Report from the Twilight Zone

"Breaking Dawn," the penultimate film in the "Twilight" series, which chronicles the love life of a vampire, has just opened in theatres across North America and Transylvania. Appropriately, the initial screaming--uh, screening--was at midnight. For a report, we go to our resident cinematiste, Byron "Thumbs Up" Applethorpe. Over to you, By:

"Well, P.D., it was an experience. I attended the screening with my new lady friend, Vladima. Frankly, I was a bit confused. I thought the movie was 'Braking Don,' a biopic on the great Kettle Valley brakeman Don 'Switcher' Bloomer. I was wrong.

"When we were seated, I asked Vladima if she'd like anything from the confection counter. 'Yes,' she said, 'a big orange: blood orange.' 

"The film rolled on, and I confess, gripping as it was, my mind wasn't on the movie. That Vladima brings a new meaning to the word necking.

"After the show, I suggested we go for a bite. She said,'I'm always ready for a bite. But I must be home before sunrise.'

"We went to Sloppy Ed's for snacks, and everything was going fine until my roasted elephant garlic appy arrived. Vladima took one whiff and split.

"So, I ate both our orders and went home. My roommate said, 'Hey, By--what's that on your neck?'

"I said, 'Is it a hickey?'

"He said, 'No, it looks more like two small puncture marks.'

"That's it for now, P.D. I have to run--I have a sudden irresistible craving for blood sausage. "