Dear Ms. Andreescu:
First of all, congratulations on your historic victory at the U.S. Open! I was with you all the way, wearing my Canadian maple leaf shorts while eating pomona porcului and listening to Zamfir.
I know this win is going to be difficult to deal with emotionally, and especially wondering how to handle that $3.85 million prize money. And so, allow me to offer my services as a seasoned financial counsellor.
The right investments can grow that prize money substantially, and I believe I have a great opportunity for you in my invention of the combination flask and portable popcorn popper, a revolutionary device sure to appeal to sports fans.
Looking forward to hearing from you by return mail.
Yours for even greater triumphs on the court and in the market--Slap Maxwell.
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