Blow by Blow with Angie and Joe

It turns out the great match this Grey Cup weekend is not between the Lions and Bluebombers, but between Joe Kapp and Angelo Mosca. Fists, flowers and canes flew at the Grey Cup alumni lunch. 

It was the first encounter between Angie and Joe since the mid-1960s, when Kapp was the Lions' fleet quarterback and Mosca was a juggernaut lineman for the Ti-Cats. Apparently the warm feeling between the two has endured for almost half a century.

The dust-up between the two 73-year-olds has given reality TV producers a host of new ideas. Vance Loudermilk, President of Banal Productions, says, "We already have it on our radar. We're thinking of scheduling a show called 'Septuagenarian Sluggers.' I can see it now--two grizzled geezers battling it out over their walkers!"

Loudermilk is not alone. Also expressing interest is Royce Vinderlost, whose hit shows include "Mud Wrestling with the Stars" and "Celebrity Memory Loss." 

Meanwhile, an Ottawa-based production company is considering a show in which old political rivals would duke it out. Burt Popoff of Lowcost TV says, "Imagine getting John Turner in the ring with Brian Mulroney! Or Paul Martin with Jean Chretien!"

A source close to the current Prime Minister says there are no plans for Mr. Harper to pull on the gloves with Michael (Ali) Ignatieff. However, there is talk of a musical venture: "Sing Along with Steve."

Shock and Delight Your Friends!

Available now--the Complete List of Banned Words!

Yes, viewers, for the first time you are able to own the complete list of words and phrases branded obscene or objectionable by the government of Pakistan! Contains many words known only to Pakistani censors!

Be the first in your peer group to employ these rude vulgarisms! Impress, surprise, shock and delight your friends! Watch their ears fall off in admiration!

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The Complete list of Banned Words--not sold in stores. Only $19.95, plus a four-figure tax payable to the government of Pakistan.

Call right now for your Complete List of Banned Words! Operators are waiting!

(Not recommended for use on social media. Remember: Watch how you text/Or your head may be next.)

Sad Thanksgiving

The saddest symbol of the American Thanksgiving this year is the painting on the cover of the November 21 edition of The New Yorker. 

This is not the typical Norman Rockwell painting of a happy multi-generational family gathered around the festive board; instead, it is a tableau as bleak and lonely as any by Edward Hopper.

The scene is a slightly below average cafe, with a table set for a solitary diner: chunky water glass, one limp flower in a glass bottle between salt and pepper shakers, a square of butter on two slices of processed white bread, and a plate holding one drumstick, a pool of gluey gravy in a mound of instant mashed potatoes, and the obligatory sides of carrots and peas. The lone diner is not seen.

The painting is by Wayne Thiebaud. Its title, appropriately, is "Turkey Dinner."

    

Homage to St. Cecilia

Belated homage. November 22 is the feast day of St. Cecilia, and it seemed to us that insufficient attention was paid. We're sure that Rupert Lang, Patrick Wedd and other organists will have had this second century singer-saint in mind, for it was she who invented the organ.

Cecilia is the patron saint of music--it is said an angel fell in love with her musicianly talent. She is also the patron saint of the blind, for she herself was blind. Her husband was Valerian, who honored Cecilia's vow of chastity. Both were given the crown of martyrdom, brought from Paradise by the angel.

In London, on St. Cecilia's Day, the Worshipful Company of Musicians processes to St. Paul's Cathedral for divine services. Would that we could see such processions everywhere, for, as Dryden versified:

"At length divine Cecilia came 

 Inventress of the vocal frame." 

Another great $#%&* idea from Pakistan

Gregor Robertson, re-elected Mayor of Vancouver, told followers, "I am very $#*+& happy."

Meanwhile, Guardians of the Nation's Morals in Pakistan have released a list of 1600 words deemed "obscene" or "offensive," which must be excised from text messages and other social media. Some of the words appear to be known only to the censors, and there is a strong belief that they made them up. This seems to call for an investigation by the Official Pakistani Regulators of Thought Processes.  

Asked for his opinion on the Pakistani ruling, Mayor Robertson said, "I think it's a very sound $#@%&* idea. I wish we could have used it on those #$@&*+ NPA commercials."

Report from the Twilight Zone

"Breaking Dawn," the penultimate film in the "Twilight" series, which chronicles the love life of a vampire, has just opened in theatres across North America and Transylvania. Appropriately, the initial screaming--uh, screening--was at midnight. For a report, we go to our resident cinematiste, Byron "Thumbs Up" Applethorpe. Over to you, By:

"Well, P.D., it was an experience. I attended the screening with my new lady friend, Vladima. Frankly, I was a bit confused. I thought the movie was 'Braking Don,' a biopic on the great Kettle Valley brakeman Don 'Switcher' Bloomer. I was wrong.

"When we were seated, I asked Vladima if she'd like anything from the confection counter. 'Yes,' she said, 'a big orange: blood orange.' 

"The film rolled on, and I confess, gripping as it was, my mind wasn't on the movie. That Vladima brings a new meaning to the word necking.

"After the show, I suggested we go for a bite. She said,'I'm always ready for a bite. But I must be home before sunrise.'

"We went to Sloppy Ed's for snacks, and everything was going fine until my roasted elephant garlic appy arrived. Vladima took one whiff and split.

"So, I ate both our orders and went home. My roommate said, 'Hey, By--what's that on your neck?'

"I said, 'Is it a hickey?'

"He said, 'No, it looks more like two small puncture marks.'

"That's it for now, P.D. I have to run--I have a sudden irresistible craving for blood sausage. "   

Watch out! Here come the Octogenarians!

Recent statistics reveal that the fastest growing age group in Canada is post-85. You may wonder what this means for our home and native turf. Here are a few indications of the future:  

* Radio stations devoted entirely to the music of Lawrence Welk, Russ Morgan, and Shep Fields' Ripplin' Rhythm 

* All-night raves devoted to crazed whist parties

* A rush on bolo ties and supp-hose

* Interprovincial whittling competitions

* A National Horseshoe League

* The replacement of Justin Bieber and Sidney Crosby as fan favorites by the two geezers in the TD Bank commercials

Be ready--it's coming! The onslaught of the Octogenarians!

 

Fall Football

And so the long-reigning (well, two seasons) Alouettes are headed earlier than expected to the golf course, while in Alberta, it was good to see former St. Thomas More teammates Jon Cornish and Calvin McCarty perform well on opposing teams. 

Good to have Hamilton Tiger-Cats back in the playoffs, but can they hold off Buck Pierce ("toughest man in the CFL") and the mighty Bluebomber defence? 

As for the Western final, BC Lions vs. Edmonton Eskimos--well, we don't want to jinx it, so we'll remain silent.

Today, according to the Writer's Almanac, is the birthdate of both St. Augustine and Robert Louis Stevenson. Recommended reading tonight: the "Confessions" and "Treasure Island." (We were going to suggest "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde," but that might interfere with your sleep.)

Notes from Slap Maxwell, sports, and Ashley Cartwright, arts. 

Justin and Sid

We thought we had run into Sidney Crosby in a shopping mall the other day, but it turned out to be merely a life-size cardboard replica of Sid the Kid. Not long after that, we found ourselves face to face--well, not quite face to face, due to height differences--with Justin Bieber. Another stand-up cardboard cutout.

We were reminded of an incident involving Al Pollard, one-time BC Lions running back and CKLG sportscaster. Al had taken on a job as manager of Oscar's Steak House on Georgia Street in Vancouver. In the lobby was a life-size image of Al in his Lions uniform. One evening, a couple of patrons who may have over-spent their time at the bar kidnapped the cardboard statue and began lugging it across the street to the Ritz Hotel. Enraged, Al took off across Georgia, dodging traffic the way he had dodged tackles, and brought down the miscreants on the steps of the Ritz. Satisfied, he tucked his cardboard self under one arm and walked back through the traffic to Oscar's--where, we hope, the crowd cheered and bought him a drink.

Note to fans: the cardboard cut-outs of Justin and Sid do not sign autographs. 

See How They Run

There seems to be some strange compulsion this fall driving people to run for public office. In Vancouver, some thirty people, a busload, have tossed their hats (or wigs or nose rings) into the municipal election. Nine persons have claimed they are the rightful heirs to the NDP national leadership. And in the United States, at least eight characters--the usual suspects--are fighting knife and mud-ball for the Republican presidential nomination. Now it has been reported that a parrot named Wilmer has launched his campaign to take over the US Oval Office, with strong Tea Party support.  

And this just in: a surprise candidate for mayor of Pitt Meadows is a Mr. G. Papandreou. Ouzo for all!

Football News and Famous Birthdays

The Montreal Alouettes are waking up this morning saying, "It was just a bad dream, wasn't it? We didn't really lose 43-1 to the Lions, did we? Tell me it was just the poutine working."

In further football news, it was good to see two young Canadians--Jon Cornish of the Stampeders (formerly of St. Thomas More, Burnaby) and Andrew Harris (three touchdowns!) of the Lions--have such a good day.

And now, on to birthdays, and a salute to famous Scorpios who entered the world on this date, if not in the same year. In no particular order, they include John Philip Sousa, Adolphe Sax, Charles Dow, James Jones, Harold Ross, Sally Field, James Naismith, Jim ("Fibber McGee") Jordan, Thandie Newton, Suleiman the Magnificent, and Johanna the Insane. And closer to home, as newscasters like to say, award-winning children's book author Deborah Hodge. A happy day to all, wherever they may be.

Happy 75th to the People's Radio Network

The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation is celebrating its seventy-fifth anniversary, and it is time to remember some of the programs and performers who have popped out of our radio speakers over the decades.

Knock knock!

"Who's there?"

"It's the Happy Gang."

"Well--come ooonn in!"

"Keep happy with the Happy Gang,

Keep happy, start each day with a bang!

A happy Thursday to you 

From the boys and Miss Stokes--

We hope you like our music

And our songs and our jokes,

Yuk yuk yuk yuk."

And we remember with fondness the stories of "Just Mary;" Andrew Allan's Stage series (radio drama, whether from Toronto or Winnipeg, was wonderful, and Len Peterson of Regina wrote great radio plays); "Harmony House" and "The Burns Chuckwagon" from Vancouver, produced by Bill Bellman; Bob Smith's "Hot Air;" and Lorne Green's ne plus ultra eight o'clock newscasts. 

Some say it was the railway that united Canada, and they may be right. But in another way, what drew this country together, in a shared consciousness, was the CBC.

The Hairy Lip Club

We have entered the month of Movember. That is not a typo. "Movember" is what this month has been renamed, to launch a national moustache-growing event. The intention is to raise awareness and funds for male health issues, primarily prostate cancer.

Men across the country have donated their upper lips for the cause. The most popular moustache styles are, in ascending bristly order: the Harold Macmillan, the Yosemite Sam, and the Salvador Dali. The Errol Flynn and Teddy Roosevelt did not make the cut.   

In other news, the BC Lions meet the Montreal Alouettes Saturday in what promises to be one of the most exciting games of the CFL season. If the Lions club once again blacks out TCN coverage, fans plan to show their appreciation by pouring hot fudge through the roof of BC Place.

And in Greece, Georges Papandreo, the big sagonaki, announced a referendum on the nation's financial issues. Voters will be asked if they approve a plan to cut wages, lay off workers, reduce benefits, and raise taxes. Watch for Mr. Papandreo soon to be running a curbside souvlaki stand.  

And now, prepare to celebrate Movember--grow a moustache! (Not you, madam.)