has acquiesced to the wishes--demands--of the size +52 set and no longer employs anorexic models.  We are back to the Titian style in women.

And that's fine, we're okay with that.  But how, a viewer writes, about guy models?  When do we start seeing seing real men in fashion advertisements for Polo, Perry Ellis, Boss--huh?

Instead of models looking like Brad Pitt or George Clooney, let us see balding guys with paunches, the way most men really look.  Woody Allen is good for some sizes; the late Dom De Luise for others.

Fashion directors:  Looking for  the male-of-today model?  Look no further than one of the stars of  "Ocean's 11, 12, and 13."  We point, of course, not to Clooney or Pitt or Damon or Garcia,  but to Carl Reiner.

Stats for male models from the P.D. group:  chest 23"; waist 38"; hips 52".

Is this is a real guy or is this a real guy?  Bidding war now open. 

Turning Up the Heat

Many of us thought the name "Abbotsford Heat" referred to a Fraser Valley police force, but it is, rather, the name of a team in the American Hockey League, sent off to melt the ice by the Calgary Flames.  (These are obviously people with a fire obsession.  Watch for the next team to come out of the oven:  The Punnichy Pyromaniacs.)

This week, the Abbotsford heat has attracted much attention, even from those who normally would choose "Secrets of the Spelunkers" over a hockey game.  The reason:  the spectacular performance of the Heat coach.  Clearly over-heated, he tore off his jacket, leaped onto the railing of the team box, and shattered two hockey sticks in a manner previously known only to golfers. 

This turned out to be an enormous crowd-pleaser.  Coaches generally show emotion only by more vigorously chewing gum (although in more sophisticated arenas, some have been seen to roll their eyes).  The old audience has been re-energized, and a new audience has been drawn.

And so, the word has gone out from league honchos to coaches:  Brush up your act!  Find new ways to go wacko!  Tear off your trousers!  Swing from the press box like a chimpanzee! Berate the officials with a hip-hop routine!  Seize control of the Zamboni!

Latest development:  AHL teams have begun hiring creative directors.

In other news:  Premier Campbell handed out green eye-shades to Liberal MLAs today, and said that the decision to employ pole dancers for the new BC Casino "demonstrates this government's commitment to arts and culture."   

Don't Quote Me. Okay, Quote Me.

Collectors of memorable quotations probably rank Yogi Berra with Shakespeare, the Bible and Oscar Wilde. The great Yankee catcher, now 85 years old, recently surfaced in a magazine interview.  First question:  "What is your current state of mind?"  Yogi's response:  "You mean now?"

Almost in this league was a comment made by a CBC Radio host the other day.  Speaking of some unusual occurrence, he said, "It's incredible, and almost hard to believe."

But our favorite remark, reported in a New Yorker article by Roger Angell, issued from the writer St. Clair McKelway.  Maeve Binchy, his then wife, was greeted by him at an airport.  She observed that he had been celebrating enthusiastically ("You can observe a lot by watching"--Yogi Berra) and said, "I thought you were on the wagon."

"I was," said McKelway, "but I stepped off for a moment, and when I got back on, someone had taken my seat."

Happy Birthday, JSB

Today is the 325th anniversary of the birth of Johann Sebastian Bach, the paterfamilias of western music (that is, music in the European style, not simply the western music of Hank Williams and Waylon Jennings, although JSB undoubtedly had an influence on them, as well).

The Pointless Digressions roving dilettante recalls with pleasure being in Toronto for the Bach Tricentennial Piano Competition in 1985, a competition won by the then relatively unknown young Ottawa pianist Angela Hewitt.  (After which, the P.D. ambassador taxied to Cafe des Copains to hear another pianist, Roger Kellaway.  That was a very good summer in Toronto.)

On another musical note (an accidental pun, which we regret) spring has begun, and the airwaves are filled, for a few hours, with spring songs.  There are some very good spring songs, and some wonderful almost spring songs ("It Might As Well Be Spring," "Spring will Be a Little Late This Year") but the two best spring songs, in the distinctly unhumble opinion of the P.D. Panel, are Clifford Brown's "Joy Spring" (with lyrics by Jon Hendricks) and Cole Porter's "I Love You," which contains these memorable lines: 

"It's spring again

 And birds on the wing again

 Start to sing again

 The old melody:

 I love you--

 It's the song of songs--

 And it all belongs

 To you and me."

Feel free to sing along.

Safety Tips

The Pointless Digressions hair stylist (Monsieur Rick) had occasion to purchase a new blow dry device the other day, and, as it was a model new to him, despite his vast experience (he saw "Shampoo" fifteen times, mainly for Julie Christie) he thought it wise to read the operating instructions.

At first, they seemed strange.  Then he realized he was reading the text in Spanish.  Switching to a language with which he is  marginally more familiar, he read the usual safety precautions, which had nothing new to impart, until he came to "Never use while sleeping." 

We are not making this up.  There it was, in 12-point black print, right after "Never use while bathing."

Rick thought about this for awhile, and came to the conclusion that "Never use while sleeping" is wise advice for the operation of not just hair dryers, but for many machines and devices. "Never use while sleeping" is applicable for:

* 18-wheel transport trucks

* Cement mixers

* Dental drills

* Hot air balloons

* Chain saws ("Never use while bathing" also applies here)  

And a viewer writes:  "Never blog while sleeping."  Thank you.

Our Favorite Witch

As this is St. Patrick's Day, it is time to raise a glass of Old Bushmills or Johnny Jameson to our favorite Irish witch.

The most fascinating and infamous dwelling in Kilkenny is Kyteler's Inn, now a public house, but in the early 14th century the home of Dame Alice Kyteler.  Dame Alice was an almost supernaturally beautiful young woman, and the town's wealthiest banker fell under her spell. Besotted with love, he married her, and not long after, the banker cashed in.  As did Dame Alice's three subsequent rich husbands.

It was rumored that not only had she poisoned them, but that she was a witch.  In 1323, convicted of witchcraft, she was condemned to be burned at the stake.  But the night before the fire was to be lit, Dame Alice mysteriously vanished from the dungeon and from sight. 

Some said she went to England, to explore that country's banking system.  It was thought she had slipped aboard a ship--in the form of a black cat.  

Happy 131st, Al!

The sage of Lantzville alerts us to a celebration of Albert Einstein's birthday, this very day.  (In days of yore, it is believed, the Lantzville Kid played on the same line as Al in a Saskatchewan beer league.)  We must get a suitable card for Al; it is hard to find one that says "Congratulations! You're 131!"

They are celebrating appropriately at the Israeli Academy of Sciences and Humanities.  This Jerusalem institution has put on display Einstein's original, handwritten manuscript of "A General Theory of Relativity."  Protection for the 46 pages is roughly the same as that accorded the Mona Lisa.

Vancouver Opera Association, having summoned the jam to stage "Nixon in China," might now consider a production of Philip Glass's "Einstein On the Beach."  And we all might jog out to the local DVD dream pharmacy to pick up a copy of the 1994 film "I.Q." which had Walter Matthau as Einstein.

Finally, before we present our closing doggerel, let us make clear that the P.D. panel has great admiration for the sculptures of Jacob Epstein, and views the writings of Gertrude Stein with awe and puzzlement.  So no negativity on our side, but we do like this old limerick:

"I don't like the family Stein.

There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein.

Gert's poems are bunk,

Ep's statues are junk,

And nobody understands Ein."

Saving Daylight

Daylight Saving Time is once again upon all of us unlucky not to be in Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan, in deference to its large bovine population, which likes milking time to follow a strict schedule, does not push its clocks forward.  If it did, there would be barnyard revolt. As Mr. Berkeley Bigler of Bengough has observed, "Those cows have minds of their own."

But there are benefits to DST.  One summer I was able to save so much daylight, carefully collecting it and storing it in a closet, that I was able to cultivate a fine bronze tan in the midst of a January blizzard.

While we are now told that Daylight Saving Time is an energy conservation measure, most of us know that it was initially introduced to facilitate more hours on the golf course.

And once again, cows have the edge.  Very few cows are known to play golf.

Slim outweighs Fat

Forbes Magazine  reports that the wealthiest person in the world is now Carlos Slim Helu, of Mexico.  Slim's personal fortune has been estimated at from $53.5 billion to $67.8 billion.  Either figure tops the riches of Bill Gates and Warren Buffet (#2 and #3 on the Forbes list) and is also more than the $38.50 presently owned by Orville Fat Hummel, Pres. and CEO of Pointless Digressions.

Senor Slim is engaged in a number of enterprises, including telecommunications, amassing his fortune shrewdly, "one peso at a time."  

Viewers are encouraged to send donations to the "Get Bill Gates Back On Top" fund.  Cheques should be made out to Orville Fat Hummel, who will see that the money gets to the right place.

Zoot Soot

A viewer writes:  "I have just been listening to a recording of 'Dream Dancing' by Mr. Zoot Sims and have been entirely enchanted.  Please tell me, was 'Zoot' his given name?"

Ha ha!  Madam, you have come to the right place!  No, "Zoot" was not the name pronounced at the baptismal font.  The infant tenor saxophonist was christened John Haley Sims.

How, you now wonder, did he acquire the appellation "Zoot"?  It came as a result of his  youthful introduction to the music scene. He performed in a band in which a trio of saxophone players, in rented white dinner jackets, stood behind music stands labeled "Root," "Toot" and "Zoot." 

And Madam, you have guessed it!  He stood behind the stand identifying him as "Root"!

Pointless Digressions welcomes all questions and is prepared to provide authoritative answers. All major credit cards accepted.  Bags of cash preferred.

Oscar Who?

"Everyone else was acting so compulsively I had to do something compulsive too."  That was Nelson Algren, writing about writing about Hemingway in "Notes from a Sea Diary " (1959). But I feel much the same in writing about the Academy Awards.  Everyone is doing it.  If you don't do it, they come and take away your laptop and your Blockbuster Video card.

I don't really want to write about the Academy Awards, and I feel uneasy about again sitting through the four-hour show.  When it's over you feel like the guy in the old TV commercial who said "I can't believe I ate the whole thing."

So what I'm going to write about (and probably everyone has a list of this sort) is people who should have won Oscars and didn't.

* Peter O'Toole.  Perhaps the most astonishing mistake of all.  O'Toole wasn't even nominated for Best Actor for his role as Lawrence of Arabia.

* Peter Sellers.  Played three distinct characters in "Dr. Strangelove"--RAF Captain Lionel Mandrake, US President Merkin Muffley, and the crazy genius Dr. S. himself.  After Marlon Brando won for "On the Waterfront," Humphrey Bogart said "They should wrap up all the Oscars in Hollywood, including mine, and give them to Brando."  They should have given Sellers three for "Dr. Strangelove."  Not even a nomination.

* Richard Jaeckel.  At least he got nominated for his enormously likable evangelical and wildly sex-happy lumberjack in "Sometimes a Great Notion."  But no golden statuette at night's end. 

* Lee J. Cobb.  Never a nod from the Academy, despite decades of great performances; e.g., Johnny Friendly in "On the Waterfront." 

* "The Big Knife."  The Academy has never had a category for ensemble performances, but had there been one in 1955, a major contender would have been this film of a Clifford Odets play with a cast that included Jack Palance, Ida Lupino, Rod Steiger, Wendell Corey, Jean Hagen, Shelley Winters and Ilka Chase.  Other superb ensemble performances include almost everything Robert Altman made, but especially "Gosford Park."

* "Singin' in the Rain."  Now generally acknowledged to be the best musical ever made.  What did it win?  Fuhgeddabudit.

* Jean Hagen.  Most often seen as a mistreated and teary gangster's moll, Ms. Hagen gave an unforgettable knockout comic performance as Lina Lamont, the silent movie queen with an appalling voice in the aforementioned "Singin' in the Rain."  If ever a performer deserved a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, it was Ms. H.

And we will leave you with one of her memorable lines from that film:  "If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, we feel all our hard work ain't been in vain for nothin'."  

That line, and all the others in "Singin' in the Rain," was written by Betty Comden and Adolph Green, who also wrote "On the Town," "The Band Wagon," "Bells are Ringing" and half a dozen other movies.  They didn't win anything, either.

Post-Olympics Clear-out Sale

It has been revealed that many of the players involved in 2010 Olympics hockey were not in attendance for the closing ceremonies, a fact that has sparked cries of outrage from the sorts of people who e-mail sports pages signing themselves "Troo Bloo Canuck."  They feel that athletes who failed to attend the wind-up gala should be stripped of their medals and, if not made to face a firing squad, be condemned to sail the world forever on a ship that never docks, the punishment suffered by the title character in "The Man Without a Country," he having been  disenfranchised for whistling "Salt Peanuts" during the playing of "The Star-Spangled Banner" or some equally heinous offence.  Further to the hockey brouhaha, outraged fans are muttering that perhaps the game should be dropped from future Olympics, to be replaced by something like volleyball on ice.

The Digressions crew also missed the closing ceremonies, having previously been committed to a sauerkraut tasting, but we do have a report from faithful correspondent Whitfield Wallaby, who writes as follows:  "When the Canada-US hockey game ended, I went in search of a bracing beverage, but, as the liquor vendors had locked their doors at two o'clock, I was compelled to settle for a bottle of almond extract.  Falling into an altered state, I dreamed I was trapped at an event populated by giant beavers and dancing Mounties.  I thought I witnessed poor William Shatner delivering lame jokes and wishing that the floor beneath him would open up, or that he could morph into Denny Crane.  It was a frightening mirage, part 1950s Vegas club show, part early CBC-TV variety.  I thought I heard Ryan Miller say 'Losing the game was disappointing, but this is a nightmare'."

Meanwhile, the auctioning of thousands of items of Olympics memorabilia has begun, with buyers willing to pay up to $600 for a hockey puck.  Here at Pointless Digressions we have, for sale to the highest bidder, half  a poppy seed roll left behind by a member of the Azerbaijan team.  Genuine tooth marks!

Finally, a person who wishes to remain anonymous wants to know what he is offered for Sidney Crosby's gloves.  

Memorial Notes from All Over

We have just received a copy of the program for a memorial service which includes the usual Celebration of Life information, but which has, on the reverse, the Saskatchewan Roughriders logo, the team's schedule for the 2010 season, and the line "Go Rider Go!"  Which, we suppose, is a tribute to the super fandom of the person who has gone Riders gone.

One hopes that wherever he has gone, he has a great view of the games.

Bringing Down the Budget

In line with his federal and provincial counterparts, Uriah Chizelflint, Pointless Digressions Minister of Finance, has brought down his 2010 budget.

"This is a cautious but reckless budget," said the terminally confused Chizelflint.  "We are going to cut back severely on essential services and spend lavishly on risky, suspect and demonstrably hare-brained projects."  Highlights of the 2010 PD Budget follow:

* Education:  $21.35 for renewed subscription to National Enquirer. 

* Infrastructure:  $1.89 for paper clips.

* Arts, Culture and Sports:  $12.50 for autographed photo of Alvin and the Chipmunks, offset by expected revenue of $5,000 for Sidney Crosby's gloves, obtained at conclusion of Canada-US hockey game. 

* Community Outreach:  Significant savings anticipated though recycling of Christmas, Hanukkah, and Valentine's Day cards.  $1.50 for White-Out.

*  Travel:  Sizable reduction of travel expenses through use of elderly neighbor's bus pass. 

*  Health:  $341 for medicinal spirits and consultation with Dr. Jack Daniel.

*  Taxation:  Expect cost of perusing of this blog to rise sharply.  

Old Friends

Hey, old friend

Are you okay, old friend?

What do you say, old friend,

Are we or are we unique?

Time goes by,

Everything else keeps changing;

You and I,

We get continued next week.

Most friends fade

Or they don't make the grade.

New ones are quickly made

And in a pinch, sure, they'll do.

But us, old friend,

What's to discuss, old friend?

 Here's to us--who's like us

   Damn few!

--Stephen Sondheim, "Merrily We Roll Along"

Posted in memory of old friends:  Ray Lees. Brian Cross. Terry Garner. Bill Hutchinson. Jack and Jim Hutchinson. Jim Kern. Bernie Vinge. Doug Hughes. Tom Huntley. Peter Ross. Art Hives. Denny Boyd. Larry Rose. Syd Boyling. George Price. Bob Giles. Jay Leddy. Larry Macdonald. Brad Keene. Ron Grimster. Jean-Luc Bertrand. Jack Brooksbank. Godfrey Gower. Ted Scott.   

Ain't but a few of us left.   

Last Olympics Post. We Promise.

Those suffering Olympics withdrawal might alleviate their distress by picking up a few Olympics-theme films at their friendly DVD dream pharmacy.

There have been more movies with Olympics settings than one might think (or fewer. depending on who one is).  From these, the Digressions panel has selected three it deems worthy of viewing, from--in this order--the years 1982, 1969 and 1965.

1.  "Personal Best."  Written and directed by Robert Towne, better known for writing "Chinatown" and "Shampoo."  Mariel Hemingway stars as a runner training for the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow (subsequently boycotted by the US, to the bitter disappointment of American athletes).  Co-star is Patrice Donnelly, an All-American hurdler who represented the US at the 1976 Olympics.  Music score by Team Dresch, an early punk rock group.

2.  "Downhill Racer."  Directed by Michael Ritchie ("The Candidate") from a script by novelist ("A Sport and a Pastime") James Salter.  No one has ever captured competition, whether athletic or political, better than Ritchie.  The downhill racer of the title, a rather scruffy and self-centred skier, is played by Robert Redford (Roger Angell, writing about baseball films, said that Redford is one of the few actors who has the moves of an athlete).  The ever reliable Gene Hackman and Dabney Coleman turn up as coaches.  Filmed in the Austrian Alps.

3.  "Walk, Don't Run."  Lightest of the three, and the most fun, this lark is set in Tokyo, site of the 1964 Summer Games.  Stars Cary Grant, Jim Hutton and Samantha Eggar as three people who end up sharing a small apartment in a very crowded city.  The sport under examination is race walking, which looks like a lot of work.  Music score by Quincy Jones, with songs by Peggy Lee (including the appropriately titled "Happy Feet") and fine contributions by Toots Thielemans and Harry "Sweets" Edison. 

You decide who gets the gold.