Saturday, December 31, 2011

What, 2012 already?

A quiet moment before the bells ring, the sirens wail, the fireworks explode, partyers on the floor above start singing "Auld Lang Syne," the neighbor next door comes by to borrow a cup of gin, and the police arrive. As Fats Waller put it so memorably, "The Joint is Jumpin'".

January 1 was not always the beginning of the year--ancient Romans got their calendars going in March. The English did not take January 1 as New Year's Day until 1752. Presumably that was the year they discovered Champagne. 

The making of resolutions is a custom that seems to endure. One that did not last was the bribing of magistrates--we are not making this up--which was abolished by law in 1290. However, you may still find someone in elected office willing, for old time's sake, to accept a packet of cash slipped under the table.

Enjoy the holiday. And should you find you have celebrated not wisely, but too well, take heart from the words of Jack Wasserman: "It is better to have a morning after than to never have a night before."    

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Blessings on you, Brother, and take that!

It has been reported that a fight broke out between priests at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. Fifty to sixty reverend battlers of Greek Orthodox and Armenian faiths began swinging broomsticks. They were heard calling to each other, "Peace to you, Brother!" Whap! "Yeah, same to you, fella." Bash! 

In Pyongyang, North Korean police arrested dozens of citizens after the funeral cortege of Kim Jong Il passed by. The arrestees were charged with underacting.

And in the Agitated States, the lineup of candidates for the Republican presidential nomination was increased today by the entry of Grumpy, Dopey and Sleepy. Grumpy is currently leading in the polls, but all those running are nervous about the anticipated entry of Larry, Curly and Moe. 


Monday, December 26, 2011

Fans by Age Groups

Watching, with pleasure, Leonard Cohen's London concert, we noted that Cohen, age 77, is the Justin Bieber of the septuagenarian crowd. Bieber, of course, is the favorite of the tweenies.

Tom Jones devotees used to throw various items of lingerie at the Welsh belter.  At Bieber concerts, they throw training bras. At Cohen performances, they throw supp-hose.

In the middle of these age groups, we find Michael Buble. What do fans throw at his concerts? Cannoli.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Scrooge Redux

Cadwallader Scrooge, great-nephew of Ebenezer, woke in the wee small hours to the sound of rapping on his door and the dragging of chains. He knew, it being Christmas Eve, that it was Steve Marley, great-nephew of Dickens's Marley, and the notorious purveyor of fraudulent Sri Lankan junk bonds, back to haunt him again.

"C'mon, Steve," said Scrooge. "Give it a rest. I had a late night. Too much Brand X egg nog." 

"Be warned," intoned Marley, giving it his best Ken Nordine imitation, "three ghosts will come to visit you this night."

"Tell them to make an appointment," said Scrooge. "Have their people call my people."

Marley dragged his chains away, off to torment various MPs, MLAs, premiers and prime ministers. A long night ahead.

Scrooge had drifted off, dreaming of old Esther Williams movies, when a spectral presence appeared at his bed. A spectral presence in the form of Bernie Madoff.

"I," said the figure, "am the Ghost of Christmas Past. Look back, O Mortal, to those times when you left meagre, insufficient tips in restaurants, at hair dressers, and shoe shine stands. Should you not mend your ways while there still is time, you will spend eternity as a bus boy in Hades."

Scrooge reached for the Grey Goose vodka under his bed and went back to sleep. For a moment. Came then another knocking at his door, and a voice ringing out,"Cadwallader Scrooge! I am the Ghost of Christmas Present."

Scrooge replied, "Sorry, buddy. You have the wrong address. The man you're looking for moved last year. Check your address book."

"Sorry, guy," said the ghost, and departed.

Scrooge was back in dreamland, playing the lead role in a 649 commercial, when the next visitor appeared. "I," said a juvenile voice, "am the Christmas Future." A figure appeared in the guise of Justin Biebert.

"What," said Scrooge, "I couldn't get Lady Gaga? I couldn't get Feist?"

"You get what you deserve," said the ghost, as he suddenly transformed into Robert Goulet. "And here is what awaits you. Elizabeth May as Prime Minister. Rick Mercer as Governor-General. Twenty-four-hour 1970s elevator music. A pipeline running through your bedroom.  A tax audit. Nothing on television except adult diaper and walk-in bathtub commercials. An investigation into..."

"No, no," cried Scrooge. "Stop! Tell me what I can do to prevent this."

"A simple gesture of generosity," said the ghost, "Merely sign over your shares in Apple, Microsoft and RIM to Ghosts.Inc."

"Where do I sign?" gasped Scrooge.

The ghost smiled, handed him a pen, and said, "Sign here."   


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Bobby Lou Sings!

News that pop crooner Michael Buble had suited up for practice with the Vancouver Canucks was followed today by an announcement that Canuck goalie Roberto Luongo is scheduled to sing with the Buble band. "That's right," said Buble's manager, "we're all eager to hear Roberto's signature song, 'The Ballad of Bobby Lou'."

And there's more show biz excitement for the Vancouver team. The entire Canuck lineup will appear in an upcoming Michael Buble video, dancing a routine from "Chorus Line." Canuck coach Alain Vigneault said, "We've been working on the choreography and we've got some pretty slick moves. I think you'll be surprised."

"You bet," said Henrik Sedin. "Eat your heart out, Dave Bolland."

Friday, December 16, 2011

Zat You, Santy Claus?

Late one cold December night, as the embers in the fireplace glowed and the brandy in our snifters warmed, a great clatter and considerable profanity came from the chimney. And suddenly standing there, covered in soot and with a bird's nest on his toque, stood Santa Claus. A spectacularly unkempt and un-jolly Santa Claus. A Santa Claus who looked like Nick Nolte.

"Uh--is that you, Santa Claus?" I asked.

"Who the #&*$& comes through the chimney?" he said. "And is it too much to ask that you get the $#@&*% thing cleaned once a year?"

"Perhaps," I said, "I could offer you a restorative brandy?"

"Just tell me where the liquor's kept," he said. "I'll serve myself."

As he stood by the liquor cabinet drinking a rare Glenfiddich from the bottle, we were interrupted by a commotion at the entrance door. Standing there dripping on the Aubusson carpet was a bedraggled creature in a green elf outfit. A creature who looked remarkably like Christian Bale. 

"My head elf," said Santa. And to the elf, "Where you been, pal? Stop at a strip joint somewhere?"

"Had to park the freakin' reindeer. Not easy in all that %#$*& snow. But listen, man, where are the chicks?"

"This isn't the place. I know I promised you the sorority residence again, but after last year, they've made it a no-fly zone. I ask you, what kind of Christmas spirit is that?" 

"What a drag. Hey, Donner and Blitzen are a little peaked after all that egg nog. Okay if I bring them in?"

The door swung wide and two wobbly reindeer slumped in. I must report that the reindeer had not been house-broken. Goodbye, Aubusson carpet.

"Is that all the booze you've got?" said Santa, throwing another empty into the fireplace.

"I thought," I said, "the usual treat was cookies and milk."

"Are you serious, man? On a run like this?"

"Remember when we used to hit Miles Davis's place?" said the elf. "That was cool."

"Very cool," said Santa.

"One year we didn't get back to the Pole until January."

"Ma Claus was already talking to her lawyer." 

"Good thing you brought her some of that Liz Taylor jewelry."

"She said to me, 'Now this is the kind of ice I like.'  Okay, Elf, time to move. With luck, we can make the late show at The Penthouse."

Reaching into my teak humidor, he extracted a half-dozen hand-rolled Cuban cigars. "You got good taste, fella," he said. "We'll be back. Maybe bring some of the other elves."

And then, before vanishing up the chimney, he pressed a finger to his roseate proboscis and said with a wink--or, perhaps, twitch--of his eye. "Stay cool, dude."

"What happened," I said, "to Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night?"

"Oh, man," he said, "that is so last Christmas."


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Mike's socks

Superstitions abound in sports, and one that worked for Mike Benevides involved his socks.

Benevides, today named new head coach of the BC Lions, told reporters that as defensive coordinator he wore the same pair of socks for the Lions' last eight games. It is not known if in tight situations he walked close to the opposing team's bench and took off his shoes. 

Coach Benevides said that following the Lions' Grey Cup win, he had the lucky socks incinerated. Or someone did. 

We believe he should have had them bronzed.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Pointless Christmas Gifts

Got your gift list checked off? Got what you need to thrill all those special folks in your life? Or do you suffer from mallphobia and can't face the crowds and bad background music? in that case, fret no more! Our Pointless Presents Panel has put together a sure-to-please gift list for those who have everything. (Or nothing--works both ways.)

* Angie and Joe Fighting Dolls! Miniature replicas of Joe Kapp and Angelo Mosca. Wind them up, and they slug it out. Batteries not included.

* "Even Stephen"--the PM's great follow-up CD to his Grammy-nominated "Grievin' Stephen." Special guests: Celine Dion and Rob Ford.

* The D.B. Cooper Getaway! Here's the adventure of the year! A parachute drop into the forests of northern Oregon, with a sack full of make-believe money! Better than bungee jumping!  

And still available: Pointless Digressions baseball caps, tee-shirts and coffee mugs, all made in North Korea! 

You can order without leaving your home! Unless, of course, you want to leave your home, a condition known to many at this time of year. For you, we offer inclusion in the Witness Protection Program! Think of it--new identity, new address, attractive false hair! Your creditors can't find you! Your relatives can't find you! for details, call 1-888-GETMEOUT. 

Call now! Operators are waiting!

  

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Newtering the Country

Canadian Environment Minister Peter Kent has proclaimed the accord reached at the Durban, South Africa, conference on climate change "fair and balanced," which shows that the minister either has a fine sense of irony or spends a lot of time with Fox News.

And now, to the U.S., where televised debates among Republicans hoping for their party's presidential nomination are still trailing "Cupcake Wars."  

Backers for Newt ("Whaddya mean, I coulda been a contender? I am a contender!") Gingrich are growing in number, especially among those who believe Harold Robbins deserved the Nobel. They have now formed an alliance known as the Newters. "When Newt becomes president," said one, "we'll Newter the whole country!"

Recalling Irving Berlin's "I Like Ike," the Gingrich team has released a new campaign song. Titled "You're a Beaut, Newt," it beat out "You're So Cute, Newt" and "We Salute Newt." A video has been filmed, featuring Kelsey Grammer in his Sideshow Bob persona as lead singer, with backup by a trio called The Newtettes, representing the present and former Mesdames Gingrich.

A new political genre--the attack song--has also been produced by the Gingrich team. So far, it has songs attacking Governors Perry and Romney, employing their first names, Rick and Mitt. Unfortunately, the lyrics have been deemed unsuitable for general audiences.

Newt's Inventions

Republican hopeful ("I can come back!") Gingrich was criticized today for saying that Palestinians are an "invented people." A Palestinian commentator retorted that is Newt who was invented, and that he is really a reject from Edgar Bergen's dummy factory.

Some suggested that Gingrich's statement was a shameless ploy to draw the Jewish vote. "They're all meshuga," said the ex-Speaker of the House, adjusting his yarmulke. "Just because I show a little chutzpah? Please! Now pass me my knishes and celery tonic."  

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Border Security and Mr. 40 Percent

Prime Minister Stephen Harper met with US President Obama today. It took some time for Mr. Harper to get into the United States. He had to convince the border guards that he was not really a Taliban terrorist disguised as an overweight Canadian politician.

While in Washington, Mr. Harper commented on the unhappiness in Russia following the recent disputed election. "They're upset that Putin's party got a little less than fifty percent? Heck, we got in with forty percent, and look at the job we're doing."

It was noted that the Russian leader was seen recently crooning "Blueberry Hill" with a Moscow doo-wop group. Mr. Harper advised, "Keep it up, Vlad. But you might want to get some newer material." 

The Prime Minister then exited the Oval Office, singing "I'm Hip."


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Good Golly, Coach Wally!

Wally Buono, forever (at least for now) referred to as "the winningest coach in CFL history," has announced his retirement as head coach of the BC Lions. He will still be around, however, as general manager of the team and vice-president, football operations, and he may turn up to accept the Annis Stukus Trophy for a fourth time as Coach of the Year.

The odds favor Mike Benevides, longtime Lions defensive coordinator, as Buono's successor (although Jacques Chapdelaine, the offensive coordinator, may be saying, "What am I, chopped liver?") and a long shot is ex-Lions QB Dave Dickenson, now offensive coordinator for the Calgary Stampeders. But Wally may surprise us all again, and appoint an unknown high school coach from Five Flats, Arkansas. 

The real reason Coach Buono is stepping back, some say, is that if he wins many more Grey Cup rings (he has seven--two as a player, five as a coach) he will have to grow more fingers.

Meanwhile, it has not been confirmed that BC Place will have its name changed to Wall-Mart Stadium.

For PD Sports, Slap Maxwell reporting.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

What You Don't Hear from the Santa Claus Parade

Vern Clogsdale, distressed husband: "I can't believe it--my wife ran off with a reindeer!"

Sgt. Brock Largefeet, VPD: "We apprehended a gang of pickpockets dressed as elves."

Al Klatzmir, patron of the arts: "My favorite float was the Penthouse Pole Dancers, wearing toques and tinsel, and sliding down a giant candy cane."

Sgt. Brock Largefeet: "We found several persons seriously impaired from smoking fermented cedar needles."

S. Claus: "I'm calling my agent. Next year I want a better gig. Maybe 'CSI: North Pole'."

Sgt. Brock Largefeet: "We are taking S. Claus in for questioning." 


Thursday, December 1, 2011

Cookbook Etiquette

Arranging cookbooks on a shelf is something like placing guests at a dinner party. How are the seating combinations going to work? Will they charm or repel each other? Is it safe to put Anthony Bourdain's "Kitchen Confidential" next to Susan Mendelson's "Mama Never Cooked Like This"? 

Will Bobby Flay and Julia Child get along? What will Jamie Oliver and Joanne Kates have to talk about? Are Denny Boyd's "Man on the Range" and Laurie Colwin's "Home Cooking" a good pairing? Will Emeril be captivated by Barbara-jo McIntosh's "Tin Fish Gourmet"? Can James Barber's "Peasant's Choice" be a compatible match for Jane Brody's "Good Food Book" or will she turn to Pierre Dubrulle?

We still have to seat Nero Wolfe, Vij, Caren McSherry, Mark Bittman, and--wait! Madame Benoit is running away with Keith Floyd! 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Blow by Blow with Angie and Joe

It turns out the great match this Grey Cup weekend is not between the Lions and Bluebombers, but between Joe Kapp and Angelo Mosca. Fists, flowers and canes flew at the Grey Cup alumni lunch. 

It was the first encounter between Angie and Joe since the mid-1960s, when Kapp was the Lions' fleet quarterback and Mosca was a juggernaut lineman for the Ti-Cats. Apparently the warm feeling between the two has endured for almost half a century.

The dust-up between the two 73-year-olds has given reality TV producers a host of new ideas. Vance Loudermilk, President of Banal Productions, says, "We already have it on our radar. We're thinking of scheduling a show called 'Septuagenarian Sluggers.' I can see it now--two grizzled geezers battling it out over their walkers!"

Loudermilk is not alone. Also expressing interest is Royce Vinderlost, whose hit shows include "Mud Wrestling with the Stars" and "Celebrity Memory Loss." 

Meanwhile, an Ottawa-based production company is considering a show in which old political rivals would duke it out. Burt Popoff of Lowcost TV says, "Imagine getting John Turner in the ring with Brian Mulroney! Or Paul Martin with Jean Chretien!"

A source close to the current Prime Minister says there are no plans for Mr. Harper to pull on the gloves with Michael (Ali) Ignatieff. However, there is talk of a musical venture: "Sing Along with Steve."

Friday, November 25, 2011

Shock and Delight Your Friends!

Available now--the Complete List of Banned Words!

Yes, viewers, for the first time you are able to own the complete list of words and phrases branded obscene or objectionable by the government of Pakistan! Contains many words known only to Pakistani censors!

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(Not recommended for use on social media. Remember: Watch how you text/Or your head may be next.)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Sad Thanksgiving

The saddest symbol of the American Thanksgiving this year is the painting on the cover of the November 21 edition of The New Yorker. 

This is not the typical Norman Rockwell painting of a happy multi-generational family gathered around the festive board; instead, it is a tableau as bleak and lonely as any by Edward Hopper.

The scene is a slightly below average cafe, with a table set for a solitary diner: chunky water glass, one limp flower in a glass bottle between salt and pepper shakers, a square of butter on two slices of processed white bread, and a plate holding one drumstick, a pool of gluey gravy in a mound of instant mashed potatoes, and the obligatory sides of carrots and peas. The lone diner is not seen.

The painting is by Wayne Thiebaud. Its title, appropriately, is "Turkey Dinner."
    

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Homage to St. Cecilia

Belated homage. November 22 is the feast day of St. Cecilia, and it seemed to us that insufficient attention was paid. We're sure that Rupert Lang, Patrick Wedd and other organists will have had this second century singer-saint in mind, for it was she who invented the organ.

Cecilia is the patron saint of music--it is said an angel fell in love with her musicianly talent. She is also the patron saint of the blind, for she herself was blind. Her husband was Valerian, who honored Cecilia's vow of chastity. Both were given the crown of martyrdom, brought from Paradise by the angel.

In London, on St. Cecilia's Day, the Worshipful Company of Musicians processes to St. Paul's Cathedral for divine services. Would that we could see such processions everywhere, for, as Dryden versified:

"At length divine Cecilia came 
 Inventress of the vocal frame." 


Monday, November 21, 2011

Another great $#%&* idea from Pakistan

Gregor Robertson, re-elected Mayor of Vancouver, told followers, "I am very $#*+& happy."

Meanwhile, Guardians of the Nation's Morals in Pakistan have released a list of 1600 words deemed "obscene" or "offensive," which must be excised from text messages and other social media. Some of the words appear to be known only to the censors, and there is a strong belief that they made them up. This seems to call for an investigation by the Official Pakistani Regulators of Thought Processes.  

Asked for his opinion on the Pakistani ruling, Mayor Robertson said, "I think it's a very sound $#@%&* idea. I wish we could have used it on those #$@&*+ NPA commercials."

Friday, November 18, 2011

Report from the Twilight Zone

"Breaking Dawn," the penultimate film in the "Twilight" series, which chronicles the love life of a vampire, has just opened in theatres across North America and Transylvania. Appropriately, the initial screaming--uh, screening--was at midnight. For a report, we go to our resident cinematiste, Byron "Thumbs Up" Applethorpe. Over to you, By:

"Well, P.D., it was an experience. I attended the screening with my new lady friend, Vladima. Frankly, I was a bit confused. I thought the movie was 'Braking Don,' a biopic on the great Kettle Valley brakeman Don 'Switcher' Bloomer. I was wrong.

"When we were seated, I asked Vladima if she'd like anything from the confection counter. 'Yes,' she said, 'a big orange: blood orange.' 

"The film rolled on, and I confess, gripping as it was, my mind wasn't on the movie. That Vladima brings a new meaning to the word necking.

"After the show, I suggested we go for a bite. She said,'I'm always ready for a bite. But I must be home before sunrise.'

"We went to Sloppy Ed's for snacks, and everything was going fine until my roasted elephant garlic appy arrived. Vladima took one whiff and split.

"So, I ate both our orders and went home. My roommate said, 'Hey, By--what's that on your neck?'

"I said, 'Is it a hickey?'

"He said, 'No, it looks more like two small puncture marks.'

"That's it for now, P.D. I have to run--I have a sudden irresistible craving for blood sausage. "   

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Watch out! Here come the Octogenarians!

Recent statistics reveal that the fastest growing age group in Canada is post-85. You may wonder what this means for our home and native turf. Here are a few indications of the future:  

* Radio stations devoted entirely to the music of Lawrence Welk, Russ Morgan, and Shep Fields' Ripplin' Rhythm 

* All-night raves devoted to crazed whist parties

* A rush on bolo ties and supp-hose

* Interprovincial whittling competitions

* A National Horseshoe League

* The replacement of Justin Bieber and Sidney Crosby as fan favorites by the two geezers in the TD Bank commercials

Be ready--it's coming! The onslaught of the Octogenarians!

 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Fall Football

And so the long-reigning (well, two seasons) Alouettes are headed earlier than expected to the golf course, while in Alberta, it was good to see former St. Thomas More teammates Jon Cornish and Calvin McCarty perform well on opposing teams. 

Good to have Hamilton Tiger-Cats back in the playoffs, but can they hold off Buck Pierce ("toughest man in the CFL") and the mighty Bluebomber defence? 

As for the Western final, BC Lions vs. Edmonton Eskimos--well, we don't want to jinx it, so we'll remain silent.

Today, according to the Writer's Almanac, is the birthdate of both St. Augustine and Robert Louis Stevenson. Recommended reading tonight: the "Confessions" and "Treasure Island." (We were going to suggest "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde," but that might interfere with your sleep.)

Notes from Slap Maxwell, sports, and Ashley Cartwright, arts. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Justin and Sid

We thought we had run into Sidney Crosby in a shopping mall the other day, but it turned out to be merely a life-size cardboard replica of Sid the Kid. Not long after that, we found ourselves face to face--well, not quite face to face, due to height differences--with Justin Bieber. Another stand-up cardboard cutout.

We were reminded of an incident involving Al Pollard, one-time BC Lions running back and CKLG sportscaster. Al had taken on a job as manager of Oscar's Steak House on Georgia Street in Vancouver. In the lobby was a life-size image of Al in his Lions uniform. One evening, a couple of patrons who may have over-spent their time at the bar kidnapped the cardboard statue and began lugging it across the street to the Ritz Hotel. Enraged, Al took off across Georgia, dodging traffic the way he had dodged tackles, and brought down the miscreants on the steps of the Ritz. Satisfied, he tucked his cardboard self under one arm and walked back through the traffic to Oscar's--where, we hope, the crowd cheered and bought him a drink.

Note to fans: the cardboard cut-outs of Justin and Sid do not sign autographs. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

See How They Run

There seems to be some strange compulsion this fall driving people to run for public office. In Vancouver, some thirty people, a busload, have tossed their hats (or wigs or nose rings) into the municipal election. Nine persons have claimed they are the rightful heirs to the NDP national leadership. And in the United States, at least eight characters--the usual suspects--are fighting knife and mud-ball for the Republican presidential nomination. Now it has been reported that a parrot named Wilmer has launched his campaign to take over the US Oval Office, with strong Tea Party support.  

And this just in: a surprise candidate for mayor of Pitt Meadows is a Mr. G. Papandreou. Ouzo for all!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Football News and Famous Birthdays

The Montreal Alouettes are waking up this morning saying, "It was just a bad dream, wasn't it? We didn't really lose 43-1 to the Lions, did we? Tell me it was just the poutine working."

In further football news, it was good to see two young Canadians--Jon Cornish of the Stampeders (formerly of St. Thomas More, Burnaby) and Andrew Harris (three touchdowns!) of the Lions--have such a good day.

And now, on to birthdays, and a salute to famous Scorpios who entered the world on this date, if not in the same year. In no particular order, they include John Philip Sousa, Adolphe Sax, Charles Dow, James Jones, Harold Ross, Sally Field, James Naismith, Jim ("Fibber McGee") Jordan, Thandie Newton, Suleiman the Magnificent, and Johanna the Insane. And closer to home, as newscasters like to say, award-winning children's book author Deborah Hodge. A happy day to all, wherever they may be.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Happy 75th to the People's Radio Network

The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation is celebrating its seventy-fifth anniversary, and it is time to remember some of the programs and performers who have popped out of our radio speakers over the decades.

Knock knock!
"Who's there?"
"It's the Happy Gang."
"Well--come ooonn in!"

"Keep happy with the Happy Gang,
Keep happy, start each day with a bang!
A happy Thursday to you 
From the boys and Miss Stokes--
We hope you like our music
And our songs and our jokes,
Yuk yuk yuk yuk."

And we remember with fondness the stories of "Just Mary;" Andrew Allan's Stage series (radio drama, whether from Toronto or Winnipeg, was wonderful, and Len Peterson of Regina wrote great radio plays); "Harmony House" and "The Burns Chuckwagon" from Vancouver, produced by Bill Bellman; Bob Smith's "Hot Air;" and Lorne Green's ne plus ultra eight o'clock newscasts. 

Some say it was the railway that united Canada, and they may be right. But in another way, what drew this country together, in a shared consciousness, was the CBC.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Hairy Lip Club

We have entered the month of Movember. That is not a typo. "Movember" is what this month has been renamed, to launch a national moustache-growing event. The intention is to raise awareness and funds for male health issues, primarily prostate cancer.

Men across the country have donated their upper lips for the cause. The most popular moustache styles are, in ascending bristly order: the Harold Macmillan, the Yosemite Sam, and the Salvador Dali. The Errol Flynn and Teddy Roosevelt did not make the cut.   

In other news, the BC Lions meet the Montreal Alouettes Saturday in what promises to be one of the most exciting games of the CFL season. If the Lions club once again blacks out TCN coverage, fans plan to show their appreciation by pouring hot fudge through the roof of BC Place.

And in Greece, Georges Papandreo, the big sagonaki, announced a referendum on the nation's financial issues. Voters will be asked if they approve a plan to cut wages, lay off workers, reduce benefits, and raise taxes. Watch for Mr. Papandreo soon to be running a curbside souvlaki stand.  

And now, prepare to celebrate Movember--grow a moustache! (Not you, madam.)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Hallowe'en Tale

When George Edwards fell asleep, he was very tired. It had been a long week of meetings and travel, and he had followed his usual Scotch and water with a carafe of St. Emilion at dinner, so what happened that night might have been a dream.

He hoped it was.

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, Edwards felt the bedcovers pulled away from him. He began, irritably, to adjust them. And then he heard a soft voice--a woman's voice--saying, "Ralph--I knew you'd come back." She pronounced the name "Rafe." Edwards felt something silken press against him, arms curve around him.

He sat up at once, pushed back his eyeshade, reached for the light switch. Whatever was happening, he wanted no part of it. He was a responsible man, vice-president of an insurance company, warden of his church, a Kiwanian, a married man preparing to give his eldest daughter in marriage next month. 

"Madam," he said, "I believe you are in the wrong room." The light came on, and he had only a glimpse of a woman in a blue ball gown fleeing through the door. Or vanishing through the door.

Shaken, he arose, took two of the pills his doctor had prescribed, told himself he would give up red wine, and went back to bed.  

When the telephone rang at the hour he had requested, he got up, still groggy from the pills, ordered poached eggs and whole wheat toast from room service, and stepped into the shower, turning the water first very hot and then very cold.

When Edwards had eaten and dressed, he felt in control of himself, and dismissed the nighttime incident as a bizarre dream, but not one he would recount to Martha.

The bellhop who carried his bag from the front desk to the taxi stand looked too old and bent, Edwards thought, to be doing this, but he knew many seniors and retirees had returned, by choice or necessity, to work. 

The man was also annoying familiar. "Well, sir," he said, "sleep all right last night?"

"Satisfactorily," said Edwards.

"No disturbances then?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Wasn't a lady invade your privacy, come for a late night visit?"

"See here, what are you getting at?" Edwards noticed a peculiar odor about the man--poor personal hygiene, he thought, and moved a step away.

"Well, sir, it's just that you was in 1402, and strange things have happened in that room over the years, always on the same date."

"Um--what sort of strange things?"

"Well, single gentlemen check in, and they say that sometime in the middle of the night a woman wearing a long blue dress comes waltzing in, says she's looking for a fella named Rafe."

"This has happened a number of times?"

"Oh, whole lot. Story is, there was a couple from Boston staying in 1402. Honeymooners. One night, fella says he's going down for cigars. Never comes back."

"And now...?"

"Now she turns up once a year, same date, looking for him. Don't suppose she'll find him, though."

They were at the curb, and the taxi first in line had pulled up beside them. "You seem to know the story well," said Edwards.

"Oh, I should," said the bellman. Edwards noticed that the man was now standing erect, and the old fogeyisms in his speech had been replaced by crisp, Gielgudian diction. "I saw them that evening, carried their bags, and detected a certain weakness in the man. When he came down for cigars, I told him of a private club where he might enjoy many other pleasures.

"And," said the man, as his eyes turned a peculiar orange, "for a short time, he did."

Most unpleasant, thought Edwards, handing the man a bill and taking his bag. "When," he said, "is all of this supposed to have occurred?" 

"In 1921. Have a safe trip, home, Mr. Edwards." And then he was gone, leaving only the pungent smell of sulphur.

"Hey, buddy," the cab driver called, "you gonna get in or just stand there talking to yourself?"

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Scary Stuff

As Hallowe'en approaches, we feel it is our responsibility to direct you to entertainments that will scare you out of your socks.  Or, if you are not wearing socks, out of your goose-bumped skin.

Let us look first at stories. A favorite here is "The Phantom," Lee Falk's comic strip about "The Ghost Who Walks," but while clever, not really scary.  There is Henry James's "The Turn of the Screw," which is about as black as it gets, and, on the flip side, Thorne Smith's "Topper," an ectoplasmic romp. A revered archbishop passed along the classic ghost stories of M.R. James, there is the always reliable Stephen King, and Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House" should produce some chills. But for our money, trivial as it is, the best (and most urbane) ghost story is "The Green Man" by Kingsley Amis. (We hear a ghostly clapping somewhere.)  

Music: Programmers always go for the obvious, like "Danse Macabre" and "Night on the Bare Mountain," but a truly scary piece of music is the score from Hitchcock's "Spellbound," once the theramin sets in. One of our contributors played this late at night at his radio station to keep himself awake; terrified, but awake. And if you want to boogie, there's "Monster Mash."

Now, coming to films for the haunted night, there are many spooky offerings and some ("Ghostbusters," "My Favorite Ghost") that are pretty funny. Some, too, that are romantic; e.g., "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir." But best of all is "The Uninvited," which is ghost story, mystery, and romance. Who can forget Ray Milland climbing those stairs, candalabra in hand?

(Okay, there is one more movie, but it is so scary I can't tell you about it.)

A good evening to all spirits hovering. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

3-Day Novel News

Melissa, mistress of the 3-Day novel Contest, has reported initial results of this year's literary marathon. (It was the thirty-fourth--one wonders how many of those who entered in Year One are still whacking out words.) 

Over the Labor Day weekend 548 writers produced manuscripts totaling 13 million words. Entries came from Canada, USA, UK, Australia, France, Germany, India, Ireland, Kuwait, Mexico, Serbia, Spain and Switzerland. Increasingly bleary-eyed judges are now wading into this pile of words, and hope to announce the winner in late January.   

Clyde Bicklethorp produced a work of 100,000 words in which, emulating Jack Nicholson's character in "The Shining," he repeated the line "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" ten thousand times.

Brad Gassenhoop submitted what he termed "conceptual literature," similar to that brief gallery trend known as conceptual art. This meant that Brad simply wrote his idea for a novel: multi-generational family saga taking place on two continents and involving war, mystery, humor, and lots of sex. "It's all there," said Brad. "Who needs to write the whole thing out?"  

A wave of the ink-stained hand to all those now preparing for the 35th 3-Day Novel Contest in 2012. Masochism knows no bounds.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

St. Crispin and Crispian

If you were planing to take your Manolo Blahnik stilettos or your Fox & Fluevog chukka boots into the cobbler today, forget it. He won't be there. Today is the feast day of Crispin and Crispian, patron saints of shoemakers, and traditionally a holiday for those in the craft.

Crispin and Crispian were brothers, born in Rome, who traveled to Soissons, France in the year 303 to introduce Christianity. While there, they supported themselves by mending shoes. (Soles and souls--a little ecclesiastical humor, ha ha.)

Today, their names are better known for the speech Shakespeare gave Henry V on the eve of the Battle of Agincourt: "And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by/But we in it shall be remembered." 

A good day to all, and especially shoemakers and menders. 

Monday, October 24, 2011

Raising the Roof

This department has received a copy of a letter sent to Raising the Roof Ltd. by a gentleman who does not want his name made public for fear of reprisals, but does wish to make his predicament known. Without further editorial comment, here is his letter: 

Dear Sirs:

I was pleased when our strata council selected your firm to repair the roof of our apartment complex. I thought we couldn't do better than a company whose slogan is "When It Comes to Roofing, We Top Them All."

And I must say your team did a fine job, although I often wished they had not set up their base directly above us and tuned their radio to "The Hawaiian Heavy Metal Hour" at 7:00 a.m.

But, they did their job and did it well. Then I was most impressed when your customer relations people sent a letter inviting us to alert them to any deficiencies in the workmanship.

Well, sir, I have no complaints regarding the workmanship, none at all. But I do have one small concern. It's Ralph. You may know who I mean--stocky fella, big moustache, not much on personal daintiness. Ralph was working just above our deck, when one day he heard me shaking a pitcher of Martinis. He called, "I'll be right down." 

Of course, I thought he was kidding, but a minute later, he swung through the patio door, and said, "Hope there's not too much vermouth in there." I guess the Martinis must have been okay, because Ralph drank the whole shaker. Then he hit the refrigerator. "Got any brie?" he said. "How about prosciutto? And you really should get better olives." 

Now, I'm as hospitable as the next person, so I tried to make Ralph feel welcome, even playing him my Willie Nelson gold album, while checking my watch from time to time. But came eleven o;clock, Ralph gave a big yawn and said, "Tough day. Think I'll get me some Zs. Got some blankets in the closet?" And he stretched out on the sofa and started to snore. Sounded like an enraged bull elephant.

In the morning, Ralph said, "Not much for me. Just a latte and a chocolate croissant, and maybe a papaya. Although come to think of it, I could go an Eggs Benny. Morning paper here yet?"

Well, sir, that was three weeks ago, and Ralph is still here. He has emptied the liquor cabinet twice, doubled our food bill, and now he has started wearing my clothes. "Lucky we're the same size, ain't it? Although I am a much more virile guy, if you know what I mean," he says, winking at my wife, Velma. I kind of don't like the way he looks at Velma.

So I wonder--is there any chance you could come around and collect Ralph? I have to say that while I appreciate the work you've done on the roof, I would rather have a drip in the ceiling than a jerk in the room. 

Yours truly.

F______ P______ -- floored by the roofer.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Big Pink Machine

This month the Canadian Football League is targeting breast cancer; thus there is more pink on the turf than we have seen since Jack Hutchinson coached a UBC girls team in the Powder Puff League.

The players, even 300-pound linemen who look ready to bite off an opponent's arm, are wearing pink--pink socks, pink chin guards, pink wrist bands; the coaches are wearing pink--pink baseball caps, pink scarves, pink tee shirts; the broadcasters are wearing pink--pink ties, pink pocket puffs, pink toques; even the officials are wearing pink--pink whistles on pink cords, and they are throwing pink flags. Pink wigs have replaced watermelon helmets, and the white stallion that races around MacMahon Stadium whenever the Stampeders score a touchdown had its mane tinted pink. We have to report that the horse looked embarrassed, probably thinking "What are the guys gonna say back at the stable?" 

In other news, there has been an infestation of bedbugs in some Burnaby libraries. A Ms. T. Gaudet of Nanaimo comments, "This will probably discourage people from reading in bed."

We leave on a chorus of that western classic, "The Mean Old Bedbug Blues."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Sing it again, Tony

Tony Bennett, only octogenarian ever to top the Billboard charts, spoke generously today about the singers who perform with him on his "Duets II" CD. He described Michael Buble as "a great entertainer..perhaps the Louis Prima of today." This may surprise Buble, who will now have to imagine himself singing "Bingo Bango Bongo, I Don't Want to Leave the Congo" and duets with Keely Smith, backed by Sam Butera.

A shelf of fine recordings has come from Mr. Bennett. Among the choicest are the Rogers and Hart set he made with George Barnes and Ruby Braff, his duets with Bill Evans and with k.d. lang, his stomping, knockout performances with the Basie band, and the little known, happy accident of his songs with a Stan Getz quintet (available on a double CD called "Tony and Jazz"). 

Sometime in the 1960s, when Mitch Miller was A&R director of Columbia Records, he got Tony to sing the Hank Williams lament "Cold, Cold Heart." It sold a gazillion copies. But one day, Bennett says, he picked up his telephone and heard a voice say, "Mr. Bennett? Hank Williams. Are you the one who's ruining my song?"

In Tony Bennett's honor, we will pop the cork on a bottle of Asti Spumante.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

And in other news...

Congratulations to RCMP Supt. Mike Diack, who on television this evening, pronounced "resources" correctly'; i.e., accenting the second syllable. 

A Mr. Garner, late of this planet, noted, with his usual prescience, a tendency of speakers to lean on the first syllable of words beginning with "re" leading to "ree-sources, ree-peat, ree-inforcements, etc." He blamed this on Wynton Marsalis.

Congratulations also to Katie Malloch of CBC Radio 2's "Tonic," the best, if not only, jazz deejay in the country (if not the world, but who knows what they're spinning in Pago Pago?) Ms. Malloch tonight announced a new euphemism for someone having departed this world. It is: "crossed the rainbow bridge." Which, of course, we all hope some day to do.

Finally, federal Agriculture Minister Rob Zitz (sounds like a call for Clearasil) said that junking the Canadian Wheat Board and allowing farmers to bargain on their own would be better for them. And who can argue? Remember what clever Jack got by trading his cow for a sack of beans.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Hallowe'en and other scary things

Hallowe'en approaches, and our gang has settled on masks and costumes. Well, almost. We have elected to go as the half-dozen hopefuls for the GOP presidential nomination. Our problem: everyone is fighting to go as Michelle Bachman. This is a switch on last year, when we were dressing up as Stephen Harper and his cabinet ministers. No one was willing to go as Tony Clement. Not even Tony Clement.

In literary news, Margaret Atwood, known to her old UBC colleagues as Peggy, has stated that she does not write "science fiction" (despite such other-worldly novels as "Oryx and Crake"). She writes, she says, "speculative fiction." Which means, we presume, that she writes stock prospectuses and IPOs. 

It has been reported that Canada's finance minister, Jim Flaherty, delivered in Ireland today what has been called a "blistering speech" attacking European governments for not dealing effectively with their financial crises. At the Dublin airport, Flaherty was divested of all his Euros and received a coded message from Prime Minister Harper saying, "Go easy on the Old Bushmills, Jim."

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Searching for Muammar

The search for deposed Libyan strongman Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi has been complicated by the numerous spellings of his name. He is known as Gaddafi, Qadhafi, Khadafy, Gathafi, and several other surnames. 

NATO Commander Sir Oswald Blinken-Trout said, "How do we know what name he will sign when he checks in to a hotel?" Foreign affairs analyst Wilfred Bruggenhoff speculates "Gaddafi may actually be seven different people." 

Meanwhile, there are unconfirmed reports that Gaddafi/Qadhafi has been seen at a Tim Horton's, dipping doughnuts with Jimmy Hoffa.

Investment News

I tried to call my broker to sell my stock in Research in Motion, but couldn't get through on my BlackBerry.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Quick! Grab the remote!

Television commercials for products we would rather not think about while dipping into our bag of Fritos:

-- Adult diapers

-- Cold sore remedies

-- Septic tank removal systems

We have to go now, to watch Pat Boone deliver our favorite walk-in bathtub commercial. Splish splash!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Turkey Lurkey escapes the axe

The notorious Turkey Lurkey (aka "Smirky" Turkey), escape artist from several high security farms, has been taken into the Witness Protection Program. Orville Fishburne, director of relocation, said Lurkey had provided valuable information allowing the bureau to close down many operations that were marketing soy peanut butter as smoked turkey.  

Lurkey has been given the identity "Sam Peacock" and sophisticated cosmetic surgery, including the attachment of a multi-colored, iridescent tail. He said, "Wait till the dames see this! They will be like totally wowed!" 

The location where Lurkey/Peacock now resides remains a secret. Some say it is a vegan commune, while others believe it is the same spot where Igor Gouzenko was hidden for many years. Wikileaks speculates that it is somewhere near Lantzville, BC, and that the renegade gobbler has been seen occasionally sitting in with a local jazz ensemble. 

Sheriff Rudy McGonigal vows to never give up his search for Lurkey. "And when we find him," says McGonigal, "we're going to have turkey jerky."

And this just in: Residents of a turkey breeding farm in Saskatchewan report they are being terrorized by a ghostly flock of headless turkeys. Several have fled their homes, saying, "We couldn't stand the incessant gobbling any longer."

Thursday, October 6, 2011

We have Good Nudes and Bad Nudes

ESPN reports enormous interest in its photograph of Ryan Kesler minus his Vancouver Canucks uniform. Hockey fan Elmira Framitz said, "We heard Ryan had a hip problem, but that hip looks good to me." Adelaide Grimster said, "I'm ready for a body check any time he wants to deliver it!"

However, while ESPN enjoys great success with the undraped Kesler, "60 Minutes" says that so far, there has been little demand for its nude photo of Andy Rooney.    

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Homicidal Laundry

You may remember HAL 2000, the paranoiac computer in Stanley Kubrick's otherwise hilarious "Space Odyssey." Well, Gentle Reader, we have now met its match: the homicidal home laundry.

At first we thought the automatic clothes washer was content to simply swallow hosiery, laughing cruelly as members of the household tried to match one Argyle diamond with one Mickey Mouse sock. Then it began attacking lingerie, forcing us to improvise with paper towel and Saran. 

But now, it has moved on to savage attacks on all manner of garments; it has become the Ferocious Fabric Fiend. In these haunted precincts, it is known as "the Ripper."

We are now using a washboard, left over from our days with the Grand Ole Opry, and a dented basin picked up at a neighborhood yard sale.

Cleanliness may be next to Godliness--but not with the Ripper. We pray it will not soon begin roaming the apartment, seeking new victims in dresser drawers and closets. 

At least you could reason with HAL 2000.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Chess, anyone?

BC Place--the new gazillion dollar structure with a roof that works on the garage door principle--opened this week, and several brawny football players said, "Man, this is nice!" For there they were in a well-lighted, temperature-controlled, wind-free environment to play their game. No more the wind that rushed through what used to be called Taylor Field, no more the frozen surface of Commonwealth in November, no more the challenge of rain or fog at Empire. And no more the game as it was intended to be played.

Football is meant to be played outdoors, with the weather, whatever it may be, adding to the drama and the unpredictability of the contest. With the rise of enclosed stadiums, football has become, in many cities, as protected as a game of chess. Even kids shooting marbles play in real weather.

As for the fans, luxuriating in their super-posterior-width cushioned seats, we doubt they enjoy the same visceral satisfaction as fans standing on the sidelines in the rain or huddled in mufflers in the stands, clutching Thermos bottles filled with restorative beverages.  

A Mr. Garner, late of this planet, once spoke of golf in much the same way, saying that while most players hope for a balmy day on the links, the game was invented in Scotland, and played on blustery, bone-chilling moors. 

Time to get real, sports fans. Or stay home and read "Paper Lion" and "Golf Dreams."  

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Drinking with Hemingway

The current issue of Vanity Fair has an article by A. Scott Berg titled "The Hunt for Hemingway." In it we learn that Hemingway's unknown correspondence is to be published (a collection called "Selected Letters" came out in 1981). What remains is, we are told, enough to fill sixteen volumes, which will be released over the next twenty years.

The irony of this is that Hemingway made very clear his wish not to have his letters published. Nor did he want unpublished material or works in progress to be made public, but that has never stopped those who might profit from their publication.

Berg writes that more than 3,000 documents have been found in Hemingway's Cuban residence, Finca Vigia. Hem, if you really didn't want it published, you should have burned the stuff. 

Of more practical value in the Vanity Fair piece is the listing of the contents of Hemingway's Finca Vigia bar: Schweppes Indian Tonic, Gordon's gin, Old Forester bourbon, Campari, Bacardi rum, and El Copey Agua Mineral.

When the letters come out, Hemingway fans will read them. We'll feel guilty, but we'll read them. Some Old Forester bourbon may ease the guilt.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Rioters promise advance information next time

Vancouver Police Chief Jim Chu has defended his force's failure to prevent the post-Stanley Cup riot, saying the police were not given advance information that a riot was to take place. 

Officials of Riots 'r' Us have apologized, and say that the next time a riot is planned, they will issue a news release. For continuing information, Chief Chu and other interested parties are directed to civildisobedience.com.

On the international stage, Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the United Nations assembly today and railed at GQ magazine for again failing to make its Top Ten Best Dressed list.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

More Leaked Photos!

Our hi-tech wizard, Melville Rimster, reports more leaked photos are creating uproar in Celluloid City!

This past week, fans were shocked at the release of photographs of Scarlet Johansson with a poorly positioned bath towel. The purloined pics apparently were obtained by a person hacking into the actress's cell phone. A spokesperson for Ms. Johansson said, "At first we were taken aback, but realized later that the photographs send a strong message to impressionable youth about regular bathing."  

Now the film world has been rocked by the release of intimate photographs of Ma and Pa Kettle! The racy images depict Ma in her peekaboo flannel nightie and Pa in his Burt Reynolds style plum-colored long-johns.

The photographs were hacked from the Kettles' hand-cranked wall phone, which is still on the party line. "And," says our informant, "these folks really know how to party."

Hollywood is now bracing itself for the threatened release of yet more inside photographs--this time of Lassie and Trigger!  

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Making the list--badly dressed, but happy

Always pleased to find something easily plagiarized, we turn to a fellow blogger to learn about the ten happiest toilers. The top four, guaranteed to keep one in a constant state of euphoria, are clergy persons, firefighters, physiotherapists, and authors.

We have tracked down the man said to be the happiest person on earth. He is Archdeacon Roland J. Canticle, Anglican clergyman, volunteer firefighter, trained masseur, and author of "Hose and Ladder to Salvation." 

Contacted by our staff, Archdeacon Canticle, bouncing on the rectory trampoline, said, "I am so happy I worry that Heaven may be a letdown." The Venerable Roland was immediately knocked off the trampoline by a lightning bolt, but he called out, "I'm still happy!"

The other list of note today is a ranking of the worst-dressed cities in the world. Vancouver comes in at #3. Our Fashion Editor, Quincy Malaprop, takes great umbrage at this. 

"Some," he said, "may fail sartorially, but I believe I have set the standard for elegance in this natty burg." As he spoke, Quincy was wearing a suit tailored from gerbil suede over a Vancouver riot jersey and a classic necktie that lights up in the dark and says "Kiss Me Quick."    

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Greetings, Mr. Benchley

September 15 was the birth date of Robert Benchley, writer, wit, actor, Algonquin Roundtable member, hanger-out with Dorothy Parker.

He said, "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."

Benchley's classic short films turn up occasionally on Turner Classic Movies, and he can often be seen providing nuggets of wit as a supporting player in 1940s comedies. Benchley himself was played in "Mrs. Parker and the Wicked Circle" by Campbell Scott, who looks nothing like the short, plump, moustachioed writer, but pulled off Benchley's routines with great aplomb.

Our favorite Benchley story: he was leaving a nightclub slightly the worse for wear and saw a uniformed man he assumed to be the doorman. He asked him to call a cab. The heavily gold-braided gentleman turned indignantly and said, "Sir, I will have you know I am an admiral in the United States Navy." "In that case," said Benchley, "call me a battleship."

   

Thursday, September 8, 2011

3-Day Marathon--the Aftermath

Tattered survivors of the 2011 3-Day Novel Contest have begun to straggle in. It is a sorry sight, as the literary marathoners drag themselves across the finish line.

Vernon ("Vermin") Klipnagel said, "I was doing good until I was tripped up by a dangling participle."

"You mean you were doing well," said Agatha Hemlock-Smythe.

"Everyone's a #*#&* editor," said Vernon.

"The syntax was hell out there," gasped Rodney Riverton. "I was thrown by a misplaced modifier."

"How many pages did you complete?" asked Agatha.

"Three," said Rodney. "Topped my record for 2010."

"Not exactly 'War and Peace'," snickered Willis Snively.

"No comparison," said Rodney. "Tolstoy had a whole week to write that."

"Well, that's it," said Vernon, rubbing Tiger Balm on an intransigent intransitive. "I'm done, through, never again."

"Never again?" said Agatha.

"Well," said Vernon, "at least not until Labor Day 2012." 

Friday, September 2, 2011

3-Day Novel Triathlon

This is the weekend--the thirty-fourth weekend--for the 3-Day Novel Contest.  Entrants are required to write a novel in 72 hours, from 12:01 a.m. September 3 to 11:59 p.m. September 5.

Many writers have been in training for months for the annnual Literary Triathlon.  Burgess Vanderwort says, "I read the complete works of Anthony Trollope twice and did weight-training with the novels of James Michener. I am now sharpening one hundred H2B pencils to a lethal point." 

Edith Buglethorpe says, "I followed the advice of my personal trainer and started gradually, writing words of one syllable.  I worked up to sentences, then paragraphs, but hit the wall at the novella. But now, with a keg of Faulkner bourbon and an oxygen tank beside me, I'm ready to go."  

3-Day contestants are free to write wherever they wish.  Some write in tree houses, some in bus depots, some in public rest rooms.  Some have taken on unusual challenges. Farley Wotherspoon, for example, has elected to write his novel in rhymed couplets. Amos Dooville plans to write his backward, in the manner of Leonardo da Vinci's mirror writing. "I may not win," he says, "but the judges will remember me."

We wish them all luck. Load up on the benzedrine and industrial strength coffee, and get your call in to Muses 'R Us.  

Friday, August 26, 2011

What's in your Glimmerglass?

Mr. Ian Garner of Ripe, U.K., our roving opera correspondent, has taken up the challenge of New York's Glimmerglass Festival to blend operas and beer.

Mr. Garner has stirred the brew to bring Mozart, Rossini and Britten into the pub with these works:

"Die Entfuhrung aus dem Ser-ale"
"La Donna del Lager"
And our favorite for a pint:  "Billy Budweiser."

Our Ripe reporter also suggested an aria, "Lager al Factotum," Figaro's show-stopper from "The Barber of Seville," with this notation: "Lager ma non Troppo"--lager, but not too much, which he writes, "is always good advice, I think."

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Ray Noble addendum

Further to notes on composer-bandleader Ray Noble, posted a few days ago, this item:

On one of his last albums ("Dream a Little Dream," 1994) Gerry Mulligan included a ballad he called "Noblesse."  In the liner notes, Mulligan wrote "Ray Noble was a song writer and a band leader for whom I had great admiration. He came here [to the USA] in the Thirties from England, and subsequently his band was home to many famous musicians of the time, including Benny Goodman, Tommy Dorsey, Jimmy Dorsey, Claude Thornhill, and many more. He wrote a number of memorable tunes, of which the best known to jazz audiences is 'Cherokee.' 'Noblesse' is my tribute to Ray Noble." 

Friday, August 19, 2011

Arias & Suds

The Glimmerglass Festival, an annual summer opera event on Oisego Lake in northern New York, has launched a competition involving beer. No, not how much can be consumed, attractive as that might be to some. This competition is for the creation of a new beer. 

Francesca Zambello, festival artistic director, says, "Opera and beer have a long history, with many drinking arias and choruses. One of the gems of our area is the superb Brewery Ommegang, and I am proud our organizations can work in tandem to create one special brew."

Amateur brewmasters are asked to "describe your perfect beer, one that brings together your appreciation for both opera and beer." For the whole frothy story, go to glimmerglass.org/the-festival/beer-creation-contest/.

This summer's festival is staging four operas, including "Medea" and the not-quite-opera "Annie Get Your Gun," with--wait for it--Wagnerian superstar Deborah Voigt as Annie Oakley. We look forward to her rendition of "Anything You Can Brew, I Can Brew Better."

Program suggestions for festival planners: "The Brewer of Seville," "The Bartered Brewer," "Die Meisterbrewer von Nuremberg," and anything by Giacomo Meyerbeer.

And now I believe it's your turn to spring for a round.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Noble Ray Noble

Listening the other evening to a performance of "The Very Thought of You" by Kenny Barron and Charlie Haden, we thought again of Ray Noble, who composed that song, along with some sixty others, but is, it seems, seldom remembered in the way that, say, Hoagy Carmichael and Cole Porter, are remembered.

Jazz musicians admire Noble's noble work, from "Cherokee," a great vehicle for both Charlie Barnet and Charlie Parker, to "The Touch of Your Lips," one of Bill Evans's favorite ballads. Among Noble's other songs: "I Hadn't Anyone Till You," "Love is the Sweetest Thing" and "Goodnight, Sweetheart," always the last number played at 1940s high school dances. (Or so we are told by persons who recall that era.)

Noble's first success--at age twenty--was as an orchestrator.  At twenty-two, he was music director of the record company that is now EMI. Born in England, he moved, in 1934, to New York, taking with him singer Al Bowlly and drummer Bill Harty. He put together a band that included Claude Thornhill, Will Bradley, Bud Freeman, Charlie Spivak and yes--Glenn Miller. They opened at the Rainbow Room atop the RCA/Radio City Building, a gig leaders would have killed for. Increasingly rare recordings can still be found. 

Ray Noble became best known to the world at large as music director for Edgar Bergen's network radio show, in which he, along with Nelson Eddy and others, became foils for Charlie McCarthy's lethal humor. He even wrote the Mortimer Snerd theme--not on quite the same plane as "Cherokee." 

Remembered now are those lovely ballads. Let's hope their composer will be remembered as well. 

Name Change for Right Wing

The extreme right wing of the US Republican Party has announced a name change, to further differentiate its policies from those of the Democratic Party. Spokesperson Erwin Stroud said, "From this time on, our candidates will proudly bear the title 'Americans Not All Liberals,' or ANAL."

Stroud continued, "We believe that voters who support such candidates as Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann and Newt Gingrich will embrace ANAL."  

And now, today's Travel Tip: When boarding an airplane, make sure you are not seated next to Gerard Depardieu.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Literary Quotation grabbag

Another slow day at the Digressions Depot, therefore a clutch of quotations:

"The ideal view for daily writing, hour on hour, is the blank brick wall of a cold-storage warehouse." -- Edna Ferber.

"He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him."  -- Oscar Wilde on George Bernard Shaw. 

"Poets aren't very useful/Because they aren't consumeful or produceful."  -- Ogden Nash.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Silly Season Officially Opened in USA

Michele Bachman, described by Andy Borowitz as the candidate preferred by Republicans who find Sarah Palin "too cerebral," has won the Iowa Straw Poll, a fundraising nonevent that should be taken about as seriously, writes The New Yorker's Ryan Lizza, as a corn on the cob eating contest.

(You can tell it's a slow day here when the best lines are swiped from other writers.)

Meanwhile, it is reported that Paul Ryan, the House of Representatives' Republican budget prestidigitator, is a disciple of Ayn Rand, author of "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged." There is good news and bad news here. The good news is that one of the Tea Party heroes can read. The bad news is what he is reading.

A belief that there is something profound or literary in these novels is an adolescent condition like acne, which in most people is a temporary affliction. Ryan, however, has ordered his staff to read Rand's books. Surely there is something in the US labor code that forbids this.

And don't tell Stephen Harper, or soon all the Conservative MPs will have to read "The Wit and Wisdom of Preston Manning."

Friday, August 12, 2011

Watermelon Warning

Saskatchewan Roughriders fans, arriving at Vancouver's Empire Field last weekend, were informed that their watermelon helmets--headgear de rigueur for Roughies fans--were not allowed. Security staff explained that watermelons could become dangerous projectiles. 

Were this so, fans in Regina tonight, watching their team blow two sure touchdown chances within millimetres of the goal, then losing 45-28 to the Calgary Stampeders, might have been tempted to hurl their watermelons at the sputtering Green Machine. 

And this just in: CSIS reports that Iran may be stockpiling watermelons.  

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Harper Bossa Nova

Stephen Harper returns to Ottawa from Sao Paulo, bringing with him many memories, an enthusiasm for the bossa nova, and Carmen Miranda hats for Bev Oda, Leona Aglukkaq and John Baird.

"It was a successful trade mission to this new economic superpower," said a spokesman for the Prime Minister, "and everything went well, after that first address to Brazilian leaders." Mr. Harper had opened his remarks by saying, "I'm delighted to be in Brazil, where the nuts come from." The Prime Minister was surprised by his audience's reaction. "Can't understand it," he said. "Bob Rae told me they'd love the line." 

Later this week, Conservative Party leaders are expected to be entertained at a Brazilian Night Fiesta, where they will be served deep-fried plantains and non-alcoholic daiquiris, and the Prime Minister will sing a number of Brazilian-inspired songs, including "The Big White Dude from Ipanema," "One Vote Samba" and "They've Got an Awful Lot of Pesos in Brazil." 

Monday, August 8, 2011

Golf Dreams

"Where is human nature so weak as in a bookstore?" This memorable line, by Henry Ward Beecher, is on a bookmark from Jane Ross Books in White Rock, a shop we hope is still there.  It was in Jane Ross Books that our literary and golf editor acquired "Golf Dreams" by John Updike, a collection of wonderful pieces, fiction and nonfiction, by the extraordinarily prolific writer.  

"Golf Dreams" includes. among much else, the short story "Farrell's Caddie," recommended to all, even those who think a nine iron is something used to press pants.

One of our team sent a copy of "Golf Dreams" to Canon R.S.L. McAdam, his youthful spiritual mentor, and a dedicated golfer still playing in seniors tournaments in his nineties. There was no response, and our guy thought perhaps it had been unwise to send Updike to a conventional clergyman. You might say he had bogeyed his shot. 

But do check out "Golf Dreams." And meet us for a drink at the nineteenth hole.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Having the Last Word

Famous and not so famous last words:

Edmund Beckett Denison, later Lord Grimthorpe, designer of London's Big Ben: "We are low on marmalade."

Inscription on Frank Sinatra's tombstone: "The Best is Yet to Come."

We trust that Frank is right, and that Lord Grimthorpe will have an endless supply of marmalade. 

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Happy Birthday to the Pres.

Barrack Obama turns fifty today. "What a week," said the US President. "First I have to deal with the debt crisis, and now I get the midlife crisis."

The horoscope reading for President Obama (a Leo) is reassuring. According to the stars "an updated image will boost your confidence, and good things will happen if you strive for your goals. Your lucky numbers are 8, 14, 20, 22, 29, 37 and 42." "I am hoping," said the Pres, "for 2012 to be lucky."

Vice-President Joe Biden burst into the oval office carrying a basketball covered with penuche frosting and sang out, "Happy birthday, Mr. President! In your honor, I have organized a tea party!"

"Thanks, Joe," said the President. reaching for a Nicorette. "But skip the Tea Party."

Monday, August 1, 2011

Bok Choy Day

August 1 was established as a provincial holiday in 1974 under the government of Dave Barrett. It was designated as "BC Day," BC standing for "Barrett's Choice." Later, under Gordon Campbell, BC Day became known as "Big Cheese Day." And, said Premiere Campbell, "I am the Big Cheese."

Residents of Richmond, however, know that the designation "BC" really stand for Bok Choy. Get that Mongolian Hot Pot going, and stir in lots of bok choy! (Bad Chicken Day has been scratched.)

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Enough, already!

Hands up, all who never want to hear another word about the US debt crisis.

Hands up, all who believe the average US congressperson has the mental acuity of a cantaloupe.

Hands up, all who feel this is unfair to cantaloupes.

Hands up, give us all your cash. (Our way out of the debt crisis.)

Saturday, July 30, 2011

On the Cliff with Boehner's Complainers

Those who remember the Kingston Trio's recording of "Tom Dooley" may warm to the version currently being sung in Washington:

"Hang down your head, John Boehner,
  Hang down your head and cry.
  No use bein' a complainer--
  Your bill ain't gonna fly."

Meanwhile, 87 Republican freshmen in the House of Representatives, full of toxic tea, run lemming-like toward the cliff.

Here at the Pointless Digressions base, we are all, to show our support, wearing President "Hoop Star" Obama tee shirts.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Life Imitates Art and Vice Versa

Watching Jim Barker, coach of the Toronto Argonauts, our football analyst, Bradley Turfburn, believes Coach Barker may have been watching Al Pacino in "Any Given Sunday." So far, however, there have been no stand-ins for Jamie Foxx's upchucking quarterback.

And on the subject of overheated coaches, no one, says Bradley, comes close to Bruce Dern as basketball coach Bullion in "Drive, He Said."

Please pass the nachos and beer nuts.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Rescue Opration

DARING OPERATION RESCUES MAN FROM LINKEDIN!

In a daring daylight operation, a 38-year-old businessman identified only as Harvey S., has been rescued from the social network known as LinkedIn. The rescue was carried out by Fred "Duke" Oglethorpe, famous for retrieving young men and women from the Moonies.

"I am so grateful to Duke Oglethorpe" said Patricia S. "My husband had gotten completely carried away. He was connected to 1,543 persons, but"--she paused to dab her eyes--"no longer connected to me." 

Harvey S. is now undergoing deprogramming. "It's looking good," said Oglethorpe "We put him in a room with pen and paper, a manual typewriter, a copy of 'Leaves of Grass' and a Harry Nilsson CD. Pretty soon all those connections will be erased and he can take up real life again."

For Duke Oglethorpe, greater challenges remain. "There's a rumor," he said, "that 10,000 marriages are about to be performed on the Internet, linking total strangers to each other or maybe to a whole lot of others. Our work has just begun."   

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Sunny Orange of Friendship

June 24 was the birth date of John D. MacDonald, and if he had been around to celebrate, he would have been ninety-five years old.

John D. (for Dann) was an alumnus of Harvard and the OSS who wrote a library shelf of novels. He was best known for his Travis McGee series, twenty-one mysteries featuring the skipper of "The Busted Flush," each with a color in the title, from "The Deep Blue Goodbye" in 1964 to "The Lonely Silver Rain" in 1985.

But a more interesting (to this department) and off-beat book is "A Friendship," sub-titled "The Letters of Dan Rowan and John D. MacDonald 1967-1974." MacDonald and Rowan, co-creator of "Laugh-In," had a deep on-again, off-again, on-again friendship, and these letters chronicle that time. 

Worth looking for, in a dusty corner of the library or a good used book store.  

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Boehner Slow Brainer?

Only asking. But here we have--or the United States has--the person who, as Speaker of the House, is second in line for the Presidency, should anything happen, God forbid, to the Chief Executive, and so far he has shown mainly an ability to weep on cue. 

In group meetings, the man with the lime green necktie has the uncomfortable look of someone who doesn't understand what is being said, the manner of a student who hopes desperately not to be called on, for not only does he not have the answer, he didn't understand the question. One feels that if President Obama makes a joke, he has to hurry back to Eric Cantor to see whether it's okay to laugh. 

This is dispiriting for those of us with American roots, but then one remembers this is a nation that once had Dan Quayle as Vice-President. This is a country where, according to recent polls, 51 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born outside the USA and 42 percent of Democrats believe that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney either planned or knew in advance about the 9/11 attacks.

And is the intelligence level significantly higher in Canadian politics? 

Oh, woe. Time for some jazz--maybe Miles Davis's "So What?"

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Linked In to the Spirit World

Now! A new social network that takes you right out of this world! Introducing SpiritLink--the supernatural network that lets you connect with persons no longer on this planet! 

Yes! Have you dreamed of schmoozing with Albert Einstein? Trading gags with Henny Youngman? Flirting with Cleopatra! Now you can! 

Sign up now, to be SpiritLinked with the Spirit World! Frank Dimwoody of Fallen Arches, Manitoba, says "I signed up with SpiritLink and now my friends include William Shakespeare, Greta Garbo, Alexander the Great, and 1,500 others departed this world! I'm now trying to reach John D. Rockefeller to see if he can send me some money." 

SpiritLink--your connection to the Great Beyond!   

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Escaping the Social Network

Okay, it's easy to get linked in; now how do you get linked out? And how do you move from Facebook to faceless? 

All of our new "friends" (350) and "connections" (+500) apparently enjoy being part of a vast network of cyberintimacy. But what about those of us who have hermit-like instincts? Those who would prefer a cave to a global presence? Is there a new antisocial network? A designation for recluses?

It seems impossible to resign from a social network; it's like trying to resign from the Mafia. And don't mention the witness protection program--there's even a social network for them ("Joey the Fink is now connected to Irving the Weasel and 1,500 others"). 

Mark Zuckerberg, what have you wrought? And that goes for the Winklefoss twins, too.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Pen Names

July 18, 1811, was the birth date of William Makepeace Thackeray, remembered best as the author of "Vanity Fair." Thackeray--journalist, editor and publisher, as well as a novelist--didn't always write under (or over) that name. Among his various noms de plume: M.A. Titmarsh, Theophile Wagstaff, C.H. Yellowplush and G.S. Fitzboodle.

Our favorite pen name: B.P. Ballpoint.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Wet Grass and Punk Jazz

Saturday afternoon's scheduled Vancouver Whitecaps soccer game at Empire Field was cancelled, due to a rain-soaked pitch. "I wish," said Lions coach Wally Buono, on his way back from a bad afternoon in Edmonton, "we'd been scheduled to play there." "Me too," said the Roughriders' Greg Marshall.

The Democrat/Republican impasse in Washington over raising the US debt limit is beginning to seem like a 1960s game of chicken. And who would want to be in the car with John Boehner?

Best new name for a punk jazz group: "The Dead Kenny Gs." Our thanks to CBC Radio's Tim Tamashiro for alerting listeners to this. Google the Dead Kenny Gs and you can hear this group, which says it is dedicated to fighting "injustice, cheese and dishonesty."

Back to football: the continuing circulation of quarterbacks and coaches in the CFL reminds us of Jack Wasserman's comment on Vancouver radio--"No need to turn the dial; leave it where it is and listen to the deejays roll by." 

Friday, July 15, 2011

Things One Wants to Forget

The nightmare that will continue to haunt Toronto Argonauts fans is the scene in which their team, the Argos, on Montreal's one-yard line, bobble the ball, and Chip Cox, one of the CFL's most effective and least lovable defensive players, grabs it and runs 110 yards for an Alouette touchdown. 

You may have thought we were making this up, but it did, indeed, occur, tonight in Molson Stadium. A glum ride back to Toronto for the boatmen. 

Meanwhile, AC set another CFL record. So what else is new?

Bradley Turfburn, PD football reporter.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Mr. Keen solves riddle

Once again, Mr. Keen, Tracer of Lost Persons, has come through. If you will incline your eyes to the right, you will see that Mr. Keen has located and returned Flying Rabbit, Mother of Twelve, Tozan, and the other highly valued followers of this not-for-profit (but willing to accept gifts) blog. 

Merci, Mr. Keen. Reward cheque in the mail.

The Lost Patrol

Something most mysterious has occurred, dear readers, if, in fact, there are any readers left. For a long and comforting time, there have appeared on the right side of the screen the visages or symbols of seven discerning persons described as "followers." And now they have vanished! Disappeared! Gone without a trace! 

It is very like one of those books or films we remember--"The Lost Patrol"--in which a band of brave Foreign Legionnaires are swallowed up in the desert mists. (If they have mists in the desert, but you get the idea.)

We wonder--could hackers for some hostile foreign power have seized our followers? Are they now being held hostage somewhere in cyberspace? We have turned over this puzzle to our Computer Specialist, although his technological qualifications end with the door knob.

Missing Persons Bureau, please act! Issue an APB! Find and return our missing followers! Or have them call home. (But not collect.) 

Sunday, July 10, 2011

News of the World News

The statements of senior executives and owners of Britain's now defunct "News of the World" ("we never dreamed any of our people would be so naughty") reminds one of Captain Renault closing down Rick's Cafe Americain in "Casablanca": "I'm shocked, shocked, to find there is gambling going on here!"

And thinking of sleazy creative journalism, the most entertaining novel on the subject is Donald Westlake's "Baby, Would I Lie?" Also good on country music.

Prince William led his team to victory at the Santa Barbara Polo & Racquet Club on the weekend, scoring four goals. Among those who paid $400 apiece to watch were several Hollywood stars who previously thought chukkers was the name of a bar. 

This sudden, if brief, focus on polo reminded us of the time a "Vancouver Life" editor asked "What sport do the right people play?" We assured him it was polo. This led to a splendid article more or less related to polo called "How I Survived the Beer Strike." The author was Manville Rathborne III, who still swings a mean mallet. 

Polo was invented as a kind of war-like contest in Persia. In some parts of the world, the sport has not lost that quality. A globetrotting friend reports watching a match in Afghanistan where the usual wooden ball was replaced by an enemy's wrapped and shrunken head. 

As far as we know, this was not the case in Santa Barbara on Saturday, but "News of the World" is no longer around to tell us.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

...and wearing number !01

Andre Vigneault, coach of the Vancouver Canucks, is hoping to sign Prince William for the 2011-12 season. "I watched the Prince handle the stick in Yellowknife," said Coach Vigneault, "and I believe there's a lot of talent there. We're hoping he's a free agent, and that we can put him on a line with Hank and Danny. Will would bring a lotta class to the game."

Meanwhile, the Prince is being courted in Calgary this week by the Flames, and in Winnipeg, owners of the new NHL team said, "Because of his association with aircraft, we think Prince William would be drawn to the Jets."

A Buckingham Palace spokesman, however, said, "If his Royal Highness suits up with any team, it will have to be the Los Angeles Kings."

Stay tuned for comments by Don Cherry.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Happy Birthday, Miss Potter

July 6 marks the 145th anniversary of the birth of Beatrix Potter, born in London, England, in 1866. Her first and most famous story, "The Tale of Peter Rabbit," was published in 1900. Thirteen years later, after creating a grand menagerie of characters, she married, gave up writing, and spent the rest of her life--she lived until 1943--raising Herdwick sheep.

Squirrel Nutkin, Jemima Puddle-Duck and all the rest are gathering for Ms. Potter's birthday party, and Peter Rabbit is baking a carrot cake.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Start the Fireworks!

It is the Glorious Fourth of July, said to have been the birthday of both Louis Armstrong and George M. Cohan.  Play "Struttin' with Some Barbecue" and sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy." And check to see if one of your ancestors has his signature on the US Declaration of Independence, penned this day in 1776.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Comforting News for Bibliophiles

Amidst the doom and gloom surrounding traditional book publishing, it is comforting to read this information from Tom Lutz of the Los Angeles Review of Books online magazine (lareviewofbooks.org): "Twenty times as many titles are [now] published each year than were in 1980."

Friday, July 1, 2011

And in other news...

Research has shown that happy orangutans live an average of seven years longer than unhappy orangutans. We hope never to encounter an unhappy orangutan.

BC Lions, in their opening game of the 2011 CFL season, ended up on the short end of a 30-26 score. Coach Wally Buono might have quoted Vince Lombardi: "We didn't lose, we just ran out of time."

As jazz festivals began across our hip and native land, this past week marked the 165th anniversary of the creation of the saxophone by Adolphe Sax. One could list dozens of great saxophonists, but we leave it to St. John Coltrane: "Let's face it, if we could, we'd all sound like Stan Getz."

Finally, China is celebrating the ninetieth anniversary of the founding of its Communist Party. Government officials are hoping to reawaken interest in the achievements of Chairman Mao. It is rumored that a film of Mao's Little Red Book is in the planning stages. Producers are considering either Mike Myers or Nathan Lane for the lead, although, one sighed, "John Belushi would have been perfect."

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Hey, Will; Hey, Kate!

Will and Kate have arrived in Canada. The newly titled Duchess of Cambridge was met, as she descended from the AirBus, by Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird, and showed her pluck by not immediately getting back on the plane. 

Thousands of fans lined the streets of Ottawa, eager for a close-up view of the couple believed by many to be Will and Grace, "Funny," said Irma Smackenfelt of Upper Register, NS, "Eric McCormack looks much different on TV."

Prime Minister Harper said he felt no nervousness at meeting Will and Kate. "I'm very familiar with the titled class," said Harper. "I'm a huge fan of Lady GaGa, and I watched every episode of 'The Dukes of Hazard'." 

Our reporter almost on the scene, Winthrop Currie-Favour, was unfortunately unable to attend the welcoming ceremonies at Rideau Hall, but tweeted this note: "Observed event from Holiday Inn in appropriate manner with bottle of Crown Royal." 

It is hoped that during the Royal Couple's mini-tour of Canada officials will bring out of retirement the waitress who served Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, at a Saskatchewan dinner many years ago. It was she who uttered the most memorable line at that event: "Keep your fork, Dook--there's pie."

Monday, June 27, 2011

Leftover News

Hey, gotta use it up, or it goes bad. If it hasn't already.

1. Philip Roth, winner of this year's Man Booker international Prize, worth roughly $100,000, minus a grand or two, says he has given up reading fiction. Curious for a writer who has, over the past fifty years, turned out some sixty works of fiction, from "Goodbye, Columbus" in 1959 to "Nemesis" in 2011 (all highly recommended by this department). Apparently Roth has given up reading fiction, but not writing it. That's good, cuz we can't get our Phil. 

2. Swooping near attacks on pedestrians by crows have been reported in this neighborhood. One observer suggests the crows are protecting their nests, but we believe they have been watching an old Hitchcock movie on DVD.

3. John Baird has returned from Libya, where he told rebel leaders he was prepared to snarl and bare his teeth at Qaddafi. "Works in Ottawa," said Baird, "should be good in Tripoli." Meanwhile, back in Canada, watch for your mail tomorrow, delivered by Lisa Raitt.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Blogged out

Words of comfort for a mentally blocked blogger, paraphrased from writings of James Thurber:

"With a deadline staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and a definite hardening of the paragraphs." 

Friday, June 24, 2011

Filibusters

As we write, Canada's NDP Members of Parliament are conducting a filibuster intended to delay passage of a government bill that would order Canada Posties back to work so that Canadians will not be deprived of pizza flyers and overdue notices.

We thought it appropriate to examine the filibuster phenomenon. The term "filibuster" is, of course, named for Phil the Buster, the legendary bomb hurler. 

But seriously, folks, the filibuster can be traced back to Cato the Younger in 60 B.C. In recent times, the record for filibustering was set in 1977 by Texas State Senator Bill Meier who spoke for--get this--forty-three hours.  

The filibuster delivered by James Stewart in "Mr. Smith goes to Washington" is well-known to Turner Classic Movie viewers, but the best filibuster on film, in our far from humble opinion, is Bob Hope's, in the 1941 political satire "Louisiana Purchase." 

Demand this film at your local DVD store. And if it doesn't have it, deliver a filibuster of your own, right there on the mall.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Today in Politics

Liberal staff members of the BC government have been directed to take their holidays by August and then "say goodbye to your families." Observers believe this signals a fall election, but Premier Christy Clark remains coy: "That's for me to know," she said,"and for you to find out."

In a move intended to increase understanding between the government and the serfs..uh, electorate..Premier Clark has appointed onetime television person Pamela Martin as her "Outreach" representative. The appointment was made through the Bloy Payback Program, an initiative named for Cabinet Minister Harry ("I was there for you first, Christy!") Bloy.  

Still with BC politics, the government has declared war on salt. Health Minister Mike de Jong was seen in Ottawa's parliamentary restaurant sweeping salt shakers off tables, appearing to be a cross between Carrie Nation and a temperamental French chef. The BC government, alert to the health hazard of too much salt on your fries, is taking action. Health Minister de Jong has introduced a bill banning the expression "salt of the earth." "Henceforth," he announced, "it will be sodium chloride substitute of the earth." 

Also in Ottawa, John Baird paused while handing out mail carrier bags to MPs to say the Conservative government will bring forward a motion to outlaw opposition parties. "They are," said Baird, "an impediment to our ability to rule. I mean govern."

Monday, June 20, 2011

Summertime and the livin' is sleazy--oops, sorry--easy

Oldest song in the English language:

Svmer is icumen in
Lhude sing cuccu!
Growep sed and blowep med
and springp pbe wde nu.
Sing cuccu!

Or, for those not entirely comfortable with Middle English: 

Summer is a-coming in
Loudly sing cuckoo
Groweth seed and bloweth mead
and springs the wood anew.
Sing cuckoo!

June 21 is the first day of summer. Watch for television weather reporters everywhere singing this song.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Ma Green's Riot Report

"Yis, I saw that fracas last Wednesday night. Disgraceful, I call it. Disgraceful! Of course, as our friends in the media keep tellin' us, those wasn't Vancouver people involved in the window smashin' and car burnin'. No, they was Martians.

"And those wasn't hockey fans, either. Mebbe those hooligans was wearin' $200 Canucks sweaters, but they probly stole 'em off the backs of some real fans.

"Sure, it was a good idea they shut the liquor stores early. But did you see what the street vendors was peddlin'? Riot Cola.

"I'm goin' out now to sweep up some glass and write a sonnet on the boarded-up Bay windows. This is Ma Green, sayin' keep cheery, dearie."

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Father's Day cards for Special Situations

Hallmark Cards is proud to announce a new series of Father's Day greetings for what it terms "special situations." A sampling follows: 

"We'd love to give you a warm hug
If they'd let us see you in the jug. 
Daddy-o, we love you so, Number 217350.
Happy Father's Day! No bars to our affection!"

"We love you, Papa, we're not bitter
Though you ran off with our baby sitter.
Happy Father's Day, wherever you are.
P.S.: All she ever did was read comic books,
entertain her boy friend and steal your Scotch. 
For this you paid six bucks an hour?"

"To you, dear parent, our love is tendered.
You're still our Pop though now transgendered.
Happy--uh--Father's Day. Or whatever." 

Friday, June 17, 2011

Morning After the Morning After

It has been reported that many of those over-exuberant fans attending Wednesday night's riot have been posting photos and comments on YouTube. 

Not all are happy, however: Wendy Wonkerslee says "I broke into a ladies wear store and couldn't find anything I liked in my size. What kind of store is that?"

Similarly, Alvin Knickerton writes "Went to all the trouble to bust my way into Chapters and could not turn up a copy of the new Gandhi biography. How will I ever achieve inner peace?"

Vance Dinwoody, however, is ecstatic: "Nabbed this gorgeous mannequin out of a Bay swimsuit display. We are now engaged!"

Meanwhile, some persons are said to be selling their ill-gotten plunder on-line. Shocking! (Anyone want to buy a slightly used ATM?) 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Bewildered Canucks fans ask...

"Who was that masked man?"

...as Tim Thomas rides into the sunset. 

The Ma Green Political Scene

Some readers may remember Ma Green, the Harold Gray cartoon character who offered trenchant comments on the political scene. We are pleased to report that we have located Ma Green, and henceforth she will present her observations here. Take it away, Ma.

"Sure, and I don't know why yer Mister Harper is so upset about the problems at Air Canada and Canada Post. Why, din't he lock out Parliament a couple times hisself?

"And by the way, should any of my creditors be tuned in, your cheques is in the mail."

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Hey, Chester--remember book stores?

Publishers Weekly reports that bookstore sales rose 1.8% in April. That's the good news. The bad news is that a lot of those sales came from stores closing out.

Vancouver has lost yet another independent bookstore, the kind of store of which the city once had many. At one time Vancouver had more bookstores per capita than any other city in Canada. Now most are gone, joining record shops, embattled DVD outlets, and neighborhood Mom and Pop grocery stores, lost to giant retailers and the digital revolution. Why go out to a store when you can sit at home and order on-line? An agoraphobic's dream.

The digital onslaught is expected to continue in other areas of life. This, for instance, may be one of the last seasons when we see actual live hockey players on the ice. With the increasing sophistication of robotics and artificial intelligence, club owners may soon be able to send out teams of androids to battle each other. Many owners welcome this news, recognizing that while the initial cost may be high, the long-term savings potential is terrific--only a few parts to be replaced and some rewiring necessary.  

And then--first the players, next the fans. It is a sci-fi writer's ominous dream. 

Do what you can to halt the tide. Find a bookstore, doing business somewhere in a walk-in closet. Locate a record shop in an abandoned telephone booth. There is still time. 

Maybe.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Cry of an Anguished Fan

"Say it isn't so, Vigneault!"

Watch for the Mail

Canada Post has announced that in this temporary period of worker unrest, mail in urban centres will be delivered only three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

In further clarification, Veronica Watermark has made it known that Mondays will be reserved for delivery of bills and chain letters; Wednesdays will be given to pizza flyers, realtors' cards and funeral home brochures; Friday you may expect cheques, declarations of love, acceptance letters from publishers, and news of inherited wealth, property and title from a great-uncle you never knew you had.

Tuesdays and Thursdays, mail carriers will be replacing Air Canada baggage handlers.