Thursday, November 5, 2009

Rickety-rickety-ree!

As the CFL season rolls toward its Grey Cup conclusion in Calgary, this aging onetime sports reporter feels called upon to relate a football story.  A good year, in many ways--with the brilliant Anthony Calvillo out-performing even himself, the renaissance of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats under Marcel Bellefeuille, the return to the BC Lions line-up of Casey Printers, and the boom in watermelon sales through Saskatchewan Roughriders fans' use of them as helmets.

But I am thinking of older stories--the Grey Cup played in fog at Vancouver's Empire Stadium;
the bone-crunching crack as Saskatchewan's Bobby Marlowe hit Lions back Al Pollard, a sound heard clearly in the upper bleachers; the tales told by the legendary Annis Stukus; the astonishing play of Jackie Parker (dubbed "spaghetti legs"), and his billiard parlor partner Eagle Keys playing with a broken foot; Eskimo QB Tom Wilkinson reading his Bible in a hot tub; sportscaster Bob Pickell referring to Lions head coach Clem Crowe as "Head Crowe Clem Coach;" and the cheer improvised by running back Jack Hutchinson (Lions, Roughriders): "Rickety rickety ree, kick him in the knee; Rickety rickety rass, kick him in the other knee." 

The story for today is of the broadcast of a game by Bill Good, Senior, the sportscaster with the Vaughan Monroe pipes, and the impeccable CFL statistician Moe Simovitch.  

On game day, Moe turned up at Bill's hotel room complaining of a splitting headache.  "Bill," he said, "do you have any pills?"

Bill did have pills, but not necessarily what Moe had in mind.  He had a vial of diuretic pills, prescribed to reduce blood pressure and which, among other things, but primarily, and I quote from The American Pocket Medical Dictionary, "increases the flow of water from the kidneys."

"Why yes, Moe," said Bill.  "I do have some pills.  Have one."

"Thanks, Bill,  It's really bad."

"In that case, you should take two."

The broadcast began, and at some break in the play-by-play action, Bill turned to Moe and said, "Looks as though Reed is going to set a new rushing record today.  What are the stats on that, Moe?"

"Well, Bill--uh--excuse me."  Moe fled from the press box.

This happened with regularity throughout the game.  Every time Moe was called on for information, he would feel an uncontrollable need to rush away.  

In fact, on that afternoon, Moe set some rushing records himself.

Rickety-rickety-ree!

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