Spooky Movie Night

Get a big bowl of bourbon caramels, turn off the lights, and watch these:

"The Body Snatcher," with Boris Karloff, the original Frankenstein's monster, and Bela Lugosi, the original Dracula. Based on a Robert Louis Stevenson story, itself based on the murderous Burke and Hare, who in 19th century Edinburgh found profit in supplying anatomist Robert Knox with bodies for dissection.

"Invasion of the Body Snatchers." No relation to Burke and Hare, these creatures are vegetables that take over human forms. Jack Finney came up with this idea, long before plant-based burgers.

"Rosemary's Baby." The message of this tale is that if someone who looks like John Cassavetes asks to swap neckties with you, don't do it.

"The Uninvited." In which Ray Milland successfully evicts a ghost from a haunted house.

"The Seventh Victim." This Tom Conway film from the 1940s is so scary, it sent one viewer fleeing the theatre. But he went back the next day to see how it ended.

"Wait Until Dark." If you know Alan Arkin only as the benign octogenarian of "The Kominsky Method," wait until you see him stalking Audrey Hepburn.

"Young Frankenstein." Comic relief time. Mix yourself a Corpse Reviver and watch the monster do "Puttin' On the Ritz."

MOP

MOP should not be confused with the old swing tune "Mop Mop." To CFL fans, MOP stands for Most Outstanding Player, and at this time of year, said fans wonder who will take the award. For different reasons, which not everyone accepts, two obvious candidates--Andrew Harris and Bo Levi Mitchell--may be out of the running. There has been much talk about defensive players being named MOP, especially among defensive players. Over to you, Willie Jefferson and Charleston Hughes.

Other names leap to mind: Vernon Adams, Jr., Cody Fajardo, Brian Burnham, Dane Evans, Brandon Banks, et al. (And wasn't it great to see Zach Collaros back in action?)

But what we really came to talk about, what this corner wishes to propose, are three new MOP awards. They would be given for:

Most Outrageous Tattoos

Most Outrageous Hairstyle

Most Outrageous Trash Talk

Nominations accepted now.

--Slap Maxwell.

Hallowe'en Special

Andrew Scheer masks--now all half-price!

Oops!

That's what happens when you write a piece before the final count is in. Ms. Wilson-Raybould lands in the winners column, not the losers, having captured the affection and support of her Vancouver Granville constituents. There were other unfortunate losers--Lisa Raitt, Ralph Goodale, et al.--but time to move on. Nothing more to see here.

Here's to the Losers

Here's to those who left the polls feeling full of cheer,
And now are sadly sobbing in their pints of beer.
To those who ran not thinking they could ever fall--
Here's to the losers, bless them all.

Here's to Dimples Scheer and Maxime Bernier.
Gotta tell you, fellas, it wasn't gonna be your day.
Now you're waiting nervously to get the party's call--
Here's to the losers, bless them all.

And Lisa Raitt and Jane Philpott,
A noble battle that you went and fought.
But politics ain't Champagne, it's often bitter gall.
Here's to the losers, bless them all.

Now here's the final toast before we hit the bars:
Some people must be losers so others can be stars.
But another election's coming, maybe next summer or next fall.
So hang in there--bless you all!

McTurk is Ready

A CNN reporter was able to get a moment with Steve McTurk, and said, "Mr. McTurk, you've scored a great victory in swinging people away from turkeys on the Canadian Thanksgiving, but you realize the American Thanksgiving is still to come."

"We're ready for that," said McTurk. "We've engaged Alan Dershowitz. He is prepared to declare the consumption of innocent birds unconstitutional, and will take that all the way to the Supreme Court."

"The Supreme Court, Mr. McTurk?"

"Right. We'll go for an injunction first, and then he'll present our case while the Justices are sitting, and to seal the deal, he'll send in a platter of Plant Burgers."

McTurk at Work

As Thanksgiving approaches, with families looking forward to the traditional feast, Steve McTurk, legendary hero of guerrilla warfare to defend turkeys, is leading a mass protest. McTurk and several thousand turkeys are gathered on Parliament Hill, demanding that, in his words, "the barbaric consumption of turkeys comes to an end." Said McTurk: "Let them eat tofu."

Similar protests are taking place in major cities across the country. In Toronto, marchers carried banners reading "Stop being jerks--lay off the turks." In Vancouver, signs said "Leave us alone, and get stuffed yourself."

McTurk said the protest on behalf of turkeys should in no way be confused with support for Turkish leader Recep Tayyip Erdogan. "He is not one of us," said McTurk. "If he had feathers he'd be a vulture."

When one reporter commented that it was unusual to see a poultry protest, saying, "We've never seen your barnyard neighbors engage in this aggressive manner," Steve McTurk had a quick answer: "Yeah," he said. "Now you know why they call them chickens."