The Dreaded Christmas Letter

I'm terribly sorry, I haven't had time to prepare anything today.  I've been working on my annual Christmas letter, my one-communication-fits-all.  As usual, I will type it single-spaced on a manual with a faded ribbon and then run off copies on a 1928 ink-smearing Gestetner, to make it as illegible as possible.  Hey, it's traditional.

I'm sure you, too, love receiving letters like these at Christmas.  However, I often find  myself sympathizing with their writers.  Especially those who have committed themselves to composing their Yuletide letters in rhyme.

As you know, these letters are commonly a wrap-up of the year's events--who graduated, who had liposuction, who came out of the closet--that sort of thing.

Well, I think, it must be very difficult for people when they have news to relate that is less than cheery.  Allow me to quote from a letter I received last December: 

"Did you hear of the investigation?

  Frank had to leave the force.

  When we were near starvation

  We barbecued his horse.

  Then we tried a separation,

   But settled on divorce.

   We hope your celebration 

   Is untarnished by remorse."

Good luck with your Christmas letters.