What You Don't Hear from the Santa Claus Parade

Vern Clogsdale, distressed husband: "I can't believe it--my wife ran off with a reindeer!"

Sgt. Brock Largefeet, VPD: "We apprehended a gang of pickpockets dressed as elves."

Al Klatzmir, patron of the arts: "My favorite float was the Penthouse Pole Dancers, wearing toques and tinsel, and sliding down a giant candy cane."

Sgt. Brock Largefeet: "We found several persons seriously impaired from smoking fermented cedar needles."

S. Claus: "I'm calling my agent. Next year I want a better gig. Maybe 'CSI: North Pole'."

Sgt. Brock Largefeet: "We are taking S. Claus in for questioning."