Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Welcoming Will and Kate

Informed that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will tour British Columbia and Yukon this fall, tourism officials have been hard at work finding suitable accommodations and entertainments.

Philomena Millhauser, a spokesperson for Tourism BC, discussed some of the possibilities:

"The first stop will be a working ranch in the Cariboo region. We're hoping Prince William will take part in the branding and calf neutering, and then our resident chef, Chuckwagon Chet, will show the Duchess how to prepare calf fries. Of course, they'll sleep in the bunkhouse, and join in the nightly round of singing old Hank Snow songs.

"Next, we think the Royal couple will be fascinated by one of our back to the earth adventures. We'll set them down on one of the less populated Gulf Islands with an axe, a pail, and a sleeping bag, and let them forage for food. Won't that be fun?

"And then, for a chance to be up close with the people of the province, and experience the vibrant sense of community among us, we'll equip them with pickets and have them join a line of protesters, either Site C or Kindall Morgan--we're still working out the details.

"Also in the plans: tree-topping with real lumberjacks!"

Welcome, Will and Kate!

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Yet More US Politics--sigh.

A small touch of irony: The Clintons were guests at the Trumps' wedding. Which, as David Brooks observed, "says a lot about all four of them."

Bill: "What'd we give them, anyway?"

Hillary: "Some old vase we brought back from the White House. Do you think we can get it back?"

Bill: "Doubt it. They probably sold it on E-Bay."

In other news, McDonald's has denied a rumor that the restaurant chain is planning to include tiny Donald Trump statues in their Kiddies Fun-Pak.

And finally, in response to demands for the medical records of both US Presidential candidates, it has been announced that the parties will release full reports. Hillary Clinton is using Simone Biles's records. And Donald Trump? Ryan Lochte.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Trump: The Bare Facts

It has been reported that life-size statues of a naked Donald Trump have been erected in several U.S. cities. While some have been shocked, others have been delighted. It is said that a swooning Sarah Palin has ordered one for her deck.

Other Trump supporters have said that this is the 21st century equivalent of Michelangelo's "David," as a depiction of virile masculine beauty. Trump himself has said, "Actually, I am much better looking. Much better. A lot better." There is some concern that he may move to demonstrate this in a future television appearance, when he is scheduled to address his Rump Cabinet.

And the new campaign song: "Take Your Clothes Off!"

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Topless Leadership

There has been some commotion recently over published photographs of a shirtless Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

News media have pointed out that this is not a new phenomenon among world leaders. Pictures have been printed showing the unadorned and manly torsos of Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, Ronald Reagan, and Trudeau Pere.

So far Angela Merkel has not felt the need for such a pose. But there is a rumour that somewhere there is a photograph of Margaret Thatcher jogging while wearing only a flowered hat and a string of pearls.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Chill the Glasses

In her excellent little book with the no-nonsense title "Gin," Geraldine Coates writes: "Franklin D. Roosevelt had run for president on a platform that included ending Prohibition--and on the night he was elected, it is rumoured, mixed the first legal Martini in the White House for thirteen years." (He used Plymouth Gin, making happy hours happier since 1793.)

It was good to see this moment reprised when Bill Murray, as FDR in "Hyde Park on the Hudson," mixed Martinis for George VI.

The question now is: what drink will be poured when Number 45 takes up residence in the White House? We fear it might be either a kale smoothie or Red Bull.

But we're sure that when a relieved Barack Obama finally escapes, he will be lighting a cigar, tuning in an NBA game, and mixing a tall shaker of Manhattans.