Dinner with Zubin Mehta

Zubin Mehta, the deservedly famous orchestra conductor and buddy of the Three Tenors, was born into a Persian family in Mumbai when it was still Bombay.  Not as well known as his musical talent is his fondness for intensely spicy food.  When visiting restaurants, Mehta is known to carry a case filled with exotic spices so that he can jazz up whatever dishes he orders, even if they already are listed as lethally hot.  Which brings us to our story.

A gentleman whom, on the advice of my lawyer, I will call "Frank" recently decided to try his hand at making chili con carne, even though his culinary expertise to that point had been limited to opening tins of Chef Boyardee.  Frank consulted a few recipes, but then decided to improvise. After soaking a mixture of beans in tequila, searing nuggets of steak, sweating a pan of onions and garlic, and dicing a basket of plump tomatoes, he began adding spices, thinking to himself "What would Bobby Flay do?"  Into the pot went several shakes of Tex-Mex, a healthy hit of cayenne, Worcestershire sauce, grated horseradish, a couple of tablespoons of dry mustard, paprika (very big in Hungarian chili), and finally--why not?--a handful of chili flakes. Maybe two, they're small.

Frank's wife and official taster tested the sauce and ran from the kitchen screaming.  When she returned, and could speak around a mouthful of ice cubes, she said "Frank, that sauce is so hot it would knock out Zubin Mehta!"  Frank took this as a compliment.     

That night, Frank dreamed that Zubin Mehta, now the conductor of the Szechuan Symphony, came to dinner, carrying his case of spices.  "Maestro," Frank suggested, "before adding anything, perhaps you will sample the sauce and, as a connoisseur of high octane grits,  give me your highly valued opinion." 

The conductor took a spoonful of the sauce.  Then another.  And another.  And as smoke came out of his ears, he said to Frank, "This brings to mind one of Cole Porter's most beloved songs."

"Easy to Love?" said Frank.  "You're the Top?"

"Too Darn Hot," said Mehta.

For Frank's recipe for Call-911 Chili Sauce, send self-addressed envelope and name of physician.