Raising the Roof

This department has received a copy of a letter sent to Raising the Roof Ltd. by a gentleman who does not want his name made public for fear of reprisals, but does wish to make his predicament known. Without further editorial comment, here is his letter: 

Dear Sirs:

I was pleased when our strata council selected your firm to repair the roof of our apartment complex. I thought we couldn't do better than a company whose slogan is "When It Comes to Roofing, We Top Them All."

And I must say your team did a fine job, although I often wished they had not set up their base directly above us and tuned their radio to "The Hawaiian Heavy Metal Hour" at 7:00 a.m.

But, they did their job and did it well. Then I was most impressed when your customer relations people sent a letter inviting us to alert them to any deficiencies in the workmanship.

Well, sir, I have no complaints regarding the workmanship, none at all. But I do have one small concern. It's Ralph. You may know who I mean--stocky fella, big moustache, not much on personal daintiness. Ralph was working just above our deck, when one day he heard me shaking a pitcher of Martinis. He called, "I'll be right down." 

Of course, I thought he was kidding, but a minute later, he swung through the patio door, and said, "Hope there's not too much vermouth in there." I guess the Martinis must have been okay, because Ralph drank the whole shaker. Then he hit the refrigerator. "Got any brie?" he said. "How about prosciutto? And you really should get better olives." 

Now, I'm as hospitable as the next person, so I tried to make Ralph feel welcome, even playing him my Willie Nelson gold album, while checking my watch from time to time. But came eleven o;clock, Ralph gave a big yawn and said, "Tough day. Think I'll get me some Zs. Got some blankets in the closet?" And he stretched out on the sofa and started to snore. Sounded like an enraged bull elephant.

In the morning, Ralph said, "Not much for me. Just a latte and a chocolate croissant, and maybe a papaya. Although come to think of it, I could go an Eggs Benny. Morning paper here yet?"

Well, sir, that was three weeks ago, and Ralph is still here. He has emptied the liquor cabinet twice, doubled our food bill, and now he has started wearing my clothes. "Lucky we're the same size, ain't it? Although I am a much more virile guy, if you know what I mean," he says, winking at my wife, Velma. I kind of don't like the way he looks at Velma.

So I wonder--is there any chance you could come around and collect Ralph? I have to say that while I appreciate the work you've done on the roof, I would rather have a drip in the ceiling than a jerk in the room. 

Yours truly.

F______ P______ -- floored by the roofer.