The Feared Month of February

Feared by radio announcers, that is. When confronted by "February" in a script, announcers look as helpless as Peyton Manning watching the ball sailing over his shoulder. When they are forced to speak it, "February" comes out as "Fooburry," "Feboobery," "Febrewery," or some other mangled version of the month's name.

"Who gave us this wretched name for the month?" they cry. And the answer is: Ancient Romans. This was the month for our toga-clad ancestors to observe a period of purification. They called it "Februo," which translates as "I purify by sacrifice."

Other people in other places at other times have called it something else. To the Anglo-Saxons it was "Sprout-kale," as this was when kale and cabbage began to appear. And in wet weather, the month was known as "Fill-dyke." "We like those names," announcers say. "We can pronounce sprout-kale and fill-dyke."

But February endures, and cello-voiced announcers for whom "Puspokladany" and "Xenocrates" roll smoothly off the tongue even after a three-martini lunch, are done in by the four syllables beginning with F.

But hold on! Only twenty-five more days until March!